I HATE WORKING OUT. I will never like it, I'm pretty sure. I have grown to tolerate the cardio portion, but this whole weight-machine-plank-position-crawl-out-lunges bullshit is getting old. I think the part that frustrates me is that A) it's not getting an easier and 2) I'm not seeing any results (on the scale or in the fit of my clothes).
I will say though, that since i got my hair cut and colored, and started picking up the pace as far as my wardrobe selections go, I have received a lot of compliments at work. Actually, the other day I was sitting with one of the CAD guys working out a floorplan, and he looked at me and said "what's going on with you lately? You seem to have a kind of glow about you!" Now, some women may faint at the word "glow" as it's usually associated with being pregnant. Since that is clearly not the issue here, I was actually pretty flattered. I also can feel a renewed sense of confidence...small as it may be. The thing I am having trouble with though is shedding some of the bad habits I picked up trying to mask my low self esteem. There was a point in my life when someone actually used the word "demure" to describe me. I know. Soooo not me right now, or in the last few years. I have developed a kind of boisterous, brash, at times even...crude sense of humor to deflect. It is completely NOT ladylike. And you know what sucks most about that? In the dating world, it's an assumption that most men prefer a less abrasive woman, but in the South? DAMN. I mean, DANG. They want a LADY. If I'm ever to meet someone special I feel that I might need to tone it down. A little. OK, a lot. And you know what? It's not even really about catching a man. It's really about the fact that I don't need to use that kind of language as often as I do. It's just not classy. So, in addition to my appearance, my diet, my financial considerations, I now have to add my language and overall demeanor to the list of things to revamp. *sigh*
At least Lent is over in a week...then I can have a nice ice-cold glass of pop. Yes, I said pop. What?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
For Tim...
So, by request…here is a little update on the vet visit. Last week I was supposed to take Sid and Geno to the vet. Sid was being spayed and microchipped, and Geno was being microchipped. I was concerned because I only have one cat carrier…but neither one of them is very large. In the morning, I got the carrier out, put a towel in there, and opened the door. Both cats went right in (curiosity killed the cat, right?). I closed them in, and loaded them into the car. The whole way to the vet, there was not one single noise from that carrier. They were little angels.
I dropped them off, and went to work. But the fun was just beginning. About 30 minutes after I got to work, the vet called me. They had already put Sid under the anesthesia, and when they were shaving her, they found a scar, and a small tattoo. Apparently, sometimes rescues and shelters will tattoo animals that have been spayed, so that if they turn up somewhere else, you know they’ve been taken care of. Anyway, this wouldn’t have been any big deal, except Sid is very young, maybe 4 months…and the kicker is she already had a microchip. The vet felt confident she had already been spayed, so she didn’t want to open her up again, and I agreed.
I called the rescue group to let them know. She made some calls, and tracked the microchip to a shelter in North Carolina. So it seems someone must have had a litter of kittens that were spayed, but didn’t want them, and dumped them here. She was found with a colony of feral cats by a dumpster on Memorial. It’s a mystery, but no owner info was on the chip, so…
After work, I picked them up. They brought them out, both of them in the same carrier from the morning. The tech sat them down on the counter, and I heard a loud “MROW!!” I didn’t really think much of it. I loaded them into the car, and all was fine for about 3 minutes. Then, the hissing began. I live about 15 minutes from the vet. In that time, Geno hissed, spat, bit, pinned and wrestled Sid in the space of that tiny carrier. The carrier was bouncing all over the front seat of the car. I was seriously afraid that he was going to hurt her. I had a cardboard box in the backseat for moving, and I seriously thought about stopping and putting one of them in the box. The only thing that stopped me was that I was pretty sure that if I opened the door of the carrier, he would bolt, and I’d never be able to hold him. So we toughed it out. BUT – next time, I might have to invest in a second freakin cat carrier….
