Venting

I’m really freaking tired of being strong and independent.  For once, I’d like to be the girl that someone wants to take care of, not because I can’t take care of myself, but because they just want to.

Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way.

Famous words from my adolescence.  It's meant to be empowering, or at the very least to force a decision from the person it's being directed at.  The trouble is, one of the options is "get out of the way".  Getting out of the way is just so passive.  You aren't going to be strong and take the lead.  You aren't going to be supportive and follow a strong leader.  You're just going to step aside, let the rest of the crowd pass you by.  I never really spent much time thinking about it back then, but I was thinking about it today.  I want to blaze a trail.  But that's a scary thought.  Have you ever done something that was decisive, but totally outside of your normal zone?  Some people are naturally decisive.  Opinionated.  Outspoken.  I used to be one of those people.  And once, I even went ahead and made a strategic move that I thought I could never do.  And you know what?  It actually worked out...for a little while, at least. 

Ten years ago, there was a person in my life who would never have been there, if I hadn't made a decision to take the lead.  And for a few years, we were happy.  When he realized he was no longer happy, he took the lead, because at that point, I wasn't strong enough to admit that I wasn't happy either.  That person changed my life.  Because of him, I had the opportunity to learn about myself, who I really am.  I had the chance to grow, and focus on the things that I wanted most in life.  And most importantly, his willingness to be the bad guy gave me the courage and the space to go out and get what I wanted from life.  Did it happen right away?  Hell no.  Was I miserable?  Absolutely.  I was miserable, for a very long time.  Until one day, I wasn't.  When I finally realized that I had to stop fighting the past and embrace my future, I made another bold decision.  I decided to lead my life to the place where I wanted to be.  Six months later I moved to Philadelphia to take job doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.  Since then, I haven't spent a lot of time looking back.  I'm not going to lie, I spent some time, but not a lot.  Most of the time that has passed between then and now has been dedicated to becoming who I wanted to be professionally.  A process that was by no means an easy road.  But I fought through hard times, and waited patiently, and didn't give up hope, and here I am, for all intents and purposes, successful. 

Now that I have that all under control, it's time to go back to where I started.  I have to move into the next phase, and that means making a decision to take the lead in my personal life.  It's a scary thought.  I'm not exactly the person I want to be physically.  My self-esteem is a little lower than I'd like it to be.  Taking a negative hit right now would be more than a little bump in the road.  But...what good is a feeling of professional success, and truly being relaxed and enjoying your life, if you have no one to share it with?  I have avoided a serious relationship for a LONG time, mostly because I was never settled.  It took much longer than I expected to get over that relationship that kick started my adult life.  After I moved to Philly, I was just feeling comfortable when I ended up having to move back to Pittsburgh.  I knew that time in Pittsburgh would be temporary, so I didn't focus on meeting someone then.  My move to Atlanta was such a stretch, I just wanted to make it through a year down here without any additional stress.  But now I'm ready.  And someone has even caught my eye. 

There are a hundred reasons not to do anything about it.  Probably closer to two hundred.  I've spent countless hours debating what my next move should be.  And you know what keeps running through my head?  "Lead, follow or get out of the way."  "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got."  "If you want big rewards, you gotta take big risks."  So...I'm going to do it.  I'm not sure yet how, or when, but at least I won't have to look back and wonder "what if...?"        

I Made It! By Faking It.

Let’s discuss a concept we’re all familiar with.  Let’s talk about “Faking it until You Make It.”  This is the method by which we pretend we are happy, and then we suddenly are.  Or we pretend we know what we are doing, until we do.  Or we’re not sure if we like this particular person, but we keep at it until we are friends.  Or maybe not friends, but at least until you have a certain level of respect for them.  I’d love to be able to ask Jackie flat out what her feelings were on this matter.  On the one hand, I think she would champion this.  If you aren’t feeling the part, just pretend you are.  No one has to know, you’ve put your best foot forward, and everything thinks you are amazing.  The other part of me thinks she would NEVER do this.  Everything I’ve read about Jackie has been perfectly clear that Jackie had no problem saying no to invitations that didn’t interest her, gently but firmly reminding people that may have wronged her, and just generally being fabulous at most things she undertook. 

Jackie was a student.  A lifelong student.  She read voraciously, and was a true believer of “Be the labor, great or small, do it well or not at all”.  So the question really becomes…did Jackie only participate in activities she knew she would excel at, or did she fake it until she made it?

