Yeah, I used to keep a blog way back in the "MySpace" days, and I updated it much more often. Partly because I hated my job and I was looking for something, ANYTHING to do that didn't involve cold calling. But maybe partly because I was more interesting then? Nah. Impossible.
Not a whole lot of news on the whole new me front...I had big plans to clean out my closet this weekend, but that got pushed aside when I learned that the apartment complex I was planning to move into is apparently a crack den. Seething with undesirables. At least, that's the face my ex-boss made when I told him about my plan. Direct quote: "If you were my daughter, I would not be comfortable with you living there". Well that is just fan-freaking-tastic. I have around 15 days to decide if I am staying in this apartment or not, and all signs point to no. They want to raise my rent by $50, plus add in a $25 trash collection fee. Add that to my current rent and my monthly water bill, and I should be learning how to work a pole.
Since operation Clean Up My Credit has only just begun, the best thing seems to be downsizing to a 1 bedroom (since none of you a-holes ever visit me anyway) and staying in the posh part of town. Making the next 12 months all about credit rehab, and then in a year, buy something. On one hand it sucks because real estate is dirt cheap down here right now. And who knows in a year. On the other, if I work at it for 12 months, my credit score would punch your credit score right in the mouth. I'm spoiling for a fight so....bring it.
There might be something to this whole exercise thing, and maybe even more to the no pop (soda!) thing. I gave up pop for Lent...I thought it would be hard. It really isn't EXCEPT that I live in the south, so when you order tea instead of pop it is loaded with SUGAR. Since I only drink diet pop now, I may run into a small challenge with not gaining any weight. But since I am already working out, hopefully I can keep it at bay by drinking mostly water and the occasional juice or tea. Baby steps...
Friday was a weird day for me. I felt just like I used to feel in high school...sort of..anticipatory. Is that a word? It is now. I think it might just be a flash of self confidence reigniting itself. I don't want to speak too soon, but it was kind of a good feeling. I was nostalgic without being morose. And since death was imminent in the form of a gazillion tornadoes (sorry if I offend, but it barely even got windy in my neighborhood) and since I had canceled my cable that very day, I spent some time in the old way-back machine. (Name that TV show!)
I remembered my first "real" job at Equitable gas and how my favorite thing to wear was a black skirt, a lime green blouse, black pantyhose, and black pumps. I felt like a million bucks in that outfit. I also had a blouse I bought at Brooks Brothers that I loved. I think I still have that one somewhere. I remembered driving up to Ghostriders to line dance with Dana...such fun we had! I remembered how the summer before my sophomore year in high school, I had permed hair, and I loved cut off jeans and tie-dye. I was such a wannabe hippie. For a few months. I remembered stalking a guy I had a crush on through the halls of my high school...walking down one hall and all the way through the rotunda, even though I never had a single class in the rotunda. But HE did. I remembered driving down Route 8 with my college boyfriend...we had the top down, and the air was cool but it felt good and fresh. There were star out and the moon was bright. We weren't really going anywhere...just driving. I remember listening to a demo tape that some guys I knew had made. There were three songs on that tape, and I listened to it for 10 days straight while I was in Europe. Confession: I still have that Chasing Autumn tape in my stereo. Right now.
I have so many GOOD memories. I feel fortunate for that. My family wasn't rich, but I never felt poor. My group of friends was small, but I never felt alone. I wasn't the most popular, or the most talented, or the prettiest, or the smartest, but I felt special. And that is what has been missing from my life for the past few years. I stopped feeling like I was someone special. Nothing changed in my life...my friends are still my friends, my family is still my family. In many ways I have proven t be a much stronger person that I was then. But I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I was so busy "getting through" life, that I wasn't living my life.
So...in addition to my goals for the week of cleaning out my closet, finding a place to live, and working out at least three more times, I vow to experience my own life. Even if it is just one fleeting moment, I want to make a new memory.
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