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Decisions
I’m writing this as I set at my desk at work. I have other things that I should be doing, but none of them is inspiring right now. I’m in a dilemma. I have the classic difficult choice to make. Well, that’s not really true…since no matter what I choose, the final outcome is dependent on the participation of another person. But, I do have decisions to make. And they are hard decisions. It’s a delicate matter of weighing the things I know, the things I don’t know, the things I want, and the things I think I can have. If you know me well, or even probably a little bit, you will know these things about me:
· I have ZERO patience. I like to have the answer RIGHT NOW
· I have the tendency to make bad decisions
· My bad decisions are usually caused by my impatience
So the situation that is in front of me may not be an earth shattering one, or one that ultimately makes a huge impact on my life, but I feel like I am getting to be too old to make spontaneous, instant-gratification choices. My head tells me that I should think it through, make an educated choice based on the information I have, which at this point is very little. But there is a nagging little part of me that wants to throw caution to the wind and just take a wild leap. I made a similar decision and acted upon it once in the past, and while it didn’t work out long term, for a little while, it made my life more enjoyable. I know I am rambling….
Let’s say for the sake of argument that I am talking about a vacation. Let’s suppose that I am in the market for a vacation package. And to make matters more interesting, let’s pretend I am bidding on the vacation packages online. So, option A is Anycity, USA. Pretty vanilla, I know that there will be things to do there, and places to see, and I will have a good time. But it’s not the most exotic locale on earth. The odds of winning this auction are better than 60%. It’s a safe bet, and it is affordable. English speaking, familiar, but still something new. Not somewhere I’ve been before. But very much like a lot of places I’ve been before. Option B is slightly more exotic. There might not be as much to do, there might not really be anything to see. The description is pretty vague. Foreign…different, the kind of thing where I really won’t know more until I get there. But the brochure makes me want to go anyway. The chances of winning this auction are less certain, and the minimum bid is higher. In fact, in order to possibly win the Option B auction, I have to commit a little deposit in advance. Not so much that if I don’t win, I will be financially ruined, but just enough to make the idea of going out on this limb uncomfortable.
A younger me would go for Option B, without much thought. It’s the more exciting option, and if you lose a little on the way, well…no big deal. But now that I am older, I am thinking…well, is option B really worth the risk of making an investment, even if I end up not being able to visit? Especially, when I could take option A, and maybe not have the same thrills and chills, but it’s still a vacation, and I know I won’t get there and be faced with any major surprises?
Decisions. I hate them.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Scrambled.
That's how I feel today. People who know me might tell you that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. As a result, I can often times come across a little cynical. Defensive even. Over the past say...eight months, I've been working really hard on worrying less about things I have no control over, and using that reclaimed energy to just do more with my life. Work harder and cleaner, stay positive, enjoy my friends and family. Once I realized how much energy it was taking for me to be worried, and even angry, and definitely scared, I started feeling like I was more successful. And so since I haven't spent the last few months worrying about me, little things that might normally get my panties in a bunch have not really made an impact. But I felt today for the first time in a while that something evil this way comes. OK, evil might be a stretch. Maybe a better word would be...heavy. Something that might weigh me down emotionally. I can't quite put my finger on it. But yesterday and today, I have felt a little down. Yesterday I just couldn't quite climb out of a slight dip in my mood. I needed to go to the gym, but I just didn't feel like it. Believe me, this happens a LOT. But yesterday was honestly the first time I didn't go, just because I didn't feel like it. Today I was going over my finances, and that just brought me right back down too. I have good intentions. But managing money just is not a skill that I was born with. For some reason, ever since Christmastime, I have really been struggling to keep things on an even keel. It's not going so well this month. But, there's no where to go from here but up, I suppose. Well, that's not really true, but let's just not go there.
I did go to the gym today, and I had a sinking feeling that Rashaad (The Devil's Proctologist) was going to have something awful up his sleeve for me. But, sometimes life throws you a bone. My prepaid sessions were up, and so I can't schedule again till after my next payment, which is next week. So, instead of cracking the whip on me, he just made a list of exercises he wanted me to do and off I went to do them. While I was waiting for an elliptical machine to open up, I decided to use the recumbent bike to kill time. Better than nothing, right? Let me just say, that after weeks of the elliptical, the recumbent bike was like sissy time. Seriously. I should have known since every person using one was reading a book. When an elliptical finally did open up, I hoped on. The woman next to me was wearing what I can only describe as the Under Armor version of a burka. Now, kudos to her for trying to stay healthy when no one sees her body anyway. BUT. Deodorant is not really optional in the gym. I've been crammed next to some seriously sweaty people over the last 6 weeks, and not one of them made me seriously consider getting off the machine until today. Wow.
