An Open Letter To My House

Dear House,

We’ve had some good times; we’ve had some not so good times.  In the beginning, I think we both tried really hard to get along.  I did my best to move my stuff into the space you were providing.  You appeared comfortable and clean.  It didn’t take long for things to break down on my end.  I quickly ran out of rooms, and left several boxes unpacked in the dining room.  It stayed that way for months.  I finally tried to unload those last few boxes, but I fear by then, the damage was done.

You see, in the time that I left the boxes unpacked, I started to see things I hadn’t seen before, when we were just talking about coming together.  Your kitchen is very small.  So small I can’t fit a microwave in it.  Your living room is dark.  I know, I know…you are saying, “But I have that fantastic sunroom!”  This is true…there is the sunroom.  But let’s be honest.  The French doors into the sunroom are really taking up more space than they are worth.  Eventually I gave up.  I admit it.   I’m the one who gave up on our relationship.  I let things get out of hand, and how could you be responsible?  Papers in piles everywhere, shoes in every room…let’s not even discuss the infrequency of my vacuuming. 

Over time, I’ve made halfhearted attempts to pick things up again and regain your trust.  It hasn’t been enough.  I realize now that we are in this together.  We have a committed relationship, you and I.  At least until May 21^st, 2014.  And with that in mind, I am going to make the following vows to you, so that we can both be proud to be seen in public together again.

 

1.       I resolve to finally clean out the sunroom.  I will get rid of the papers I don’t need, organize the ones I do, and make the rest of that space a fun place to read or knit, or whatever.  I WILL THROW THINGS AWAY.

2.       I will pay more attention to the closet in the front hall.  While I have my doubts about throwing away the box the TV came in, I’ve been counseled against keeping it.  I do feel the need to keep the Christmas tree and its box, although I will agree to search for a better storage solution for that.  Perhaps a nice shoe rack in there would make you smile?

3.       The living room…well, I’m afraid the living room is a bit of a challenge at the moment.  I will do a better job of exposing the furnishings and keeping them free of dust and cat hair, but there’s not much I can do about the general condition of the couch at this time.  It will continue to be a saggy, dingy mess.  At least for a while.

4.       You know as well as I do what comes next.  I think this is one of our biggest areas of conflict.  The kitchen.  I promise to stop complaining about how small it is (I should love you for you, right?) and make better use of the space you do offer me.  This will involve things like running the dishwasher nearly every day, wiping down the counters, and organizing the cabinets so that everything fits neatly inside.  I’ll go back to keeping the cat dishes in the dining room, to make more space.  I will commit to emptying the trash every other day, or every third day at most. 

5.       Let’s talk about the bedroom.  I know you want a headboard.  I know you do, and I’d love to give that to you.  But for now please understand, it can’t happen.  To try to make up for that, I promise to make the bed every day and even put the big fluffy pillows up there.  When I do that, it gives the allusion of a headboard.  That’s compromise, right?  Whatever is in the Rubbermaid bins will be donated or tossed.  I hear you when you say if I haven’t needed it yet, I’m not going to need it.  In place of the bins, I will substitute hampers, which I will utilize, daily.  Laundry will not be allowed to take over.  I will control it.  I know it’s my responsibility, as I wanted the clothes, not you.  It’s not fair for you to suffer as a result.

6.       The last room, the bathroom, hasn’t really been a major problem for us.  I could do a better job of wiping down the mirror now and then, and I can definitely clean out the drawers.  Our main issue is that laundry sneaks out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.  This must stop.

Please understand that I want us to be successful.  Things didn’t go bad overnight, and they won’t magically get better overnight.  But I am making the commitment now, here in front of God and everyone, to do better.  You deserve it, and so do I.

Your roomie-

Sara

And it goes like "Hey....."

So I'm several weeks into being 35, and so far, I'm not impressed.  In fact, I am so unimpressed, I have already completely forgotten it even happened.  Thirty three was just an OK year, 34 pretty much sucked in every way possible...so I really had huge hopes for 35.  Maybe I need to lower my standards.  Or maybe I just need a plan.  Apparently awesome lives don't just...happen, which if you ask me is total bull shit since I don't remember anyone telling me when I was a kid that having a happy successful life was completely dependant on a plan of action and how I conducted myself....hang on, phone is ringing.  (Insert teacher noises from Peanuts here).  That was my mom calling to quote that wall hanging she bought me as a kid again.  Words that are permanently etched into my brain, but apparently I've never truly LISTENED to them. "Be the labor, great or small, do it well, or not at all."  I'm pretty sure my mom's intent was for this to encourage me to do my very best at any task I undertook.  In typical Hunter fashion, that backfired almost IMMEDIATELY.  I honed in directly on the "not at all" portion of that statement, and here I stand today, as an adult who has ZERO ways to motivate herself.

My head is swimming with cliches about life and getting things done, and the like.  "Money can't buy happiness" "You reap what you sow"  "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up"  "the early bird catches the worm" "If you don't know where to start, just pick a spot and dive in"

OK, I may have made that last one up...but maybe not.  There are certain life skills that I struggle with continuously.  And these are not major life skills like learning to change my own oil, or tiling my back splash.  (I don't even have a back splash.)  These are basic every day life skills that someone....completely and totally overwhelm me.  Putting dirty clothes in a hamper.  Putting clean clothes away in the dresser/closet.  Doing dishes right away.  Getting my mail.  Sorting my mail as soon as I bring it in to the house.  Vacuuming more than once a month.

The truth is...this is embarrassing to me.  I let it get to a point that is completely out of hand, then I'm overwhelmed by the thought of even making a dent.  When I do find the energy and motivation to actually dig in, often times I'm so far behind in so many areas, I can hardly see the difference.

I do believe that most of my sloth is a direct result of clinical depression.  Traditionally, I've always been more of an anxious person than a depressive one.  Lately that has changed and I do NOT like it.  At all.  Real life is making me want to completely shut down.  I'm at the point now where I only grocery shop when I'm out of cat food or toilet paper, I only do laundry when I'm out of clean underwear and/or jeans, and I only run the dishwasher when all the glasses in the house are dirty.  I haven't vacuumed in I can't tell you how long.  I have a box of papers that need to be filed on the chair in my living room.  I am currently sitting on my bed, looking at a laundry basket of clothes that USED to be clean, (but now are all wrinkled and messy so I will have to re wash), My suitcase (which I haven't completely unpacked from my vacation last month), random clean and dirty clothes on the floor, three empty glasses on my dresser, and empty Pepsi can, and a wastebasket full of Kleenex, since allergy season never dies in Atlanta.  My bed is made, which is a new thing in the past few months....but I mean seriously.

I should be mortified to put this out there and admit that this is my life right now.  And I am mortified.  I'm ashamed.  I'm embarrassed that this is how it is.  But hiding from it has not made it any better, so maybe putting it out there will spark a change.

There are so many things that I want in my life.  I want to be a neat organized person who never panics when  friend might drop by.  I want to be on time to things.  I want to be more committed to my diet and exercise.  I want to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed.  I want to come home after work and smile when I walk into my house.  But I must not REALLY want these things, or I would do them, right?  The only way I can describe it is this:  I'm standing at the edge of my own life, as I want it to be.  As it SHOULD be.  I can see it clearly.  However, when I take a step forward to enter it, I walk in to a clear pane of glass that is preventing me from getting there.  I need to smash that glass.  I need to figure out how to make that glass wall that is holding me back crumble.

Anybody have a hammer?

I haven't found mine yet...but I think the key lies in making a chart of all the things I need to do, combined with all the things I want to do.  Then breaking those things down into a schedule and adding in more and more a little at a time might just be the secret weapon....