Getting it out of my head.

I am making a conscious decision to be happy.  I am not going to yearn for the tings I don't have, and I'm not going to feel bad just because it's easy.  I'm going to move forward and allow myself to experience something amazing.  In order to do that, I have to clear the negative out of my head.

I've always been a music person.  I'm not one of those music people who know obscure facts about little known indie bands or anything, but I know what I like, and when I hear something I can relate to, it sticks with me.  I'm not a poet, or even a very deep thinker, but lyrics to songs tell my story.  For a while now, these are the lyrics that have been bouncing around in my head.  I figure, if I put them somewhere else, I can make room in my head for newer more positive thoughts/emotions/lyrics.  With that in mind, here they are, and I'm not hearing them any more after this:

"You took your time with the call, I took no time with the fall, you gave me nothing at all, but still you’re in my way.

You can’t expect me to be fine, I don’t expect you to care….I know I’ve said it before but all of our bridges burned down.

You gotta lotta luggage in your name…

I gave it everything I had, and everything I got was bad. 

Behind every woman scorned, is a man who made her that way.

When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell.  Truth be told, I miss you…..truth be told I’m LYIN’.

I guess the change in my pocket wasn’t enough….I’m like f*ck you and f*ck her too.

My reflection, dirty mirror, there’s no connection to myself.

Afraid of change, afraid of stayin’ the same….

It won’t take much for me to show ‘em my life ain’t over yet.  I wake up scared, I wake up strange, I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change..

I’ll never be lonely, if I could get this right.

You said there would be a right time, don’t let it pass me by…

I’m just lookin for the way to get to satisfied, I said it’s just a little down the road from sadness.  Nothin’s wrong, but nothin’s right.

She screams in silence…waiting for a sign to smash the silence with a brick of self control.  She’s figured out, all her doubts were someone else’s point of view.

You sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.

It’s so loud inside my head, with words that I should have said.  As I drown in my regret, I can’t take back the words I never said….

It’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again, and I can’t take it, I can’t shake it.

Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone.

I been goin back and forth
One day south the next day north
This road that I’ve been traveling is littered with confusion, doubt and sin

You are sultry, dirty, soft and hard

You are close to me and you’re so far

And I’m thinking of the time we spent together

Now I’ll bury this in my backyard

Sometimes I sit and wonder

But I’ll never dial your number

I just wanna be with you
I just wanna hold you one more time or maybe two
I just wanna be with you ‘cause I’m a fool

I've never walked away from the things I've wanted
I've never walked away, but I think I'm going to
This time

You are getting heavy to hold…think I’ll be letting you go

You Gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight, cause tears are going nowhere baby.

You’ve got to get yourself together, you’ve got yourself stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it.

Start livin’ your life, on the double,  leave your troubles behind…you and me we’re going to be all right.

He’s everything you want, he’s everything you need, but he means nothing to you and you don’t know why.

Tomorrow’s just an excuse away.

You blame yourself for what you can’t ignore.  You blame yourself for wanting more.

I know I’ll make it, love can last forever…

Keep on dreamin even if it breaks your heart."

This Is The Year!!

So as it turns out, Bob was COMPLETELY correct.  I should have listened.  I didn’t, and I got hurt.  The past 6 weeks or so have been more emotionally hellish that anything I have experienced in a very long time.  On the one hand, it’s good to know I can still feel.  On the other hand, sometimes feeling sucks.  Its random bad luck that the first time I’ve risked opening myself up in such a long time ended up so shitty, but what’s done is done.  My focus the past few weeks has been to make just one good decision at a time.  I can’t worry about 10 years from now, or a year from now, or next month, next week, tomorrow, or even the next hour.  I’m living moment to moment, really listening to my mind, and forcing one good decision at a time to be the result. 

You would think that since I am in my mid-thirties, I would be better equipped to make good decisions, but it is still something I struggle with daily.  I have strong life forces fighting me.  I have an overdeveloped sense of independence.  I have a crazy need for instant gratification.  I’m lazy as fuck.  Trying to convince a person with those characteristics to do things like wait to order that book until you can make it a treat, or waiting patiently and trusting that God will deliver to you what you are impatient for, or even doing the dishes the same night you dirty them can be impossible.  News about a job, a special person in your life, self-esteem…all of those things should be put to God and prayed about.  I am really struggling with that at this juncture though. 

The funny thing is I’ve been doing more things to help myself that I have in YEARS, and I am less confident now than I was two years ago.  Well, that’s not really true, I was probably just as afraid then as I am now, but because I never went out on a limb, no one noticed.  All I know is, I am four days into my 34^th year, and I’m not going to let it pass me by.  I am going to actively participate in this year of my life.  I’ve said on Facebook that THIS IS THE YEAR!!  I’m not sure what that means yet.  I’m looking at it as though something monumental will happen.  But it will only happen if I am present in my life.

One decision at a time, focused on the positive outcome I am waiting for….this will DEFINITELY be the year.

I Call It Bob.

The little voice inside your head.  I call mine Bob.  I don't really know why, especially because it's a girl voice, but whatever, I can call it whatever I want.  You may be surprised to know that Bob is very loud.  When I was younger, Bob had to practically scream to be heard.  I was very willful and stubborn back then.  I made a lot of rash decisions in the heat of the moment and for reasons that had nothing at all to do with what was BEST.  Instead, they most often were based on what I most wanted.  A laptop computer when I was 20, even though I lived at home, and only went to school part time?  Absolutely.  And that bad boy better cost like three grand.  New car?  Yep.  Gotta have it.  No, not that one, I want the purple one with the stick shift and the sunroof.  So what if I don't know how to drive a stick?  Trips, clothes, you name it.  Bob would also try very hard to get my attention when I was about to do something emotionally foolish as well.  And more often than not, I ignored that bastard and did what I wanted to do, with mixed results. 

As I get older, Bob doesn't have to yell quite so loud.  I'm less impulsive.  Don't get me wrong, when I want something, I still can be pretty stubborn.  That said, I'm much more selective about what is worth standing my ground for.  Plus, I listen to Bob now.  When Bob says...you know, you really shouldn't buy those shoes, you don[t have anything to wear them with and you could save that money... listen.  Most of the time.  When I am about to say something to my mom that might be in the heat of an argument, I may not say it.  If I do, I can usually apologize much more quickly.  So...when Bob started screaming at me a bit ago, why didn't I listen?

Say for example, someone places an apple and a piece of cake before you, and you are hungry, Bob will probably tell you to eat the apple.  Either way, you are hungry, and food satisfies you.  But - say you are hungry, and the only thing in front of you is this perfect pastry.  It's perfect.  Your favorite flavor, beautiful to look at, but it's behind a pane of glass, and tied to a brick.  There is no other option.  You can try to get at it.  But there's Bob, telling you that it's more trouble than it's worth, you probably won't be able to get at it anyway.  "Even if you do get at it," says Bob, "it's REALLY bad for you.  You can't see this, but the filling will make you sick.  I'm telling you..STAY AWAY from the pastry."  But you are hungry...you haven't eaten in a while, and you like pastries, and it looks heavenly.  There's Bob.."I'm telling you.  You really do NOT want to eat that.  It's going to go right to your hips, and you will have to work to get rid of it for a long time.  Better to just ignore it, and soon a salad or something will show up".