At any rate, I finished, and came home to do dishes and make something to eat for tomorrow. Which brings me to my next gripe. (sorry, this post isn't very upbeat...). Brown Rice. WTF? I had been buying those minute rice single serving microwavable cups, but in an effort to reduce the processed food I eat, I bought a bag of rice at the store. Followed the directions on the bag. Checked after 40 minutes, rice is still hard, all water is gone. So, I added more water, cooked for another 20 minutes. It never really got soft...(and yes, I know brown rice has a little more "bite" to it than white rice, but this was HARD). So today I tried again. I am not going to let this whole grain beat me. Today, after 40 minutes, the rice was getting soft, and there was still water in the pan. I let it go another 10 minutes. It didn't seem like it was going to absorb any more water, so I just drained it off. It's OK....but I feel like there is some brown rice mystery that I am not privy to yet. Maybe it's the brand. I bought Goya, because it was cheap. When I buy white rice, I usually buy the Texmati in the little jug thing. Maybe I should try that brand's brown rice. UGH.
Sid (the kitty formerly known as Isla) is going to be spayed tomorrow, and both will be microchipped. Right now my biggest concern about the whole thing is how to fit them both into one cat carrier. This ought to be interesting...
I did go to the gym today, and I had a sinking feeling that Rashaad (The Devil's Proctologist) was going to have something awful up his sleeve for me. But, sometimes life throws you a bone. My prepaid sessions were up, and so I can't schedule again till after my next payment, which is next week. So, instead of cracking the whip on me, he just made a list of exercises he wanted me to do and off I went to do them. While I was waiting for an elliptical machine to open up, I decided to use the recumbent bike to kill time. Better than nothing, right? Let me just say, that after weeks of the elliptical, the recumbent bike was like sissy time. Seriously. I should have known since every person using one was reading a book. When an elliptical finally did open up, I hoped on. The woman next to me was wearing what I can only describe as the Under Armor version of a burka. Now, kudos to her for trying to stay healthy when no one sees her body anyway. BUT. Deodorant is not really optional in the gym. I've been crammed next to some seriously sweaty people over the last 6 weeks, and not one of them made me seriously consider getting off the machine until today. Wow.
At any rate, I finished, and came home to do dishes and make something to eat for tomorrow. Which brings me to my next gripe. (sorry, this post isn't very upbeat...). Brown Rice. WTF? I had been buying those minute rice single serving microwavable cups, but in an effort to reduce the processed food I eat, I bought a bag of rice at the store. Followed the directions on the bag. Checked after 40 minutes, rice is still hard, all water is gone. So, I added more water, cooked for another 20 minutes. It never really got soft...(and yes, I know brown rice has a little more "bite" to it than white rice, but this was HARD). So today I tried again. I am not going to let this whole grain beat me. Today, after 40 minutes, the rice was getting soft, and there was still water in the pan. I let it go another 10 minutes. It didn't seem like it was going to absorb any more water, so I just drained it off. It's OK....but I feel like there is some brown rice mystery that I am not privy to yet. Maybe it's the brand. I bought Goya, because it was cheap. When I buy white rice, I usually buy the Texmati in the little jug thing. Maybe I should try that brand's brown rice. UGH.
Sid (the kitty formerly known as Isla) is going to be spayed tomorrow, and both will be microchipped. Right now my biggest concern about the whole thing is how to fit them both into one cat carrier. This ought to be interesting...
Sunday, March 18, 2012
This N'at
I really do NOT want to clean out my apartment and pack. I am just no good at it. It's hte kind of thing I do better when someone is around to keep me copmany, but it's hte most boring thing in the world for that person. I've been procrastinating in various ways...yesterday I got my hair done, then I went to the store. I came home with the best intentions....but I took a nap, and then decided to go to Montana's for some St. Patty's day fun. While I was there, I was introduced to a guy who is also from Pittsburgh. While it was nice to chat with someone who knows what it means to be from the 'Burgh...that guy could TALK. Jeez. However, he claims that his mother has perfected a chipped ham barbeque recipe despite not having access to Isaly's Chipped Ham. I'm not sure I believe that it can be done.
