Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Well...that amazing packing experience I had going to PGH for Thanksgiving?  It won't be repeating itself for Christmas.  With all the recent car/work drama, I went in to full on regression back to old Sara.  The good news is that it won't take as long to bounce back this time...the bad news is that I am leaving on Friday (and perhaps even Wednesday afternoon, depending on circumstances) which leaves only a few nights to "redd up".

I'm not going to spend a ton of time beating myself up about it though.  Facing large car repair bills and having to make a decision about how to handle that is really one of the first major financial decisions that was TOTALLY up to me.  Last time I bought a car, I had to do it, because the sunroof on the Saturn was leaking to the point that I was driving with an umbrella when it rained.  It had to happen.  This time...not so cut and dry.  I'm proud of the decision I made though, and although my coworkers may say differently (they had to listen to me go back and forth and back again), I think I handled it pretty well.

Even with that, and the fantastic work stress I've been trying to get out from under, I still managed to loose a few more pounds, actually achieving my first mini-goal of losing 5% of my starting weight.  When I add this to the total weight I've lost in the past two years, I'm at 30 pounds.  It seems like a lot, but for the most part, it has happened so slowly that sometimes it is hard for me to recognize.  Just to keep the motivation in place, I did some digging and came up with this picture from the fall of 2011:

I can't say for sure exactly what my weight was there, but I'm pretty certain it was right about the time I was at my heaviest point ever.  After I found that little gem, I tried to remember the last time I was at my current weight.  I can't be totally sure, but according to some papers I have in a file, it would have been somewhere around 2003-2004.  I hate to have my picture taken as a rule, but I think I should really make it a point to get a good one soon to mark some progress.  This is one of the more recent ones, taken in October (but I'm a good 10 pounds lighter now than I was in this picture):

Even looking at the pictures, I still don't see a ton of difference, and I have a long long way to go, but it's something.  I'm not naive enough to think that I will get high school skinny again (and I thought I was fat in high school!  ugh, what a waste) but I'd like to get 20's skinny.  I'm shooting for this, circa 2000:

Again, can't be too sure, but if I had to guess, I'd say I'm about 45 pounds away.  This is one of the last pictures I can easily find of me in clothes I bought at a "regular" store (that was one of the last shirts I ever bought from Express, and again, not 100% sure, but the pants were probably from Gap.  I know, scary that I remember that, but couldn't tell you what I wore to work last week.)

Anyway, not fishing for compliments or anything like that.  It just helps me to see what's ahead of me and behind me on this journey.  Dude, I just called losing a weight a journey.  I hate me right now.  I just ventured into Julie and Julia or Eat, Pray, Love territory.  Oh how I loathe both of those books....

So that's all for now.  I'm just about to start re-reading my Jackie inspiration guidebook, "What Would Jackie Do?" so it's possible there may be more frequent posting after the new year.  At least, that's one of my goals....go team!

Over The River...

I just had a fantastic experience.  I packed for my trip home to Pittsburgh in less than an hour.  And that included dishes, dishwasher, laundry, cat stuff, litter boxes, and actual packing.  THIS NEVER HAPPENS.  Recently though I've been trying much harder to be good to myself by keeping up with the house.  Turns out, it actually works.  I was able to come home and eat dinner without feeling like I was procrastinating.  I only had to do one load of laundry (jeans).  I unloaded the dishwasher and put the few dirty dishes that i had in.  I emptied the litter boxes and took out the trash.  I packed my suitcase, and cleaned out my backpack and purse.  In less than an hour.  In my previous state, this packing would have been an epic chore.  I'd have had to do three or more loads of laundry.  I'd have had to do a mountain of dishes, or worse, just leave dirty dishes in the sink.  The living room would look like I'd been robbed for the cat sitter.  I'd be up until all hours finishing all this stuff.  But for the first time in recent memory, I was able to breeze through this.  It feels AMAZING.

It just goes to prove that your surroundings truly do affect your mental state.  I'm really proud of myself, and this is just what I needed to prove that I am making good decisions in my life....