I'd like to say, that as a mature adult, I ignored the pastry.  But I didn't.  Even though every cell in my body has been telling me for months that I should keep walking, don't even LOOK at the pastry.  Don't pick the pastry up.  Don't try to take the pastry home.  I tried to claw my way through the glass and eat the fucking pastry.  Sure enough...Bob was right.

While this could easily truly be about apples and pastries, it's actually a metaphor for something I am dealing with in my life.  It's only one of the challenges I am juggling right now, but it's the one that is causing the most immediate and pronounced pain.  I let the pretty display distract me from the fact that inside, it's just a fatty, high calorie mess, sure to make me feel worse about eating it than I did when I was just hungry.  And now here I am, knowing that not only was I unable to break through the glass, the pastry still sits there, beckoning, and I have to walk away from it.  I have to force myself to keep thinking how I really don't even want it.  Even though it may go on sale.  The glass my come down.  Hell, someone might buy the thing and put it on my desk.  I can not eat it.  Bob was right.  It is toxic.

I'm still hungry.  It could take a while for something nutritious to come my way.  When it does, it probably won't be as pretty as the pastry.  It might, but either way, it will be all filled with vegetables and vitamins, and that's the important part.  It will feed my hunger AND nourish my body.  I just have to be patient.

Bob, if you know so much...tell me how to get rid of the image of the pastry!!!!

Here's What's Bouncing Around In My Head

I'm sitting here watching a show about Vlad the Impaler, and trying to be interested, but it's pretty dull.  I've had a bunch of random and completely unrelated thoughts today, and I figured, why not put them down here, in case I eventually come up with answers and/or input someday.

1. I hate pine straw.  For you Northerners, pine straw is just dead pine needles.  Up north, when you have flower beds or landscapes areas around trees and signs, etc, we cover that with mulch.  Down here, they rake up all the dead pine needles and pile it on.  It's ugly, a fire hazard, and is perfect nesting ground for spiders.
2. Klean Karz is awesome.  My car is so clean, it feels almost new inside.  Of course, it won't last, but it's nice to pretend for a while.
3. Speaking of cars, I really, really need to have my car serviced.  It needs to have the brakes checked and the a/c looked at, and an oil change.  The problem is that this results in me having to sit at the car repair place all day waiting.  I hate waiting.
4. People continue to surprise me.  Just when I think I have stuff all figured out, a monkey wrench gets thrown in the mix.  I guess that's what keeps life interesting right?  The good thing is that as I get older, I get wiser.  I am much more likely to just flat out ask someone what's up rather than try to guess.  It's a nice change.  Even if you get an answer you don't necessarily want, at least you aren't fussing over the what ifs anymore.
5. I continue to surprise myself.  I really felt this past week and the week before that I was starting to actually feel muscles being used that I normally don't.  I don't know that I've lost any weight and/or inches (I will find out tomorrow) but I feel a little teeny bit healthier.  Now if I could get the diet under control, I'd be golden.  It's not terrible, I've been much worse, but it can always be better, right?

All in all, the last two weeks have been challenging.  I've been emotionally exhausted.  I think going to San Francisco for a few days really helped clear my head.  It was a nice change of scenery, and it was also nice to focus completely on one task, rather than having all this free time for my mind to wander.  I had really wanted to go home for 4th of July week if I wasn't having guests, but the tickets are just too expensive to make it a good decision.  So I have a five day break coming my way...now I just need to find ways to fill the time.  Taking suggestions...

Wanting

Have you ever been walking around, minding your own business, having what could actually be a pretty good day, and then POW!  One sentence ruins it all?  That just happened to me.  And now I actually feel stupid.  And confused.  And embarrassed.  But mostly stupid.  What made me think that I could be anything other than what I already am?  Oh sure, I can maybe amp up who and what I am…wear nicer clothes, spend time on my hair and make up, even exercise.  But I will never be the girl with the clean car, and the perfect mani/pedi, and the bed that’s made every day.  I will never be “serene” or “demure”.  Actually, it’s unlikely I will ever pass for a “lady”.  I will never have a nice nest egg, I will never be wearing matching bra and underwear.  I AM NOT JACKIE.  I am nothing like Jackie.  Pretending to be, or trying to be doesn’t change anything.  It gives you a false sense of self.  It makes you think you can be someone you aren’t.  It’s exhausting.

I think that maybe this is as good as it gets.  And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with things the way they are.  I am strong and capable.  I can support myself.  I have some friends, many close friends that are far away, and a few friends here in Georgia.  I am healthy, for the most part.  So maybe wanting more is being selfish.  I am so blessed in so many ways.  Maybe wanting more is just asking too much.  Maybe thinking you can have more, have everything you want, is unreasonable.

I’m afraid that if I don’t accept my lot in life, I will become bitter, or disappointed.  At what point do you just stop and say…”I have enough.  I have plenty.”?  When do you say…”You can no longer let me down, because I don’t expect anything from you.”?

Putting on The Brakes

In my younger days, holding a grudge was kind of my specialty.  As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that it often times just takes way to much energy.  That said…I would argue that there is a big difference between letting go of an issue that’s been resolved, and just plain pretending something never happened, especially if the issue is not resolved. 

My mom is really able to bounce back….if we have a minor disagreement, she is perfectly able to talk to me a few hours later as if it never even happened.  The key word in that sentence was “minor” in case you missed it. 

I also think that I am fairly laid back.  I don’t let much upset me, and I’m not easily offended or hurt. So when something DOES upset me or hurt my feelings, I very rarely even say anything.  Usually my facial expressions betray me, but I’ve even got a better hand on that in my old age.  If I actually admit out loud to someone that I am angry at them, or upset, or my feelings are hurt, it’s a pretty big deal.  Which is why I am so astounded that people can just pretend that entire conversations never happened, without any resolution at all. 

If I finally gather the strength to say to someone…I’m not going to pretend like this doesn’t hurt my feelings anymore.  I feel like you do not make this issue in our friendship a priority, and that not only hurts my feelings, but it makes me think you really have no idea how selfish you can be….how can that person just wait a while, and then try to carry on a conversation with that just hanging out there?!?!  That hurts almost as much as the whole thing did in the first place, because it tells me that the person STILL doesn’t understand that this is serious to me, and they’ve moved on. 

Well you know what?  That’s just not good enough.  I deserve more than that.  I deserve a sincere apology, and it wouldn’t hurt for that person to acknowledge that they have gone out of their way in the past for other “less important” friends, all the while just assuming I would handle being snubbed because we are so “close”.  I’m putting it out there, mostly so it’s not lodged in my chest like a 13 pound bowling ball.  My feelings are hurt.  The “reasons” and “explanations” no longer hold water.   I can provide specific examples if that’s what it takes.  I don’t typically “keep score” but this has been going on for so long, I have examples.  Plural.

I feel better for having written this down.  If you are reading this and thinking that maybe you owe a friend an apology, or a phone call, or a visit….let this be the kick in the pants you need to pony up.  Friendship is a two way street…if you’ve been on cruise control for a while, maybe it’s time to kick it into drive.

Even If It Breaks Your Heart.

About two months ago, I looked up from my life, on a day that was no different than any other and realized (much like when you are 15) that I had a crush on someone.  A total school girl, change-the-route-you-take-to-chemistry-class crush.  I can’t even tell you the last time that happened to me.  It was so out of the blue, and EXACTLY like high school, it knocked me off my feet.