Today, I went to get my 2010 state taxes done. The move to Gerogia made doing my state taxes really complicated last year, and i just kept putting them off. So now they are done, and I will actually get some money back. Of course, it's less money than it actually cost me to get the taxes done, but it was worth it. So now, I will just do my federal and state for this year and be in good shape. But, after I did that I came home and...took a nap. I don't know what the deal is, but I am so SLEEPY! Sleep as an avoidance mechanism.
Tomorrow begins another week of food and exercise. All this exercise means that I am in the search for some new owrkout clothes. The challenge is: apparently they don't make workout clothes for fat people. SERIOUSLY? I have two pairs of yoga pants, one that I bought when I was ballroom dancing, and one that is older. The ballroom dancing pants are a little snig to be honest. The others are a little loose. I find that my normal t-shirts are heavy. And I'd like to find some shorts. When I wore the shorts that I have...they just aren't for working out. I've basically accepted that the gym is a place where I will never look "cute". And, given what some of the other women who are just as large as I am wear...I really should just focus on what is comfortable. Here's hoping I can find some capri lenth yoga pants and a lighter top that don't make me look like an overstuffed sausage.....
Today, I went to get my 2010 state taxes done. The move to Gerogia made doing my state taxes really complicated last year, and i just kept putting them off. So now they are done, and I will actually get some money back. Of course, it's less money than it actually cost me to get the taxes done, but it was worth it. So now, I will just do my federal and state for this year and be in good shape. But, after I did that I came home and...took a nap. I don't know what the deal is, but I am so SLEEPY! Sleep as an avoidance mechanism.
Tomorrow begins another week of food and exercise. All this exercise means that I am in the search for some new owrkout clothes. The challenge is: apparently they don't make workout clothes for fat people. SERIOUSLY? I have two pairs of yoga pants, one that I bought when I was ballroom dancing, and one that is older. The ballroom dancing pants are a little snig to be honest. The others are a little loose. I find that my normal t-shirts are heavy. And I'd like to find some shorts. When I wore the shorts that I have...they just aren't for working out. I've basically accepted that the gym is a place where I will never look "cute". And, given what some of the other women who are just as large as I am wear...I really should just focus on what is comfortable. Here's hoping I can find some capri lenth yoga pants and a lighter top that don't make me look like an overstuffed sausage.....
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
No More Tears
My life has become an endless list. Running through my mind are the things I need to remember to do to make this workout thing effective. Pack healthy meals and snacks to make sure I eat every few hours. Sounds like it should be easy. Remember to eat a snack about an hour before working out. Eat some lean protein within an hour after working out. Do cardio immediately after strength training. Work off at least 1500 calories per week. increase intensity level of cardio to 7 by the end of March. Sometimes I think being fat and out of shape might be the way to go. Sure, I'll probably keel over from a heart attack at 37 given my family history (dad had heart attack & quad bypass at 39, cardiac arrest at 45. Grandfather on both sides dead of heart attacks, paternal in his 40's, maternal in his 50's), but I'll have enjoyed my time right?
Truth is, no matter how much I HATE working out (and I do HATE it), I wasn't really enjoying my time all that much. Sure, I was eating food that tasted DELICIOUS, watching all my favorite TV shows, sleeping in on Saturdays. So I guess the new schedule, getting home later, and not watching any TV, and setting reminders on my calendar to EAT...it MIGHT be worth it. Ask me in a month.
I was reading another blog today, and she was suggesting that it's important to have a dream...even if it seems completely unlikely. The purpose of the dream is to give you something to reach for. And to let you know when you are starting to get there. I think that is actually pretty wise. If you ask my mom, she might tell you that I often say that when I was little, I had a very difficult time envisioning my life as an adult. I really never quite had a vision for myself past my teens. And even as I have begun LIVING my adult life, I've really been just getting through it. On a journey to....nothing. So I figure, it's about time that I decided what my dreams are. Set some real, adult goals for myself. Some will probably never be realized (like owning a yacht), but some will (like owning a home). I'm pretty excited about this. I'll be sure to keep you updated as I determine what these dreams are.