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

An Open Letter To My House

Dear House,

We’ve had some good times; we’ve had some not so good times.  In the beginning, I think we both tried really hard to get along.  I did my best to move my stuff into the space you were providing.  You appeared comfortable and clean.  It didn’t take long for things to break down on my end.  I quickly ran out of rooms, and left several boxes unpacked in the dining room.  It stayed that way for months.  I finally tried to unload those last few boxes, but I fear by then, the damage was done.

You see, in the time that I left the boxes unpacked, I started to see things I hadn’t seen before, when we were just talking about coming together.  Your kitchen is very small.  So small I can’t fit a microwave in it.  Your living room is dark.  I know, I know…you are saying, “But I have that fantastic sunroom!”  This is true…there is the sunroom.  But let’s be honest.  The French doors into the sunroom are really taking up more space than they are worth.  Eventually I gave up.  I admit it.   I’m the one who gave up on our relationship.  I let things get out of hand, and how could you be responsible?  Papers in piles everywhere, shoes in every room…let’s not even discuss the infrequency of my vacuuming. 

Over time, I’ve made halfhearted attempts to pick things up again and regain your trust.  It hasn’t been enough.  I realize now that we are in this together.  We have a committed relationship, you and I.  At least until May 21^st, 2014.  And with that in mind, I am going to make the following vows to you, so that we can both be proud to be seen in public together again.

 

1.       I resolve to finally clean out the sunroom.  I will get rid of the papers I don’t need, organize the ones I do, and make the rest of that space a fun place to read or knit, or whatever.  I WILL THROW THINGS AWAY.

2.       I will pay more attention to the closet in the front hall.  While I have my doubts about throwing away the box the TV came in, I’ve been counseled against keeping it.  I do feel the need to keep the Christmas tree and its box, although I will agree to search for a better storage solution for that.  Perhaps a nice shoe rack in there would make you smile?

3.       The living room…well, I’m afraid the living room is a bit of a challenge at the moment.  I will do a better job of exposing the furnishings and keeping them free of dust and cat hair, but there’s not much I can do about the general condition of the couch at this time.  It will continue to be a saggy, dingy mess.  At least for a while.

4.       You know as well as I do what comes next.  I think this is one of our biggest areas of conflict.  The kitchen.  I promise to stop complaining about how small it is (I should love you for you, right?) and make better use of the space you do offer me.  This will involve things like running the dishwasher nearly every day, wiping down the counters, and organizing the cabinets so that everything fits neatly inside.  I’ll go back to keeping the cat dishes in the dining room, to make more space.  I will commit to emptying the trash every other day, or every third day at most. 

5.       Let’s talk about the bedroom.  I know you want a headboard.  I know you do, and I’d love to give that to you.  But for now please understand, it can’t happen.  To try to make up for that, I promise to make the bed every day and even put the big fluffy pillows up there.  When I do that, it gives the allusion of a headboard.  That’s compromise, right?  Whatever is in the Rubbermaid bins will be donated or tossed.  I hear you when you say if I haven’t needed it yet, I’m not going to need it.  In place of the bins, I will substitute hampers, which I will utilize, daily.  Laundry will not be allowed to take over.  I will control it.  I know it’s my responsibility, as I wanted the clothes, not you.  It’s not fair for you to suffer as a result.

6.       The last room, the bathroom, hasn’t really been a major problem for us.  I could do a better job of wiping down the mirror now and then, and I can definitely clean out the drawers.  Our main issue is that laundry sneaks out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.  This must stop.

Please understand that I want us to be successful.  Things didn’t go bad overnight, and they won’t magically get better overnight.  But I am making the commitment now, here in front of God and everyone, to do better.  You deserve it, and so do I.

Your roomie-

Sara

And it goes like "Hey....."