I spent about a month obsessing over it.  I spent about a week trying to do something about it.  Then I spent a day…let’s call it “gathering information” (sounds less psycho that internet stalking).  I spend about 10 minutes determining there was too much potential drama involved for it to be worth it.

I spent the next week or so getting the butterflies any time I might happen to cross paths (which happened a little less frequently after I stopped “accidentally” running in to him), but all the while reminding myself of the myriad of reasons I should avoid it.  And I got to about 80% over it.

Then, yesterday, I looked up from my otherwise normal day, and realized (much like when I was 15) I still had this impossible crush!!!  I just can’t shake it.  I know it’s bad for me.  I know there’s probably nothing there anyway.  I just can NOT let it go!  I don’t WANT to let it go.  I melt!  What’s a girl to do?

Hello Old Friend

Wow.  That Eric Clapton song just came to me from WAY back in the memory banks.  Shades of my senior slide show....note to self:  Have to take that VHS tape to the place over in Edgewood to have it repaired.  Holy racing thought, Batman.

I don't know if it's just that I don't feel well, or that it's been a long few weeks, or that I'm at odds with a friend, or that I miss my "sister" Julie, but I'm a mess.  I've lost the motivation to exercise.  I've lost the Motivation to do just about everything.  My house is a WRECK.  Like a whole new level of wrong.  Half of it is packed, and what's left is just....scary.  Nostalgia is not my friend.  It cripples me.  This post is destined to be filled with non-sequiturs. 

It has been almost a month since my last post.  I wish I could say magical, exciting things have happened, but alas.  No.  I read the three "50 Shades" books, and that is approximately 1200 pages worth of time I will never get back.  Oooh, so shocking, he tied her hands up with a necktie.  Spanking.  I'm blushing.  SERIOUSLY?  I guess if this is what it takes to get people to read, then...whatever.  But for just one minute can we review how completely annoying and spineless Ana is?  She is what is wrong with women.  The scary part is, I know so many women who think just like her.  Of course, those women all have husbands/boyfriends and I don't, so maybe I'm doing it wrong. 

I made a grand gesture since then, that was not received the way I'd hoped, but it could have been worse.  I'm still trying to figure out what "It's the least I can do" translates to...and trying to decide what to do next.  It sucks...the heart wants what the heart wants, even if that is not always good for you, or even available to you.  Although, maybe it's just what you need, but it takes patience to get there?  Who knows.  It's entirely possible that I will die a lonely old maid.

To be perfectly honest, I think I need a good cry.  I have no real singular reason to cry, but...it's just below the surface, threatening to break through at just the wrong moments.  I've been so unlike myself for the past few months, I think it's just the emotional exhaustion of trying to keep up.  I yo yo between being weepy, self loathing, and irrationally angry.  I want the people in my life to take ownership and admit to the things that are staring right at them.  For a Virgo, I have a really intense obsession with Justice with a capital "J".  I can only imagine that it is because I was born on the cusp.

On the upside, I am pretty sure I am going to San Francisco next month, and I really do love it there.  I may try to stay an extra day just for me.  At any rate, I have plans to take the cable car down to the area near Ghiradelli Square and eat at Capurro's, where I had the BEST blueberry martini ever made.  And some pretty good calamari too.  So, I've got that going for me.

Now, I think I will settle in and watch "Rope" and hopefully fall asleep.....



 

 

Venting

I’m really freaking tired of being strong and independent.  For once, I’d like to be the girl that someone wants to take care of, not because I can’t take care of myself, but because they just want to.

Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way.

Famous words from my adolescence.  It's meant to be empowering, or at the very least to force a decision from the person it's being directed at.  The trouble is, one of the options is "get out of the way".  Getting out of the way is just so passive.  You aren't going to be strong and take the lead.  You aren't going to be supportive and follow a strong leader.  You're just going to step aside, let the rest of the crowd pass you by.  I never really spent much time thinking about it back then, but I was thinking about it today.  I want to blaze a trail.  But that's a scary thought.  Have you ever done something that was decisive, but totally outside of your normal zone?  Some people are naturally decisive.  Opinionated.  Outspoken.  I used to be one of those people.  And once, I even went ahead and made a strategic move that I thought I could never do.  And you know what?  It actually worked out...for a little while, at least. 

Ten years ago, there was a person in my life who would never have been there, if I hadn't made a decision to take the lead.  And for a few years, we were happy.  When he realized he was no longer happy, he took the lead, because at that point, I wasn't strong enough to admit that I wasn't happy either.  That person changed my life.  Because of him, I had the opportunity to learn about myself, who I really am.  I had the chance to grow, and focus on the things that I wanted most in life.  And most importantly, his willingness to be the bad guy gave me the courage and the space to go out and get what I wanted from life.  Did it happen right away?  Hell no.  Was I miserable?  Absolutely.  I was miserable, for a very long time.  Until one day, I wasn't.  When I finally realized that I had to stop fighting the past and embrace my future, I made another bold decision.  I decided to lead my life to the place where I wanted to be.  Six months later I moved to Philadelphia to take job doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.  Since then, I haven't spent a lot of time looking back.  I'm not going to lie, I spent some time, but not a lot.  Most of the time that has passed between then and now has been dedicated to becoming who I wanted to be professionally.  A process that was by no means an easy road.  But I fought through hard times, and waited patiently, and didn't give up hope, and here I am, for all intents and purposes, successful. 

Now that I have that all under control, it's time to go back to where I started.  I have to move into the next phase, and that means making a decision to take the lead in my personal life.  It's a scary thought.  I'm not exactly the person I want to be physically.  My self-esteem is a little lower than I'd like it to be.  Taking a negative hit right now would be more than a little bump in the road.  But...what good is a feeling of professional success, and truly being relaxed and enjoying your life, if you have no one to share it with?  I have avoided a serious relationship for a LONG time, mostly because I was never settled.  It took much longer than I expected to get over that relationship that kick started my adult life.  After I moved to Philly, I was just feeling comfortable when I ended up having to move back to Pittsburgh.  I knew that time in Pittsburgh would be temporary, so I didn't focus on meeting someone then.  My move to Atlanta was such a stretch, I just wanted to make it through a year down here without any additional stress.  But now I'm ready.  And someone has even caught my eye. 

There are a hundred reasons not to do anything about it.  Probably closer to two hundred.  I've spent countless hours debating what my next move should be.  And you know what keeps running through my head?  "Lead, follow or get out of the way."  "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got."  "If you want big rewards, you gotta take big risks."  So...I'm going to do it.  I'm not sure yet how, or when, but at least I won't have to look back and wonder "what if...?"        

I Made It! By Faking It.

Let’s discuss a concept we’re all familiar with.  Let’s talk about “Faking it until You Make It.”  This is the method by which we pretend we are happy, and then we suddenly are.  Or we pretend we know what we are doing, until we do.  Or we’re not sure if we like this particular person, but we keep at it until we are friends.  Or maybe not friends, but at least until you have a certain level of respect for them.  I’d love to be able to ask Jackie flat out what her feelings were on this matter.  On the one hand, I think she would champion this.  If you aren’t feeling the part, just pretend you are.  No one has to know, you’ve put your best foot forward, and everything thinks you are amazing.  The other part of me thinks she would NEVER do this.  Everything I’ve read about Jackie has been perfectly clear that Jackie had no problem saying no to invitations that didn’t interest her, gently but firmly reminding people that may have wronged her, and just generally being fabulous at most things she undertook. 

