Here's What's Bouncing Around In My Head

I'm sitting here watching a show about Vlad the Impaler, and trying to be interested, but it's pretty dull.  I've had a bunch of random and completely unrelated thoughts today, and I figured, why not put them down here, in case I eventually come up with answers and/or input someday.

1. I hate pine straw.  For you Northerners, pine straw is just dead pine needles.  Up north, when you have flower beds or landscapes areas around trees and signs, etc, we cover that with mulch.  Down here, they rake up all the dead pine needles and pile it on.  It's ugly, a fire hazard, and is perfect nesting ground for spiders.
2. Klean Karz is awesome.  My car is so clean, it feels almost new inside.  Of course, it won't last, but it's nice to pretend for a while.
3. Speaking of cars, I really, really need to have my car serviced.  It needs to have the brakes checked and the a/c looked at, and an oil change.  The problem is that this results in me having to sit at the car repair place all day waiting.  I hate waiting.
4. People continue to surprise me.  Just when I think I have stuff all figured out, a monkey wrench gets thrown in the mix.  I guess that's what keeps life interesting right?  The good thing is that as I get older, I get wiser.  I am much more likely to just flat out ask someone what's up rather than try to guess.  It's a nice change.  Even if you get an answer you don't necessarily want, at least you aren't fussing over the what ifs anymore.
5. I continue to surprise myself.  I really felt this past week and the week before that I was starting to actually feel muscles being used that I normally don't.  I don't know that I've lost any weight and/or inches (I will find out tomorrow) but I feel a little teeny bit healthier.  Now if I could get the diet under control, I'd be golden.  It's not terrible, I've been much worse, but it can always be better, right?

All in all, the last two weeks have been challenging.  I've been emotionally exhausted.  I think going to San Francisco for a few days really helped clear my head.  It was a nice change of scenery, and it was also nice to focus completely on one task, rather than having all this free time for my mind to wander.  I had really wanted to go home for 4th of July week if I wasn't having guests, but the tickets are just too expensive to make it a good decision.  So I have a five day break coming my way...now I just need to find ways to fill the time.  Taking suggestions...

Wanting

Have you ever been walking around, minding your own business, having what could actually be a pretty good day, and then POW!  One sentence ruins it all?  That just happened to me.  And now I actually feel stupid.  And confused.  And embarrassed.  But mostly stupid.  What made me think that I could be anything other than what I already am?  Oh sure, I can maybe amp up who and what I am…wear nicer clothes, spend time on my hair and make up, even exercise.  But I will never be the girl with the clean car, and the perfect mani/pedi, and the bed that’s made every day.  I will never be “serene” or “demure”.  Actually, it’s unlikely I will ever pass for a “lady”.  I will never have a nice nest egg, I will never be wearing matching bra and underwear.  I AM NOT JACKIE.  I am nothing like Jackie.  Pretending to be, or trying to be doesn’t change anything.  It gives you a false sense of self.  It makes you think you can be someone you aren’t.  It’s exhausting.

I think that maybe this is as good as it gets.  And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with things the way they are.  I am strong and capable.  I can support myself.  I have some friends, many close friends that are far away, and a few friends here in Georgia.  I am healthy, for the most part.  So maybe wanting more is being selfish.  I am so blessed in so many ways.  Maybe wanting more is just asking too much.  Maybe thinking you can have more, have everything you want, is unreasonable.

I’m afraid that if I don’t accept my lot in life, I will become bitter, or disappointed.  At what point do you just stop and say…”I have enough.  I have plenty.”?  When do you say…”You can no longer let me down, because I don’t expect anything from you.”?