So I'm several weeks into being 35, and so far, I'm not impressed.  In fact, I am so unimpressed, I have already completely forgotten it even happened.  Thirty three was just an OK year, 34 pretty much sucked in every way possible...so I really had huge hopes for 35.  Maybe I need to lower my standards.  Or maybe I just need a plan.  Apparently awesome lives don't just...happen, which if you ask me is total bull shit since I don't remember anyone telling me when I was a kid that having a happy successful life was completely dependant on a plan of action and how I conducted myself....hang on, phone is ringing.  (Insert teacher noises from Peanuts here).  That was my mom calling to quote that wall hanging she bought me as a kid again.  Words that are permanently etched into my brain, but apparently I've never truly LISTENED to them. "Be the labor, great or small, do it well, or not at all."  I'm pretty sure my mom's intent was for this to encourage me to do my very best at any task I undertook.  In typical Hunter fashion, that backfired almost IMMEDIATELY.  I honed in directly on the "not at all" portion of that statement, and here I stand today, as an adult who has ZERO ways to motivate herself.

My head is swimming with cliches about life and getting things done, and the like.  "Money can't buy happiness" "You reap what you sow"  "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up"  "the early bird catches the worm" "If you don't know where to start, just pick a spot and dive in"

OK, I may have made that last one up...but maybe not.  There are certain life skills that I struggle with continuously.  And these are not major life skills like learning to change my own oil, or tiling my back splash.  (I don't even have a back splash.)  These are basic every day life skills that someone....completely and totally overwhelm me.  Putting dirty clothes in a hamper.  Putting clean clothes away in the dresser/closet.  Doing dishes right away.  Getting my mail.  Sorting my mail as soon as I bring it in to the house.  Vacuuming more than once a month.

The truth is...this is embarrassing to me.  I let it get to a point that is completely out of hand, then I'm overwhelmed by the thought of even making a dent.  When I do find the energy and motivation to actually dig in, often times I'm so far behind in so many areas, I can hardly see the difference.

I do believe that most of my sloth is a direct result of clinical depression.  Traditionally, I've always been more of an anxious person than a depressive one.  Lately that has changed and I do NOT like it.  At all.  Real life is making me want to completely shut down.  I'm at the point now where I only grocery shop when I'm out of cat food or toilet paper, I only do laundry when I'm out of clean underwear and/or jeans, and I only run the dishwasher when all the glasses in the house are dirty.  I haven't vacuumed in I can't tell you how long.  I have a box of papers that need to be filed on the chair in my living room.  I am currently sitting on my bed, looking at a laundry basket of clothes that USED to be clean, (but now are all wrinkled and messy so I will have to re wash), My suitcase (which I haven't completely unpacked from my vacation last month), random clean and dirty clothes on the floor, three empty glasses on my dresser, and empty Pepsi can, and a wastebasket full of Kleenex, since allergy season never dies in Atlanta.  My bed is made, which is a new thing in the past few months....but I mean seriously.

I should be mortified to put this out there and admit that this is my life right now.  And I am mortified.  I'm ashamed.  I'm embarrassed that this is how it is.  But hiding from it has not made it any better, so maybe putting it out there will spark a change.

There are so many things that I want in my life.  I want to be a neat organized person who never panics when  friend might drop by.  I want to be on time to things.  I want to be more committed to my diet and exercise.  I want to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed.  I want to come home after work and smile when I walk into my house.  But I must not REALLY want these things, or I would do them, right?  The only way I can describe it is this:  I'm standing at the edge of my own life, as I want it to be.  As it SHOULD be.  I can see it clearly.  However, when I take a step forward to enter it, I walk in to a clear pane of glass that is preventing me from getting there.  I need to smash that glass.  I need to figure out how to make that glass wall that is holding me back crumble.

Anybody have a hammer?

I haven't found mine yet...but I think the key lies in making a chart of all the things I need to do, combined with all the things I want to do.  Then breaking those things down into a schedule and adding in more and more a little at a time might just be the secret weapon....  

Defining the Word "Manager"

man·ag·er [man-i-jer]

noun

1.a person who has control or direction of an institution, business, etc., or of a part, division, or phaseof it.

2.a person who manages: the manager of our track team.

3.a person who controls and manipulates resources and expenditures, as of a household.