Jackie was a student.  A lifelong student.  She read voraciously, and was a true believer of “Be the labor, great or small, do it well or not at all”.  So the question really becomes…did Jackie only participate in activities she knew she would excel at, or did she fake it until she made it?

I can’t decide how I feel about it.  I know mind over matter works, to a certain extent.  For instance, I wanted to cry before I even hit the mat yesterday at the gym.  But I took a few deep breaths and just started telling myself it wouldn’t be that bad, I could do it, one thing at a time.  And it helped.  I also know that when I am doing things like cleaning my house, if I turn on the stereo and set the timer, giving myself little goals, it makes it so much less…mind numbing.  But can this really work with other things, like food?  And people?  Let’s start with food.  I hate vegetables.  There, I said it.  Big shocker.  BUT- I know they are good for me, and healthy, and in theory they fill you up.  So, if I force myself to eat them, will I eventually like them?  I can’t imagine how that works.  If something is physically perceived as unappealing to a person, how does forcing it make the effect any less repulsive?  Same with people.  If there is something about a person that just makes you wince a little bit….can you grow to like them? 

I don’t know.  Maybe there is a way to experiment and try to prove/disprove this theory.  Maybe I should fix a vegetable every day this week, and only eat that.  If I am hungry enough, it’ll probably taste like the most amazing thing ever, right?

Dread.

It’s been more than a week since I’ve been to the gym.  I have an appointment tonight with the trainer, and I know it’s going to hurt.  Bad.  The effects of all this exercise is so subtle, it’s really hard to stick with it.  I don’t really see the results in the way my clothes fit, or the number on the scale.  Well, maybe slightly on the scale.  But nothing dramatic.  And it’s a vicious circle because I need to see results to want to keep working out, and I need to work out to see results.  I think I need a goal.  Like, a more specific goal than just “be healthier”, or lose weight.  Maybe I should sign up to run a 5k or something.  Last time I worked out I did 4 miles in just under an hour.  That’s no kind of land speed record, but considering that two months ago I couldn’t walk to the car without an oxygen tank, I think its good progress. 

I do know that while I have been “dieting”, or even really sticking to a super low for eating plan, my body can totally tell the difference.  I spent the weekend in Pittsburgh, and I ate so much junk food, and my body was really not thrilled about it.  It took a few days to get back into my groove.  So back to grilled chicken, low to no soda, more fruit and protein. 

It’s supposed to be really nice out this weekend, of course, so I might try to rent a bike or something on Saturday and do some packing in the evening.  I want to try to start running outside rather than on the elliptical, but I know it’s not the same, and I’m not sure how to make the transition from one to the other.  Anyone have any suggestions?  As for packing, I think I am going to go REALLY hardcore, and get rid of as much as possible.  Books, Tupperware, holiday decorations I don’t use….everything must go.  If I am going to scale back, I should really scale back.  Two bags of clothes was a good start, and I know there is at least one Rubbermaid tub in the closet in the spare room that can get emptied and donated too.  I know this because in the two years that I have lived down here, I have not unpacked it.

That about wraps it up for me for now.  If I am still human after my workout, I may update on how awful it really was.  But don’t hold your breath….

The Scream

Do any of you guys out there know anything about dream interpretation?  For a long time now (several years, in fact) I have been experiencing some of the most intense dreams of my life.  All of the dreams are extremely vivid, and they usually include strong emotions.  And by strong emotions, I mean, like emotional content that make me wake up feeling spent.  In the dream I am either usually really, really scared, angry, frustrated, sad, or some combination of those.  But not just like a bad dream.  I’m not really sure how to describe them, except that sometimes the content is so….horrifying….I wake up and I’m literally shaking, or crying, or yelling.  Also, usually in the dream, I am trying desperately to speak to someone…either to beg, to yell, to scream, just to talk even, and my jaw is locked.  I literally can not open my mouth to talk to the person.  I have to struggle to speak around my own clenched teeth.  I also often have no voice.  I have the clenched jaw and I have to struggle for sound to come out. 

I’ve been in enough therapy over the years, and enough psychology classes to get the overall big picture here…I have something to say, but I can’t say it, no one is hearing me, blah blah blah….I’m keeping all my emotions bottled up inside….but I really don’t know what that is all about, because I really don’t feel like I have a lot of unaddressed anger or sadness right now.  It is really blowing my mind. 

I saw this thing in Best Buy called Zeo Sleep Manager.  It’s this headband thing you wear and it transmits info to your iPhone.  I’m thinking about getting it…..cheaper than a sleep study, but maybe it would lend some insight into my jacked up brain… 

Glowing

I HATE WORKING OUT.  I will never like it, I'm pretty sure.  I have grown to tolerate the cardio portion, but this whole weight-machine-plank-position-crawl-out-lunges bullshit is getting old.  I think the part that frustrates me is that A) it's not getting an easier and 2) I'm not seeing any results (on the scale or in the fit of my clothes).

I will say though, that since i got my hair cut and colored, and started picking up the pace as far as my wardrobe selections go, I have received a lot of compliments at work.  Actually, the other day I was sitting with one of the CAD guys working out a floorplan, and he looked at me and said "what's going on with you lately?  You seem to have a kind of glow about you!"  Now, some women may faint at the word "glow" as it's usually associated with being pregnant.  Since that is clearly not the issue here, I was actually pretty flattered.  I also can feel a renewed sense of confidence...small as it may be.  The thing I am having trouble with though is shedding some of the bad habits I picked up trying to mask my low self esteem.  There was a point in my life when someone actually used the word "demure" to describe me.  I know.  Soooo not me right now, or in the last few years.  I have developed a kind of boisterous, brash, at times even...crude sense of humor to deflect.  It is completely NOT ladylike.  And you know what sucks most about that?  In the dating world, it's an assumption that most men prefer a less abrasive woman, but in the South?  DAMN.  I mean, DANG.  They want a LADY.  If I'm ever to meet someone special I feel that I might need to tone it down.  A little.  OK, a lot.  And you know what?  It's not even really about catching a man.  It's really about the fact that I don't need to use that kind of language as often as I do.  It's just not classy.  So, in addition to my appearance, my diet, my financial considerations, I now have to add my language and overall demeanor to the list of things to revamp.  *sigh*

At least Lent is over in a week...then I can have a nice ice-cold glass of pop.  Yes, I said pop.  What?

For Tim...

So, by request…here is a little update on the vet visit.  Last week I was supposed to take Sid and Geno to the vet.  Sid was being spayed and microchipped, and Geno was being microchipped.  I was concerned because I only have one cat carrier…but neither one of them is very large.  In the morning, I got the carrier out, put a towel in there, and opened the door.  Both cats went right in (curiosity killed the cat, right?).  I closed them in, and loaded them into the car.  The whole way to the vet, there was not one single noise from that carrier.  They were little angels. 

I dropped them off, and went to work.  But the fun was just beginning.  About 30 minutes after I got to work, the vet called me.  They had already put Sid under the anesthesia, and when they were shaving her, they found a scar, and a small tattoo.  Apparently, sometimes rescues and shelters will tattoo animals that have been spayed, so that if they turn up somewhere else, you know they’ve been taken care of.  Anyway, this wouldn’t have been any big deal, except Sid is very young, maybe 4 months…and the kicker is she already had a microchip.  The vet felt confident she had already been spayed, so she didn’t want to open her up again, and I agreed.