Off to eat some hard boiled eggs. And chicken. Yum.
Truth is, no matter how much I HATE working out (and I do HATE it), I wasn't really enjoying my time all that much. Sure, I was eating food that tasted DELICIOUS, watching all my favorite TV shows, sleeping in on Saturdays. So I guess the new schedule, getting home later, and not watching any TV, and setting reminders on my calendar to EAT...it MIGHT be worth it. Ask me in a month.
I was reading another blog today, and she was suggesting that it's important to have a dream...even if it seems completely unlikely. The purpose of the dream is to give you something to reach for. And to let you know when you are starting to get there. I think that is actually pretty wise. If you ask my mom, she might tell you that I often say that when I was little, I had a very difficult time envisioning my life as an adult. I really never quite had a vision for myself past my teens. And even as I have begun LIVING my adult life, I've really been just getting through it. On a journey to....nothing. So I figure, it's about time that I decided what my dreams are. Set some real, adult goals for myself. Some will probably never be realized (like owning a yacht), but some will (like owning a home). I'm pretty excited about this. I'll be sure to keep you updated as I determine what these dreams are.
Off to eat some hard boiled eggs. And chicken. Yum.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Phase One: Just the Beginning
So as it turns out, the first month has all really only been Phase One. Preparation. Gathering Underpants, in the words of South Park. Today was weigh in day. I have lost about 3 pounds. The catch is, my body fat percentage actually went UP. Seriously? As it turns out, exercising is good, but I am eating all wrong. Not just WHAT I eat, but how and when I eat it. I need to up the lean protein after my workouts, and limit sodium all around. And of course, up the frequency and intensity of the workouts. Great. But I Am. Not. Giving. Up. Yet.
My goals for the next month are to lose four pounds, and go 1% lower body fat than when I started. I also have to aim to work off at LEAST 1500 calories per week. I am just over 1,100 for the week, so tomorrow I have to do at least 400. The good news is that I actually did 3 miles today, 2 of which averaged 13 minutes. Yay me!
Overall, I'm still in good spirits, because even if the numbers don't show it yet, I must be healthier than a month ago. And this will all come. So now I have to work on reducing/eliminating processed foods, and preparing fresh meals. And eating several small meals throughout the day. All the while, working, finding an apartment, packing....no sweat.
Bring it.
My goals for the next month are to lose four pounds, and go 1% lower body fat than when I started. I also have to aim to work off at LEAST 1500 calories per week. I am just over 1,100 for the week, so tomorrow I have to do at least 400. The good news is that I actually did 3 miles today, 2 of which averaged 13 minutes. Yay me!
Overall, I'm still in good spirits, because even if the numbers don't show it yet, I must be healthier than a month ago. And this will all come. So now I have to work on reducing/eliminating processed foods, and preparing fresh meals. And eating several small meals throughout the day. All the while, working, finding an apartment, packing....no sweat.
Bring it.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I'm Such a Girl
So little did I know when I posted yesterday about experiencing life, that today I would get bitchslapped with the girl stick. Warning: this post will contain profanity. Today I experienced the SHIT out of my life. I'm so not a girly girl. I don't do frills, or floral stuff, or lacy things. I'm not one to spend hours on my hair and make up. I mostly wear pants. I am not "delicate". Even before I got fat, I wasn't "delicate". I was always a big bones, taller, thicker kind of woman. Solid. And that's fine. I'm also not usually super emotional. I will cry when things are sad, and I do get angry, but I'm never wimpy. At least I don't consider myself to be wimpy.
Today I was a wimpy punk-ass bitch. I should have seen it coming. I mean, all day Friday I had that 15 year old girl feeling going on. All weekend I was a little wistful and reminiscent. I was even kind of optimistic and hopeful for a few hours (totally unfamiliar territory for me). But overall, these things kept me in a good mood. Actually, almost a very good mood. I was actually at work today at 7:53. In the MORNING. That is a HUGE deal..I went to the gym yesterday after work, and I was thinking, "Man. This actually feels kinda...good!" It's getting a little easier! Maybe I should step up the intensity on the elliptical." Then today....still pretty good. Got some important things done at work, maybe not quite as optimistic and hopeful as the weekend, but still..doing good. Then I left work and went to meet with my trainer Rashaad, who will from this day forth be known as The Devil's Proctologist.