I’ve been struggling a little at work the past two weeks.  I’ve got a new client, and for the most part, I’m learning to love my job again.  I’m more engaged and organized than I have been in a long time.  That said, the past few weeks a number of smaller internal jams that have just been irritating, like a splinter under my skin.

My initial reaction to all of these separate incidents was anger, and annoyance, and resentment when ultimately the “blame” or maybe more accurately the final responsibility, always ended square in my lap, even when I had placed my trust in my coworkers to do their jobs without me hounding them, or hanging on their shoulder.

I’ve been fuming, and really jacked that even when other people fail to complete their tasks, I am being held accountable and they are not.  I was feeling like I shouldn’t have to be chasing down my own people.  It’s one thing to have to herd clients, in my mind, that’s my primary duty.  Herd (read: guide) clients through the process.  What I have since realized in what can only be described as a major moment of clarity, is that my job title is “Account Manager”.  My focus has always primarily been on the “account” portion of that title.  I’ve never given a single thought to the “manager” portion.  But now, here, in this moment, I realized….if I am MANAGING the account, then my job really is herding my own people.  My job, as manager of what happens on this account, is to MANAGE all the people that touch it.  Internal AND external. 

So: what does this mean in terms of my life?  Well, obviously, Rome wasn’t built in a day.  But something fundamental in my outlook has changed.  I’ve always been a team player…a don’t rock the boat, toe the company line kinda girl.  When I look around at the people that I consider being truly good at what they do here…they might not be everyone’s favorite coworker.  But that is because they chase down their stuff.  They MANAGE their projects, and the people that touch them. 

I’m making a checklist.  I currently have a project related checklist…things like estimate the costs.  Update budgets.  Submit forms on such-and-such date.  My new checklist is full of the things I never thought were “my job”.  Follow up on requests that are taking longer than usual.  Ask to see contents being packed in a box before it gets shipped.  And if that makes me a little less beloved, well….sorry.  I’m tired of having my butt on the hot seat. 

  

The WHY Factor.

Rashaad and I had a heart to heart this morning….it was measurement day.  This weight loss/fitness journey has been filled with ups and downs.  It’s been one year since I joined the gym, and signed up for personal training.  If you had asked me then why I did it, and if you asked me now, I would not have an answer for you.  I really don’t know what propelled me into the gym in the first place.  Then, I lost a few pounds and began to think that maybe I could be successful at this.  A few months went by.  At the end of the summer, I was kicked in the gut by circumstance, and it made me angry.  Not just angry, but infuriated.  And I used the fury as a motivator.  Fury, and revenge.  I upped the training session to two times a week, and since I was emotionally jacked up anyway, I was eating way less.  That showed big results.  Then come the holidays.  I promised myself I wouldn’t slack, but I did.  It’s been really hard getting back into the swing after the holidays…I’ve gained a few pounds/inches back, and I’ve lost the edge I got from being completely pissed at circumstance.  Rashaad said I need to find the reason why I want to do this.  I have to remind myself WHY.  Then I can set small goals.

The trouble is, I’m a complete mess.  Something inside me is broken.  Or maybe it just never existed.  Discipline.  I does NOT haz it.  My house is a mess.  My car is a mess.  My emotions are a mess.  My finances are a mess.  Until very recently, work was a mess.  I really don’t know what it feels like to be driven, even driven to small responsibilities, like running the dishwasher, or putting away laundry.  Do I really not have these skills, or are the beaten down by depression?  Can I learn them?  Are they teachable?  It’s all very overwhelming.  I know I sleep entirely too much.  But what’s to stop me?  I need to break the cycle, and take control of my life, one piece at a time.  Rationally, I know this.  It’s the implementation that I can never get to. 

“They” say you can’t find happiness until you truly love/accept yourself.  Right now, there is very little I find likeable about me.  I really believe that this is true, and it makes me even more sad, because I can’t figure out how to get there.  It’s like I can see the path, right in front of me.  I know exactly what steps I need to take to accomplish an orderly life.  Every now and then I take off down the path, and then I right face first into this invisible wall that blocks the path, and give up.  Over and over and over again. 