I called the rescue group to let them know.  She made some calls, and tracked the microchip to a shelter in North Carolina.  So it seems someone must have had a litter of kittens that were spayed, but didn’t want them, and dumped them here.  She was found with a colony of feral cats by a dumpster on Memorial.  It’s a mystery, but no owner info was on the chip, so…

After work, I picked them up.  They brought them out, both of them in the same carrier from the morning.  The tech sat them down on the counter, and I heard a loud “MROW!!”  I didn’t really think much of it.  I loaded them into the car, and all was fine for about 3 minutes.  Then, the hissing began.  I live about 15 minutes from the vet.  In that time, Geno hissed, spat, bit, pinned and wrestled Sid in the space of that tiny carrier.  The carrier was bouncing all over the front seat of the car. I was seriously afraid that he was going to hurt her.  I had a cardboard box in the backseat for moving, and I seriously thought about stopping and putting one of them in the box.  The only thing that stopped me was that I was pretty sure that if I opened the door of the carrier, he would bolt, and I’d never be able to hold him.  So we toughed it out.  BUT – next time, I might have to invest in a second freakin cat carrier….

Decisions

I’m writing this as I set at my desk at work.  I have other things that I should be doing, but none of them is inspiring right now.  I’m in a dilemma.  I have the classic difficult choice to make.  Well, that’s not really true…since no matter what I choose, the final outcome is dependent on the participation of another person.  But, I do have decisions to make.  And they are hard decisions.  It’s a delicate matter of weighing the things I know, the things I don’t know, the things I want, and the things I think I can have.  If you know me well, or even probably a little bit, you will know these things about me: 

·         I have ZERO patience.  I like to have the answer RIGHT NOW

·         I have the tendency to make bad decisions

·         My bad decisions are usually caused by my impatience

So the situation that is in front of me may not be an earth shattering one, or one that ultimately makes a huge impact on my life, but I feel like I am getting to be too old to make spontaneous, instant-gratification choices.  My head tells me that I should think it through, make an educated choice based on the information I have, which at this point is very little.  But there is a nagging little part of me that wants to throw caution to the wind and just take a wild leap.  I made a similar decision and acted upon it once in the past, and while it didn’t work out long term, for a little while, it made my life more enjoyable.  I know I am rambling….

Let’s say for the sake of argument that I am talking about a vacation.  Let’s suppose that I am in the market for a vacation package.  And to make matters more interesting, let’s pretend I am bidding on the vacation packages online.  So, option A is Anycity, USA.  Pretty vanilla, I know that there will be things to do there, and places to see, and I will have a good time.  But it’s not the most exotic locale on earth.  The odds of winning this auction are better than 60%.  It’s a safe bet, and it is affordable.  English speaking, familiar, but still something new.  Not somewhere I’ve been before.  But very much like a lot of places I’ve been before.  Option B is slightly more exotic.  There might not be as much to do, there might not really be anything to see.  The description is pretty vague.  Foreign…different, the kind of thing where I really won’t know more until I get there.  But the brochure makes me want to go anyway.  The chances of winning this auction are less certain, and the minimum bid is higher. In fact, in order to possibly win the Option B auction, I have to commit a little deposit in advance.  Not so much that if I don’t win, I will be financially ruined, but just enough to make the idea of going out on this limb uncomfortable.

A younger me would go for Option B, without much thought.  It’s the more exciting option, and if you lose a little on the way, well…no big deal.  But now that I am older, I am thinking…well, is option B really worth the risk of making an investment, even if I end up not being able to visit?  Especially, when I could take option A, and maybe not have the same thrills and chills, but it’s still a vacation, and I know I won’t get there and be faced with any major surprises? 

Decisions.  I hate them.

Scrambled.

That's how I feel today.  People who know me might tell you that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  As a result, I can often times come across a little cynical.  Defensive even.  Over the past say...eight months, I've been working really hard on worrying less about things I have no control over, and using that reclaimed energy to just do more with my life.  Work harder and cleaner, stay positive, enjoy my friends and family.  Once I realized how much energy it was taking for me to be worried, and even angry, and definitely scared, I started feeling like I was more successful.  And so since I haven't spent the last few months worrying about me, little things that might normally get my panties in a bunch have not really made an impact.  But I felt today for the first time in a while that something evil this way comes.  OK, evil might be a stretch.  Maybe a better word would be...heavy.  Something that might weigh me down emotionally.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  But yesterday and today, I have felt a little down.  Yesterday I just couldn't quite climb out of a slight dip in my mood.  I needed to go to the gym, but I just didn't feel like it.  Believe me, this happens a LOT.  But yesterday was honestly the first time I didn't go, just because I didn't feel like it.  Today I was going over my finances, and that just brought me right back down too.  I have good intentions.  But managing money just is not a skill that I was born with.  For some reason, ever since Christmastime, I have really been struggling to keep things on an even keel.  It's not going so well this month.  But, there's no where to go from here but up, I suppose.  Well, that's not really true, but let's just not go there. 

I did go to the gym today, and I had a sinking feeling that Rashaad (The Devil's Proctologist) was going to have something awful up his sleeve for me.  But, sometimes life throws you a bone.  My prepaid sessions were up, and so I can't schedule again till after my next payment, which is next week.  So, instead of cracking the whip on me, he just made a list of exercises he wanted me to do and off I went to do them.  While I was waiting for an elliptical machine to open up, I decided to use the recumbent bike to kill time.  Better than nothing, right?  Let me just say, that after weeks of the elliptical, the recumbent bike was like sissy time.  Seriously.  I should have known since every person using one was reading a book.  When an elliptical finally did open up, I hoped on.  The woman next to me was wearing what I can only describe as the Under Armor version of a burka.  Now, kudos to her for trying to stay healthy when no one sees her body anyway.  BUT.  Deodorant is not really optional in the gym.  I've been crammed next to some seriously sweaty people over the last 6 weeks, and not one of them made me seriously consider getting off the machine until today.  Wow. 

At any rate, I finished, and came home to do dishes and make something to eat for tomorrow.  Which brings me to my next gripe. (sorry, this post isn't very upbeat...).  Brown Rice.  WTF?  I had been buying those minute rice single serving microwavable cups, but in an effort to reduce the processed food I eat, I bought a bag of rice at the store.  Followed the directions on the bag.  Checked after 40 minutes, rice is still hard, all water is gone.  So, I added more water, cooked for another 20 minutes.  It never really got soft...(and yes, I know brown rice has a little more "bite" to it than white rice, but this was HARD).  So today I tried again.  I am not going to let this whole grain beat me.  Today, after 40 minutes, the rice was getting soft, and there was still water in the pan.  I let it go another 10 minutes.  It didn't seem like it was going to absorb any more water, so I just drained it off.  It's OK....but I feel like there is some brown rice mystery that I am not privy to yet.  Maybe it's the brand.  I bought Goya, because it was cheap.  When I buy white rice, I usually buy the Texmati in the little jug thing.  Maybe I should try that brand's brown rice.  UGH.

Sid (the kitty formerly known as Isla) is going to be spayed tomorrow, and both will be microchipped.  Right now my biggest concern about the whole thing is how to fit them both into one cat carrier.  This ought to be interesting...