TDP as we will call him to save time, greeted me with a sandwich in hand. Asked if I'd warmed up. I lied and said sort of. He made me go upstairs ans run for 5 minutes. Ok, not terrible. Come back down, thinking we are ready for some weight machines. Only, wait....he is walking PAST the machines and heading for the stretching room. This is Not. Good. James had me in there once and it ended badly. I tell TDP this. He grins like a maniac. We enter the chamber of horror. First things first, he says. High step jogging in place for 30 seconds, then butt-kick jogging in place for 30 seconds. Guys, you may want to cover your ears for this part. Ladies...some of you can sympathize with me here. I am not exactly dainty in the chest area. While 30 seconds is NOT a long time, and I was wearing a sports bra, things were getting ugly. I'm pretty sure TDP's goal today was to break me down. And it took awhile, I'm proud to say. I made it through one set of girly push-ups, one set of lunges, one set of squats and one set of what I like to call "parachute moves". Then he gave me the maniacal grin again and said the two words he knew would crush my spirit. Plank. Hold. After that it's mostly a blur, mostly because I FREAKIN CRIED. Not only did I have a tear or two, I was like full-on, girly, tears, hyperventilating CRYING. But damn it if I didn't finish EVERY set of EVERY exercise he threw at me. True, I had to pause a few times to take a minute to try and calm down so I could breathe. But I did it. He was clearly embarrassed, and tried to explain that his role was to push me, blah, blah blah, to which I replied "I hate your freakin guts".
Thursday I will get my one month measurements. He was already prepping me in case I don't quite make what I thought I would, but you know what? Even if I didn't lose a single pound...even if I didn't lose a single inch...I am sleeping better at night, I am in a better mood during the day, and my heart HAS to be healthier than it was 30 days ago. So I will take what I can get.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go bawl into a bowl of ice cream and then take a shower.
Today I was a wimpy punk-ass bitch. I should have seen it coming. I mean, all day Friday I had that 15 year old girl feeling going on. All weekend I was a little wistful and reminiscent. I was even kind of optimistic and hopeful for a few hours (totally unfamiliar territory for me). But overall, these things kept me in a good mood. Actually, almost a very good mood. I was actually at work today at 7:53. In the MORNING. That is a HUGE deal..I went to the gym yesterday after work, and I was thinking, "Man. This actually feels kinda...good!" It's getting a little easier! Maybe I should step up the intensity on the elliptical." Then today....still pretty good. Got some important things done at work, maybe not quite as optimistic and hopeful as the weekend, but still..doing good. Then I left work and went to meet with my trainer Rashaad, who will from this day forth be known as The Devil's Proctologist.
TDP as we will call him to save time, greeted me with a sandwich in hand. Asked if I'd warmed up. I lied and said sort of. He made me go upstairs ans run for 5 minutes. Ok, not terrible. Come back down, thinking we are ready for some weight machines. Only, wait....he is walking PAST the machines and heading for the stretching room. This is Not. Good. James had me in there once and it ended badly. I tell TDP this. He grins like a maniac. We enter the chamber of horror. First things first, he says. High step jogging in place for 30 seconds, then butt-kick jogging in place for 30 seconds. Guys, you may want to cover your ears for this part. Ladies...some of you can sympathize with me here. I am not exactly dainty in the chest area. While 30 seconds is NOT a long time, and I was wearing a sports bra, things were getting ugly. I'm pretty sure TDP's goal today was to break me down. And it took awhile, I'm proud to say. I made it through one set of girly push-ups, one set of lunges, one set of squats and one set of what I like to call "parachute moves". Then he gave me the maniacal grin again and said the two words he knew would crush my spirit. Plank. Hold. After that it's mostly a blur, mostly because I FREAKIN CRIED. Not only did I have a tear or two, I was like full-on, girly, tears, hyperventilating CRYING. But damn it if I didn't finish EVERY set of EVERY exercise he threw at me. True, I had to pause a few times to take a minute to try and calm down so I could breathe. But I did it. He was clearly embarrassed, and tried to explain that his role was to push me, blah, blah blah, to which I replied "I hate your freakin guts".