I can’t decide how I feel about it.  I know mind over matter works, to a certain extent.  For instance, I wanted to cry before I even hit the mat yesterday at the gym.  But I took a few deep breaths and just started telling myself it wouldn’t be that bad, I could do it, one thing at a time.  And it helped.  I also know that when I am doing things like cleaning my house, if I turn on the stereo and set the timer, giving myself little goals, it makes it so much less…mind numbing.  But can this really work with other things, like food?  And people?  Let’s start with food.  I hate vegetables.  There, I said it.  Big shocker.  BUT- I know they are good for me, and healthy, and in theory they fill you up.  So, if I force myself to eat them, will I eventually like them?  I can’t imagine how that works.  If something is physically perceived as unappealing to a person, how does forcing it make the effect any less repulsive?  Same with people.  If there is something about a person that just makes you wince a little bit….can you grow to like them? 

I don’t know.  Maybe there is a way to experiment and try to prove/disprove this theory.  Maybe I should fix a vegetable every day this week, and only eat that.  If I am hungry enough, it’ll probably taste like the most amazing thing ever, right?

Dread.

It’s been more than a week since I’ve been to the gym.  I have an appointment tonight with the trainer, and I know it’s going to hurt.  Bad.  The effects of all this exercise is so subtle, it’s really hard to stick with it.  I don’t really see the results in the way my clothes fit, or the number on the scale.  Well, maybe slightly on the scale.  But nothing dramatic.  And it’s a vicious circle because I need to see results to want to keep working out, and I need to work out to see results.  I think I need a goal.  Like, a more specific goal than just “be healthier”, or lose weight.  Maybe I should sign up to run a 5k or something.  Last time I worked out I did 4 miles in just under an hour.  That’s no kind of land speed record, but considering that two months ago I couldn’t walk to the car without an oxygen tank, I think its good progress. 

I do know that while I have been “dieting”, or even really sticking to a super low for eating plan, my body can totally tell the difference.  I spent the weekend in Pittsburgh, and I ate so much junk food, and my body was really not thrilled about it.  It took a few days to get back into my groove.  So back to grilled chicken, low to no soda, more fruit and protein. 

It’s supposed to be really nice out this weekend, of course, so I might try to rent a bike or something on Saturday and do some packing in the evening.  I want to try to start running outside rather than on the elliptical, but I know it’s not the same, and I’m not sure how to make the transition from one to the other.  Anyone have any suggestions?  As for packing, I think I am going to go REALLY hardcore, and get rid of as much as possible.  Books, Tupperware, holiday decorations I don’t use….everything must go.  If I am going to scale back, I should really scale back.  Two bags of clothes was a good start, and I know there is at least one Rubbermaid tub in the closet in the spare room that can get emptied and donated too.  I know this because in the two years that I have lived down here, I have not unpacked it.

That about wraps it up for me for now.  If I am still human after my workout, I may update on how awful it really was.  But don’t hold your breath….

The Scream

Do any of you guys out there know anything about dream interpretation?  For a long time now (several years, in fact) I have been experiencing some of the most intense dreams of my life.  All of the dreams are extremely vivid, and they usually include strong emotions.  And by strong emotions, I mean, like emotional content that make me wake up feeling spent.  In the dream I am either usually really, really scared, angry, frustrated, sad, or some combination of those.  But not just like a bad dream.  I’m not really sure how to describe them, except that sometimes the content is so….horrifying….I wake up and I’m literally shaking, or crying, or yelling.  Also, usually in the dream, I am trying desperately to speak to someone…either to beg, to yell, to scream, just to talk even, and my jaw is locked.  I literally can not open my mouth to talk to the person.  I have to struggle to speak around my own clenched teeth.  I also often have no voice.  I have the clenched jaw and I have to struggle for sound to come out. 

I’ve been in enough therapy over the years, and enough psychology classes to get the overall big picture here…I have something to say, but I can’t say it, no one is hearing me, blah blah blah….I’m keeping all my emotions bottled up inside….but I really don’t know what that is all about, because I really don’t feel like I have a lot of unaddressed anger or sadness right now.  It is really blowing my mind. 

I saw this thing in Best Buy called Zeo Sleep Manager.  It’s this headband thing you wear and it transmits info to your iPhone.  I’m thinking about getting it…..cheaper than a sleep study, but maybe it would lend some insight into my jacked up brain…