This N'at

I really do NOT want to clean out my apartment and pack.  I am just no good at it.  It's hte kind of thing I do better when someone is around to keep me copmany, but it's hte most boring thing in the world for that person.  I've been procrastinating in various ways...yesterday I got my hair done, then I went to the store.  I came home with the best intentions....but I took a nap, and then decided to go to Montana's for some St. Patty's day fun.  While I was there, I was introduced to a guy who is also from Pittsburgh.  While it was nice to chat with someone who knows what it means to be from the 'Burgh...that guy could TALK.  Jeez.  However, he claims that his mother has perfected a chipped ham barbeque recipe despite not having access to Isaly's Chipped Ham.  I'm not sure I believe that it can be done.

Today, I went to get my 2010 state taxes done.  The move to Gerogia made doing my state taxes really complicated last year, and i just kept putting them off.  So now they are done, and I will actually get some money back.  Of course, it's less money than it actually cost me to get the taxes done, but it was worth it.  So now, I will just do my federal and state for this year and be in good shape.  But, after I did that I came home and...took a nap.  I don't know what the deal is, but I am so SLEEPY!    Sleep as an avoidance mechanism. 

Tomorrow begins another week of food and exercise.  All this exercise means that I am in the search for some new owrkout clothes.  The challenge is:  apparently they don't make workout clothes for fat people.  SERIOUSLY?  I have two pairs of yoga pants, one that I bought when I was ballroom dancing, and one that is older.  The ballroom dancing pants are a little snig to be honest.  The others are a little loose.  I find that my normal t-shirts are heavy.  And I'd like to find some shorts.  When I wore the shorts that I have...they just aren't for working out.  I've basically accepted that the gym is a place where I will never look "cute".  And, given what some of the other women who are just as large as I am wear...I really should just focus on what is comfortable.  Here's hoping I can find some capri lenth yoga pants and a lighter top that don't make me look like an overstuffed sausage..... 

No More Tears

My life has become an endless list.  Running through my mind are the things I need to remember to do to make this workout thing effective.  Pack healthy meals and snacks to make sure I eat every few hours.  Sounds like it should be easy.  Remember to eat a snack about an hour before working out.  Eat some lean protein within an hour after working out.  Do cardio immediately after strength training.  Work off at least 1500 calories per week.  increase intensity level of cardio to 7 by the end of March.  Sometimes I think being fat and out of shape might be the way to go.  Sure, I'll probably keel over from a heart attack at 37 given my family history (dad had heart attack & quad bypass at 39, cardiac arrest at 45.  Grandfather on both sides dead of heart attacks, paternal in his 40's, maternal in his 50's), but I'll have enjoyed my time right?

Truth is, no matter how much I HATE working out (and I do HATE it), I wasn't really enjoying my time all that much.  Sure, I was eating food that tasted DELICIOUS, watching all my favorite TV shows, sleeping in on Saturdays.  So I guess the new schedule, getting home later, and not watching any TV, and setting reminders on my calendar to EAT...it MIGHT be worth it.  Ask me in a month.

I was reading another blog today, and she was suggesting that it's important to have a dream...even if it seems completely unlikely.  The purpose of the dream is to give you something to reach for.  And to let you know when you are starting to get there.  I think that is actually pretty wise.  If you ask my mom, she might tell you that I often say that when I was little, I had a very difficult time envisioning my life as an adult.  I really never quite had a vision for myself past my teens.  And even as I have begun LIVING my adult life, I've really been just getting through it.  On a journey to....nothing.  So I figure, it's about time that I decided what my dreams are.  Set some real, adult goals for myself.  Some will probably never be realized (like owning a yacht), but some will (like owning a home).  I'm pretty excited about this.  I'll be sure to keep you updated as I determine what these dreams are.

Off to eat some hard boiled eggs.  And chicken.  Yum.

Phase One: Just the Beginning

So as it turns out, the first month has all really only been Phase One.  Preparation.  Gathering Underpants, in the words of South Park.  Today was weigh in day.  I have lost about 3 pounds.  The catch is, my body fat percentage actually went UP.  Seriously?  As it turns out, exercising is good, but I am eating all wrong.  Not just WHAT I eat, but how and when I eat it.  I need to up the lean protein after my workouts, and limit sodium all around.  And of course, up the frequency and intensity of the workouts.  Great.  But I Am. Not. Giving. Up.  Yet. 

My goals for the next month are to lose four pounds, and go 1% lower body fat than when I started.  I also have to aim to work off at LEAST 1500 calories per week.  I am just over 1,100 for the week, so tomorrow I have to do at least 400.  The good news is that I actually did 3 miles today, 2 of which averaged 13 minutes.  Yay me!

Overall, I'm still in good spirits, because even if the numbers don't show it yet, I must be healthier than a month ago.  And this will all come.  So now I have to work on reducing/eliminating processed foods, and preparing fresh meals.  And eating several small meals throughout the day.  All the while, working, finding an apartment, packing....no sweat.

Bring it.

I'm Such a Girl

So little did I know when I posted yesterday about experiencing life, that today I would get bitchslapped with the girl stick.  Warning: this post will contain profanity.  Today I experienced the SHIT out of my life.  I'm so not a girly girl.  I don't do frills, or floral stuff, or lacy things.  I'm not one to spend hours on my hair and make up.  I mostly wear pants.  I am not "delicate".  Even before I got fat, I wasn't "delicate".  I was always a big bones, taller, thicker kind of woman. Solid.  And that's fine.  I'm also not usually super emotional.  I will cry when things are sad, and I do get angry, but I'm never wimpy.  At least I don't consider myself to be wimpy. 

Today I was a wimpy punk-ass bitch.  I should have seen it coming.  I mean, all day Friday I had that 15 year old girl feeling going on.  All weekend I was a little wistful and reminiscent.  I was even kind of optimistic and hopeful for a few hours (totally unfamiliar territory for me).  But overall, these things kept me in a good mood.  Actually, almost a very good mood.  I was actually at work today at 7:53.  In the MORNING.  That is a HUGE deal..I went to the gym yesterday after work, and I was thinking, "Man.  This actually feels  kinda...good!"  It's getting a little easier!  Maybe I should step up the intensity on the elliptical."  Then today....still pretty good.  Got some important things done at work, maybe not quite as optimistic and hopeful as the weekend, but still..doing good.  Then I left work and went to meet with my trainer Rashaad, who will from this day forth be known as The Devil's Proctologist.

TDP as we will call him to save time, greeted me with a sandwich in hand.  Asked if I'd warmed up.  I lied and said sort of.  He made me go upstairs ans run for 5 minutes.  Ok, not terrible.  Come back down, thinking we are ready for some weight machines.  Only, wait....he is walking PAST the machines and heading for the stretching room.  This is Not. Good.  James had me in there once and it ended badly.  I tell TDP this.  He grins like a maniac.  We enter the chamber of horror.  First things first, he says.  High step jogging in place for 30 seconds, then butt-kick jogging in place for 30 seconds.  Guys, you may want to cover your ears for this part.  Ladies...some of you can sympathize with me here.  I am not exactly dainty in the chest area.  While 30 seconds is NOT a long time, and I was wearing a sports bra, things were getting ugly.  I'm pretty sure TDP's goal today was to break me down.  And it took awhile, I'm proud to say.  I made it through one set of girly push-ups, one set of lunges, one set of squats and one set of what I like to call "parachute moves".  Then he gave me the maniacal grin again and said the two words he knew would crush my spirit.  Plank. Hold.  After that it's mostly a blur, mostly because I FREAKIN CRIED.  Not only did I have a tear or two, I was like full-on, girly, tears, hyperventilating CRYING.  But damn it if I didn't finish EVERY set of EVERY exercise he threw at me.  True, I had to pause a few times to take a minute to try and calm down so I could breathe.  But I did it.  He was clearly embarrassed, and tried to explain that his role was to push me, blah, blah blah, to which I replied "I hate your freakin guts". 