Thursday I will get my one month measurements. He was already prepping me in case I don't quite make what I thought I would, but you know what? Even if I didn't lose a single pound...even if I didn't lose a single inch...I am sleeping better at night, I am in a better mood during the day, and my heart HAS to be healthier than it was 30 days ago. So I will take what I can get.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go bawl into a bowl of ice cream and then take a shower.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Finding a Moment
Yeah, I used to keep a blog way back in the "MySpace" days, and I updated it much more often. Partly because I hated my job and I was looking for something, ANYTHING to do that didn't involve cold calling. But maybe partly because I was more interesting then? Nah. Impossible.
Not a whole lot of news on the whole new me front...I had big plans to clean out my closet this weekend, but that got pushed aside when I learned that the apartment complex I was planning to move into is apparently a crack den. Seething with undesirables. At least, that's the face my ex-boss made when I told him about my plan. Direct quote: "If you were my daughter, I would not be comfortable with you living there". Well that is just fan-freaking-tastic. I have around 15 days to decide if I am staying in this apartment or not, and all signs point to no. They want to raise my rent by $50, plus add in a $25 trash collection fee. Add that to my current rent and my monthly water bill, and I should be learning how to work a pole.
Since operation Clean Up My Credit has only just begun, the best thing seems to be downsizing to a 1 bedroom (since none of you a-holes ever visit me anyway) and staying in the posh part of town. Making the next 12 months all about credit rehab, and then in a year, buy something. On one hand it sucks because real estate is dirt cheap down here right now. And who knows in a year. On the other, if I work at it for 12 months, my credit score would punch your credit score right in the mouth. I'm spoiling for a fight so....bring it.
There might be something to this whole exercise thing, and maybe even more to the no pop (soda!) thing. I gave up pop for Lent...I thought it would be hard. It really isn't EXCEPT that I live in the south, so when you order tea instead of pop it is loaded with SUGAR. Since I only drink diet pop now, I may run into a small challenge with not gaining any weight. But since I am already working out, hopefully I can keep it at bay by drinking mostly water and the occasional juice or tea. Baby steps...
Friday was a weird day for me. I felt just like I used to feel in high school...sort of..anticipatory. Is that a word? It is now. I think it might just be a flash of self confidence reigniting itself. I don't want to speak too soon, but it was kind of a good feeling. I was nostalgic without being morose. And since death was imminent in the form of a gazillion tornadoes (sorry if I offend, but it barely even got windy in my neighborhood) and since I had canceled my cable that very day, I spent some time in the old way-back machine. (Name that TV show!)
I remembered my first "real" job at Equitable gas and how my favorite thing to wear was a black skirt, a lime green blouse, black pantyhose, and black pumps. I felt like a million bucks in that outfit. I also had a blouse I bought at Brooks Brothers that I loved. I think I still have that one somewhere. I remembered driving up to Ghostriders to line dance with Dana...such fun we had! I remembered how the summer before my sophomore year in high school, I had permed hair, and I loved cut off jeans and tie-dye. I was such a wannabe hippie. For a few months. I remembered stalking a guy I had a crush on through the halls of my high school...walking down one hall and all the way through the rotunda, even though I never had a single class in the rotunda. But HE did. I remembered driving down Route 8 with my college boyfriend...we had the top down, and the air was cool but it felt good and fresh. There were star out and the moon was bright. We weren't really going anywhere...just driving. I remember listening to a demo tape that some guys I knew had made. There were three songs on that tape, and I listened to it for 10 days straight while I was in Europe. Confession: I still have that Chasing Autumn tape in my stereo. Right now.