I need to figure out how to get past the wall.  Until then, I don’t know WHY I am going to the gym.  I don’t know WHY I leave trash in my car.  I don’t know WHY there are dirty dishes in my sink.  I don’t know WHY I live paycheck to paycheck.  I want to stop doing these things…I just don’t know how.    

In My Next Life, I Want to be Lena Dunham.

Is that too much to ask?  Here's the rub...many of the succesful women I want to be are like 10 years younger than me.  So I am WAY behind the curve. 

I think figuring out what you want from life might be the hardest part of adulthood.  All those years growing up, people tell you that you can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it.  One of the reasons I should probably never have kids is that secretly, I don't think that is true.  I can't imagine trying to tell my kid that the sky is the limit if I hear them singing and they suck.

One of my biggest fears is that by the time I figure out what it is that I REALLY want to do, it will be too late.  I love history...do I want to go back to school and study history like I originally intended?  Become an archivist, or a preservationist?  Or do I want to travel?  Do I want to get married?  Give up my worldly posessions and move to the beach and tend bar?  I don't know.  Write a book?  Play music?  Cook?  My head is swimming.

The other thing that is so disturbing about this is that when I look around at my friends, I'm not sure that most of them have figured it out either.  What are we waiting for?

What. Are. We. Waiting. For.

Week 1: The Year in Review (Thus far...)

I'm making resolutions.  I typically do, and I never follow though with them, but I'm making different types of resolutions this year.  I'm hoping that these more insightful, broad-stroke resolutions are not only more achievable, but more inspiring than my typical ones.  Being that "This is the Year". the year of the Unicorn no less, I am really focused on making good decisions, and positive life changes.

Challenge Number One:  Getting (and staying) Fit. 
I started this last year, actually without a whole lot of thought.  I just one day decided to join the gym.  And then I had a free training session, and felt so bad after it was over, I realized I had no choice.  Last year, I lost about 25 pounds (30, but gained five back during the Holidays...) without doing really anything different EXCEPT working out.  I didn't change the way I eat at all, and I really didn't even break my back with the workouts either.  Once or twice a week with the trainer, and most of the time, that was it.  If we're being honest, I probably drank more beer last year than I ever have in my life.  So, it should be easy to kick that up a level.  Smarter decisions about what I eat (so long, Papa John's pizza night), a few extra workouts a week (hello, showering at the gym every morning *yuk*) and I should be able to reach my overall weight loss goal this year for sure.  When I do, no one can take that away from me but me.

Challenge Number Two: Money Management
I wanted to do this last year, and I made some changes in order to do so, but I really need to kick this into high gear.  Setting and keeping a budget, saving as much as possible, cleaning up my credit report are essential, because I want to own my own place.  Nothing would make me more proud than to be able to say I bought my own house, with no help from anyone else.  This will require DAILY attention to the little details, and serious discipline for me.  Maybe even a harder task than the getting and staying fit challenge.  I'm going to try though.

Challenge Number Three: Focus and Dedication (at work and at home)
I tend to get lazy.  Very lazy, very easily.  I have a new client, so fresh focus and dedication along with excitement in general will bring zest back into my work life.  I need to create a laser like focus to make sure I am at my best.  At home, I let things slide...dishes in the sink, laundry in the hamper...clutter on the dining room table.  This can no longer continue.

If there is something that I learned last year, it's that relying on someone else to provide you with your happiness.  Taking care of your body, your financial life, your space, is not only rewarding, and it build character.  Would I love to have a wealthy man in my life, so I could have a nicer house, a nicer car, an easier time paying bills?  Sure. The truth though is that having someone else supply those things for you takes away your self confidence.  I want to be able to say "I lost the weight."  "I bought this house."  "I aced that event."  Maybe not everyone needs that validation, to know they can do it by themselves.  Maybe some people get validation from other people.  I'm not going to judge.  I just know that for me, I'd rather know that if everything went to shit, and I were left all alone in this world, I could survive, and even thrive.