Thursday I will get my one month measurements.  He was already prepping me in case I don't quite make what I thought I would, but you know what?  Even if I didn't lose a single pound...even if I didn't lose a single inch...I am sleeping better at night, I am in a better mood during the day, and my heart HAS to be healthier than it was 30 days ago.  So I will take what I can get. 

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go bawl into a bowl of ice cream and then take a shower.

Finding a Moment

Yeah, I used to keep a blog way back in the "MySpace" days, and I updated it much more often.  Partly because I hated my job and I was looking for something, ANYTHING to do that didn't involve cold calling.  But maybe partly because I was more interesting then?  Nah.  Impossible.

Not a whole lot of news on the whole new me front...I had big plans to clean out my closet this weekend, but that got pushed aside when I learned that the apartment complex I was planning to move into is apparently a crack den.  Seething with undesirables.  At least, that's the face my ex-boss made when I told him about my plan.  Direct quote: "If you were my daughter, I would not be comfortable with you living there".  Well that is just fan-freaking-tastic.  I have around 15 days to decide if I am staying in this apartment or not, and all signs point to no.  They want to raise my rent by $50, plus add in a $25 trash collection fee.  Add that to my current rent and my monthly water bill, and I should be learning how to work a pole. 

Since operation Clean Up My Credit has only just begun, the best thing seems to be downsizing to a 1 bedroom (since none of you a-holes ever visit me anyway) and staying in the posh part of town.  Making the next 12 months all about credit rehab, and then in a year, buy something.  On one hand it sucks because real estate is dirt cheap down here right now.  And who knows in a year.  On the other, if I work at it for 12 months, my credit score would punch your credit score right in the mouth.  I'm spoiling for a fight so....bring it.

There might be something to this whole exercise thing, and maybe even more to the no pop (soda!) thing.  I gave up pop for Lent...I thought it would be hard.  It really isn't EXCEPT that I live in the south, so when you order tea instead of pop it is loaded with SUGAR.  Since I only drink diet pop now, I may run into a small challenge with not gaining any weight.  But since I am already working out, hopefully I can keep it at bay by drinking mostly water and the occasional juice or tea.  Baby steps...

Friday was a weird day for me.  I felt just like I used to feel in high school...sort of..anticipatory.  Is that a word?  It is now.  I think it might just be a flash of self confidence reigniting itself.  I don't want to speak too soon, but it was kind of a good feeling.  I was nostalgic without being morose.  And since death was imminent in the form of a gazillion tornadoes (sorry if I offend, but it barely even got windy in my neighborhood) and since I had canceled my cable that very day, I spent some time in the old way-back machine.  (Name that TV show!) 

I remembered my first "real" job at Equitable gas and how my favorite thing to wear was a black skirt, a lime green blouse, black pantyhose, and black pumps.  I felt like a million bucks in that outfit.  I also had a blouse I bought at Brooks Brothers that I loved.  I think I still have that one somewhere.  I remembered driving up to Ghostriders to line dance with Dana...such fun we had!  I remembered how the summer before my sophomore year in high school, I had permed hair, and I loved cut off jeans and tie-dye.  I was such a wannabe hippie.  For a few months.  I remembered stalking a guy I had a crush on through the halls of my high school...walking down one hall and all the way through the rotunda, even though I never had a single class in the rotunda.  But HE did.  I remembered driving down Route 8 with my college boyfriend...we had the top down, and the air was cool but it felt good and fresh.  There were star out and the moon was bright.  We weren't really going anywhere...just driving.  I remember listening to a demo tape that some guys I knew had made.  There were three songs on that tape, and I listened to it for 10 days straight while I was in Europe.  Confession:  I still have that Chasing Autumn tape in my stereo.  Right now.

I have so many GOOD memories.  I feel fortunate for that.  My family wasn't rich, but I never felt poor.  My group of friends was small, but I never felt alone.  I wasn't the most popular, or the most talented, or the prettiest, or the smartest, but I felt special.  And that is what has been missing from my life for the past few years.  I stopped feeling like I was someone special.  Nothing changed in my life...my friends are still my friends, my family is still my family.  In many ways I have proven t be a much stronger person that I was then.  But I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  I was so busy "getting through" life, that I wasn't living my life.

So...in addition to my goals for the week of cleaning out my closet, finding a place to live, and working out at least three more times, I vow to experience my own life.  Even if it is just one fleeting moment, I want to make a new memory.

The Smell of Winter

I was in Pittsburgh over the weekend, and it snowed on Saturday.  Not a lot, just enough to cover the roads in the morning, and require a snow brush.  It had mostly melted by yesterday afternoon, but it was still cold.  I was watching Downton Abbey with my mom and snuggling with my Babydog (Murphy's nickname...).  I had opened the window at the top of the bed in my mom's room just a crack so the icy air was seeping in, and it smelled like winter.  People in Georgia probably don't know what winter smells like.  It has never smelled like snow here.  It gets chilly, and sometimes there is even frost on my windshield, but it has not once smelled like snow, with a hint of woodsmoke from a fireplace. 

While I was home, I went to see the Madeleine Albright pin exhibit.  It was pretty interesting, although I was sort of hoping to see more pictures of her wearing the actual pins.  Still, they were pretty cool.  I think my favorite pin was actually one that was given to her by a man whose mother passed away during Hurricane Katrina.  His mother was a fan, and the pin was a gift for her 60th wedding anniversary, I think.  Not the most interesting pin, or the most unique, but for sure one with meaning.  We also got a chance to see an exhibit of photographs taken by Pittsburgh native Teeny Harris.  He was a freelance photographer for an African-American newspaper in Pittsburgh from the  1940's until the 1970's.  The exhibit featured over 300 of his photographs.  A lot of people don't know that Pittsburgh's Hill District was a really important center of African American culture during that time.  I won't pretend to be an expert, but many many important jazz artists and other musicians had strong ties to the Hill.  The photos were amazing.  Fashions, famous figures, lifestyle shots, urban landscapes...amazing.  My grandma was less than amazed...but I wasn't surprised.  My mom and I both agreed that we could have spent the whole day just in that room.  You should Google it.

I also went and worked out at the new LA Fitness on McKnight road and let me say, while it was crowded (Saturday morning though), it was VERY nice.  Much nicer than the club I work out at.

This weekend is the weekend I finally tackle my dreaded closet.  I mean it.  Now it's been published, so now you all know, so now I have to follow through.  If these cats don't cause me to be admitted to the hospital for some kind of major allergic crisis, which is entirely possible.  I have BIG PLANS for this closet people.  I have to start eliminating STUFF, since I really want to move, and I really don't want to pay to move stuff I never wear/use.  So there you have it.  Now I have to go take some Benadryl, and a shower, and hermetically seal my bedroom off from these damn cats.

