Putting on The Brakes

In my younger days, holding a grudge was kind of my specialty.  As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that it often times just takes way to much energy.  That said…I would argue that there is a big difference between letting go of an issue that’s been resolved, and just plain pretending something never happened, especially if the issue is not resolved. 

My mom is really able to bounce back….if we have a minor disagreement, she is perfectly able to talk to me a few hours later as if it never even happened.  The key word in that sentence was “minor” in case you missed it. 

I also think that I am fairly laid back.  I don’t let much upset me, and I’m not easily offended or hurt. So when something DOES upset me or hurt my feelings, I very rarely even say anything.  Usually my facial expressions betray me, but I’ve even got a better hand on that in my old age.  If I actually admit out loud to someone that I am angry at them, or upset, or my feelings are hurt, it’s a pretty big deal.  Which is why I am so astounded that people can just pretend that entire conversations never happened, without any resolution at all. 

If I finally gather the strength to say to someone…I’m not going to pretend like this doesn’t hurt my feelings anymore.  I feel like you do not make this issue in our friendship a priority, and that not only hurts my feelings, but it makes me think you really have no idea how selfish you can be….how can that person just wait a while, and then try to carry on a conversation with that just hanging out there?!?!  That hurts almost as much as the whole thing did in the first place, because it tells me that the person STILL doesn’t understand that this is serious to me, and they’ve moved on. 

Well you know what?  That’s just not good enough.  I deserve more than that.  I deserve a sincere apology, and it wouldn’t hurt for that person to acknowledge that they have gone out of their way in the past for other “less important” friends, all the while just assuming I would handle being snubbed because we are so “close”.  I’m putting it out there, mostly so it’s not lodged in my chest like a 13 pound bowling ball.  My feelings are hurt.  The “reasons” and “explanations” no longer hold water.   I can provide specific examples if that’s what it takes.  I don’t typically “keep score” but this has been going on for so long, I have examples.  Plural.

I feel better for having written this down.  If you are reading this and thinking that maybe you owe a friend an apology, or a phone call, or a visit….let this be the kick in the pants you need to pony up.  Friendship is a two way street…if you’ve been on cruise control for a while, maybe it’s time to kick it into drive.

Even If It Breaks Your Heart.

About two months ago, I looked up from my life, on a day that was no different than any other and realized (much like when you are 15) that I had a crush on someone.  A total school girl, change-the-route-you-take-to-chemistry-class crush.  I can’t even tell you the last time that happened to me.  It was so out of the blue, and EXACTLY like high school, it knocked me off my feet.

I spent about a month obsessing over it.  I spent about a week trying to do something about it.  Then I spent a day…let’s call it “gathering information” (sounds less psycho that internet stalking).  I spend about 10 minutes determining there was too much potential drama involved for it to be worth it.

I spent the next week or so getting the butterflies any time I might happen to cross paths (which happened a little less frequently after I stopped “accidentally” running in to him), but all the while reminding myself of the myriad of reasons I should avoid it.  And I got to about 80% over it.

Then, yesterday, I looked up from my otherwise normal day, and realized (much like when I was 15) I still had this impossible crush!!!  I just can’t shake it.  I know it’s bad for me.  I know there’s probably nothing there anyway.  I just can NOT let it go!  I don’t WANT to let it go.  I melt!  What’s a girl to do?

Hello Old Friend

Wow.  That Eric Clapton song just came to me from WAY back in the memory banks.  Shades of my senior slide show....note to self:  Have to take that VHS tape to the place over in Edgewood to have it repaired.  Holy racing thought, Batman.

I don't know if it's just that I don't feel well, or that it's been a long few weeks, or that I'm at odds with a friend, or that I miss my "sister" Julie, but I'm a mess.  I've lost the motivation to exercise.  I've lost the Motivation to do just about everything.  My house is a WRECK.  Like a whole new level of wrong.  Half of it is packed, and what's left is just....scary.  Nostalgia is not my friend.  It cripples me.  This post is destined to be filled with non-sequiturs. 

It has been almost a month since my last post.  I wish I could say magical, exciting things have happened, but alas.  No.  I read the three "50 Shades" books, and that is approximately 1200 pages worth of time I will never get back.  Oooh, so shocking, he tied her hands up with a necktie.  Spanking.  I'm blushing.  SERIOUSLY?  I guess if this is what it takes to get people to read, then...whatever.  But for just one minute can we review how completely annoying and spineless Ana is?  She is what is wrong with women.  The scary part is, I know so many women who think just like her.  Of course, those women all have husbands/boyfriends and I don't, so maybe I'm doing it wrong. 

I made a grand gesture since then, that was not received the way I'd hoped, but it could have been worse.  I'm still trying to figure out what "It's the least I can do" translates to...and trying to decide what to do next.  It sucks...the heart wants what the heart wants, even if that is not always good for you, or even available to you.  Although, maybe it's just what you need, but it takes patience to get there?  Who knows.  It's entirely possible that I will die a lonely old maid.

To be perfectly honest, I think I need a good cry.  I have no real singular reason to cry, but...it's just below the surface, threatening to break through at just the wrong moments.  I've been so unlike myself for the past few months, I think it's just the emotional exhaustion of trying to keep up.  I yo yo between being weepy, self loathing, and irrationally angry.  I want the people in my life to take ownership and admit to the things that are staring right at them.  For a Virgo, I have a really intense obsession with Justice with a capital "J".  I can only imagine that it is because I was born on the cusp.

On the upside, I am pretty sure I am going to San Francisco next month, and I really do love it there.  I may try to stay an extra day just for me.  At any rate, I have plans to take the cable car down to the area near Ghiradelli Square and eat at Capurro's, where I had the BEST blueberry martini ever made.  And some pretty good calamari too.  So, I've got that going for me.

Now, I think I will settle in and watch "Rope" and hopefully fall asleep.....