I have so many GOOD memories. I feel fortunate for that. My family wasn't rich, but I never felt poor. My group of friends was small, but I never felt alone. I wasn't the most popular, or the most talented, or the prettiest, or the smartest, but I felt special. And that is what has been missing from my life for the past few years. I stopped feeling like I was someone special. Nothing changed in my life...my friends are still my friends, my family is still my family. In many ways I have proven t be a much stronger person that I was then. But I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I was so busy "getting through" life, that I wasn't living my life.
So...in addition to my goals for the week of cleaning out my closet, finding a place to live, and working out at least three more times, I vow to experience my own life. Even if it is just one fleeting moment, I want to make a new memory.
Not a whole lot of news on the whole new me front...I had big plans to clean out my closet this weekend, but that got pushed aside when I learned that the apartment complex I was planning to move into is apparently a crack den. Seething with undesirables. At least, that's the face my ex-boss made when I told him about my plan. Direct quote: "If you were my daughter, I would not be comfortable with you living there". Well that is just fan-freaking-tastic. I have around 15 days to decide if I am staying in this apartment or not, and all signs point to no. They want to raise my rent by $50, plus add in a $25 trash collection fee. Add that to my current rent and my monthly water bill, and I should be learning how to work a pole.
Since operation Clean Up My Credit has only just begun, the best thing seems to be downsizing to a 1 bedroom (since none of you a-holes ever visit me anyway) and staying in the posh part of town. Making the next 12 months all about credit rehab, and then in a year, buy something. On one hand it sucks because real estate is dirt cheap down here right now. And who knows in a year. On the other, if I work at it for 12 months, my credit score would punch your credit score right in the mouth. I'm spoiling for a fight so....bring it.
There might be something to this whole exercise thing, and maybe even more to the no pop (soda!) thing. I gave up pop for Lent...I thought it would be hard. It really isn't EXCEPT that I live in the south, so when you order tea instead of pop it is loaded with SUGAR. Since I only drink diet pop now, I may run into a small challenge with not gaining any weight. But since I am already working out, hopefully I can keep it at bay by drinking mostly water and the occasional juice or tea. Baby steps...
Friday was a weird day for me. I felt just like I used to feel in high school...sort of..anticipatory. Is that a word? It is now. I think it might just be a flash of self confidence reigniting itself. I don't want to speak too soon, but it was kind of a good feeling. I was nostalgic without being morose. And since death was imminent in the form of a gazillion tornadoes (sorry if I offend, but it barely even got windy in my neighborhood) and since I had canceled my cable that very day, I spent some time in the old way-back machine. (Name that TV show!)
I remembered my first "real" job at Equitable gas and how my favorite thing to wear was a black skirt, a lime green blouse, black pantyhose, and black pumps. I felt like a million bucks in that outfit. I also had a blouse I bought at Brooks Brothers that I loved. I think I still have that one somewhere. I remembered driving up to Ghostriders to line dance with Dana...such fun we had! I remembered how the summer before my sophomore year in high school, I had permed hair, and I loved cut off jeans and tie-dye. I was such a wannabe hippie. For a few months. I remembered stalking a guy I had a crush on through the halls of my high school...walking down one hall and all the way through the rotunda, even though I never had a single class in the rotunda. But HE did. I remembered driving down Route 8 with my college boyfriend...we had the top down, and the air was cool but it felt good and fresh. There were star out and the moon was bright. We weren't really going anywhere...just driving. I remember listening to a demo tape that some guys I knew had made. There were three songs on that tape, and I listened to it for 10 days straight while I was in Europe. Confession: I still have that Chasing Autumn tape in my stereo. Right now.
I have so many GOOD memories. I feel fortunate for that. My family wasn't rich, but I never felt poor. My group of friends was small, but I never felt alone. I wasn't the most popular, or the most talented, or the prettiest, or the smartest, but I felt special. And that is what has been missing from my life for the past few years. I stopped feeling like I was someone special. Nothing changed in my life...my friends are still my friends, my family is still my family. In many ways I have proven t be a much stronger person that I was then. But I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I was so busy "getting through" life, that I wasn't living my life.
So...in addition to my goals for the week of cleaning out my closet, finding a place to live, and working out at least three more times, I vow to experience my own life. Even if it is just one fleeting moment, I want to make a new memory.
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