500 Calories in 47 Minutes!!

I've been slacking lately...not going to the gym as much as I should, watching too much TV...but today, I was back in the saddle.  Went after work, and my goal was to keep going until I hit 500 calories.  I was hoping to do it in 40 minutes, but it ended up taking 47.  Not terrible I guess.  It was more than 3 miles, and I hit a record speed of 5.5 mph at one point.  All in all, I'm making improvements.  The bigger accomplishment in my opinion was what I was able to do AFTER.  I dropped off my dry cleaning.  Came home, got the mail, went next door too feed my neighbors cat, came back to my house and did my own cats' litter boxes, emptied the dishwasher, reloaded it, wiped down the stove, swept the kitchen floor, did a load of laundry, took a shower, made some dinner and now I'm writing in my much neglected blog.

That might not seem like much to normal people, but for me...that is a LOT.  So maybe there is something to the whole "exercise gives you energy" theory.  I'll tell you one thing.  Knowing how long I have to run on that stupid elliptical machine to burn 500 calories really makes me think carefully about what I choose to eat.  So I guess that is also a positive side effect. 

I'm heading to Pittsburgh this weekend to see the Madeleine Albright Pin exhibit at the Carnegie with my mom, grandma, and my aunt.  I'm looking forward to it, because we don't get to do things like this all that often.  And I fully intend to turn my email off.  One thing is for sure, this year, when I am taking my personal vacation time, I am really going to be out of pocket.  I deserve that. 

I am also contemplating giving up pop (aka Soda in Philly, aka Coke-Cola in ATL) for Lent.  I don't always give something up, but in the spirit of getting healthier, it can't hurt to try.  My biggest fear honestly is the caffeine issue.  I drink PepsiMax, which has more caffeine per serving than a Mountain Dew.  Sheesh.  I could be in trouble on that account.

Finally, I bought some much needed new clothes this week.  Since I ordered them all online, I'm not sure how they will work out in the long run, but I'm looking forward to them.  If I am going to be all professional looking at work, I should invest i some classic pieces that I can mix and match.  Parker (my style guru) has advised me to avoid black and white (my previous go-to colors) in favor of brown and navy, and jewel tones, and some softer beiges, browns, and pinks.  I'm making an effort here!

So, that's all for me for now.  It's already nine pm, and I still need to change my sheets.... 

6500 Emails

6500+ Emails.  That is how many emails were in my inbox for work.  Needless to say, I'm not a big fan of the delete button.  My company uses Lotus Notes (I know, I know...) and mine has been acting up lately.  The IT guys updated my version, etc, but to no avail.  Today, it randomly started changing views on me.  I typically sort by date, with the most recent being at the top.  I would glance away, then look up, and it would be showing a string of emails from July 2011.  Totally crazy.  This happened like six times.  I called the IT guys who was baffled.  That's never a good thing.  In the course of conversation he suggested that maybe deleting some of those would at least increase the speed of the program.  Either way, I am probably in line for a new work laptop.

Also, I took Isla to the vet to be spayed yesterday but she has to weight at least 5 pound, which of course she doesn't.  So all in all this has been a great start to this week.  I did however go to the gym today, and my thirty minutes on the elliptical was noticeably easier this time around.  I think that is a good sign.  Tomorrow is another round with the trainer.  He sent me a list of things I should be doing on my own on the days we don't meet, but to be perfectly honest, I don't even know what half those things are.  I'm assuming they involve machines, but I think I'm going to have to google it.  Or break down and ask someone. 

In Jackie-related news, I am reading a new book about her, and what we can learn from her.  I'm not going to lie, I got about halfway through and was thinking, "Seriously?  She can't be THAT amazing!!"  What do I know.  I'm sitting on the floor in my living room watching the cats roll around in an empty whole foods bag, and hoping they don't try jumping on the ktichen counter and knocking over all the dirty dishes.  I am planning to take a class on Saturday to learn how to not kill orchids, so Saturday afternoon/evening becomes Jackie day.  And this time, I mean business.  That closet is going DOWN.

Downton Abbey Ruined My Weekend

I had big big plans to clean out my filing cabinet and organize my closet this weekend.  I did clean out the filing cabinet, but the rest of the weekend was a wash.  The cats were totally cute and snuggley, and I fell for it.  Then of course I was struck by a huge allergy attack, because only super geniuses adopt cats when they are allergic to cats.  I am SO smart.  Then, as if that wasn't enough, I started watching Downton Abbey on Netflix, and I couldn't stop.  Fan-freaking-tastic.

Tomorrow, I must get up early to take Isla to the vet to be spayed, and then I have to pick her up after work, so I don't think I will be able to get a workout in.  Which stresses me out a little, because it is easy for me to find reasons NOT to go.  I didn't go on Thursday because I had been there three days in a row and couldn't lift my leg.  I didn't go Friday because I had some stuff going on for work that I had to deal with.  I don't go on weekends, because...I just haven't. 

So my life was decidedly un-Jackie like this weekend.  But, tomorrow is another day.  I have big hopes for tomorrow.  I will pick up Isla, and then come home and cook dinner, and while dinner is in the oven, I will begin the closet project.

Onward!!
 

Going Into the Closet

In case you were wondering, the background image on this page is NOT my closet.  Yeah, I didn’t think you’d make that mistake either, but you never know.  Did you know that there are people out there (notice the use of the plural) who actually organize their closets not just by type of clothing, but also by COLOR?  My friend Angela does this, and so does her sister.  I always thought that they were just overachievers.  But now it has come to my attention that apparently, this is a common phenomenon.  I can’t even imagine what that must entail.  Most of the time, I’m lucky my clothes ever get folded, or make it back into the closet (see previous post regarding buried chair). 

I’ve always been a subscriber to the “you’re just lucky it’s on a hanger at all, why make it harder than it already is” school of closet organization.  Part of that is the result of growing up in a house that had no closets at all.  Tough to learn that skill, when your closet is 18” and has a sloped ceiling because it runs under the stairs.  Or later, when it’s a bar with no doors that spans a gaping hole in the attic (My dad is quite the carpenter, you see…).  I had a friend in high school that had your basic bi-fold door closet.  It had the racks and such, with shelves, high hanging areas, short hanging areas, and a space on the top shelf for shoes (In clear boxes…we’ll address that nonsense in another post).   She was a bit of a neat freak too, so again, it never occurred to me that this was normal.  My best friend also grew up in a house with serious closet issues, so what did I know?

Jackie’s closet was probably a thing of beauty.  She probably had her things divided up by type, color, fabric, maybe even designer (although she wasn’t above owning a knock-off).  Rows and rows of beautiful silk scarves, sweater sets, slacks…shoes, HATS.  Why did people stop wearing hats?  Men and women.  We should go back to that.  But I digress.  Back to Jackie’s closet, or more to the point, my closet.  Here it is, in all its glory:   

Before you go getting all up in my grill about how I have so many clothes, let’s get one thing clear.  A lot of these things don’t fit.  A lot of them are things that Parker (my style Guru) and many other friends have told me never to wear again (I’m thinking about you, navy golf shirt).  I am always afraid to donate clothes that don’t fit me under the pretense that if I lose weight, I won’t have to buy new things.  The reality is…some of those things have been in there waiting for…years.  I think it is time to take stock.  Considering that I am planning to move at the end of my lease (May), purging can only be a good thing.  Plus, if I get rid of all the stuff I don’t wear, two things will happen.  A) I will be able to organize my closet like Angela (and Jackie), and 2) I will be able to go on a shopping spree if this whole working out thing causes my body to change.   The only problem is…I have no idea HOW to go about this.  I seriously just googled “how to organize your closet”.  I need therapy.