Progress Report

Words that literally give me a knot in the pit of my stomach, as I associate them with midway updates sent home to my mom during the school year.  These were never good for me, because I am a notorious underachiever, and so a progress report only served to remind me and my mom that I was definitely NOT living up to my potential.  Anyway, I digress.

Now that I’ve discussed the main idea of my 40 before 40, and posted the actual list, let’s review where I am so far, shall we?  Don’t get too excited, I’m not about to go ham all over the list with a red pen and achieve greatness (see above reference to my tendency to under reach) in one post…these things take time, OK?  Simmer down.

As I mentioned in my last post, Steve helped me divide the 40 goals into four groups, with each group representing a chunk of time.  Some of my goals are season or date specific (#16 – Rockefeller Center Tree would be tough to see in say, June…) so having an organized idea of what I start now vs. what needs to wait (#20 – My dad doesn’t ice fish.  Thankfully!).  Here are the 14 goals that I can be working on now:

1. Lose 40 Pounds

3. Shoot a gun

5. Save $5,000

8. Plant a garden

14. Read a “Classic”

15. Spend a day with my grandma

17. Finish a craft project

19. Pay off credit card debt

21. Get a good haircut and color

28. Try a new church

29. Cook (and eat) a fish dinner

30. Keep an orchid or violet alive

38. Take Murphy to the dog park

39. Keep a journal

Here are some updates on where I stand so far:

1.Lose 40 lbs

A few years back I had some reasonable success with weight loss using a combination of gym workouts with a personal trainer and Weight Watchers.  All told, I lost about 35 pounds in about a year.  Don’t panic, I found it again.  Plus I found about 10 more just to keep things interesting.  So…I went to a weight watchers meeting a few weeks back.  That was fun.  I weighed in, saw some familiar faces…then never did a single thing I’m supposed to do.  Then I thought I’d try a new approach and I signed up for Noom, which is an online weight loss program.  I used the app for about three days before I decided that it wasn’t really telling me anything I didn’t already know.  Back to Weight Watchers I went. 

In the first two weeks of actually making at least a half hearted attempt to following the plan, I lost 2.6 pounds.  The third week I went on a business trip and gained one of those back.  Still, I know this is a plan I can do with moderate success if I apply myself, and they’ve made some changes to the plan in the last week which might make it a little more flexible for a picky eater such as myself.  I’m optimistic.  As long as I keep going to meetings and focus on making better choices at least most of the time, I know I will see results.  Slow results, but results nonetheless.

5.Save $5,000

This goal is mixed in with a bunch of larger life plans…namely “Own Property”.  I want to try to buy a house at some point, whether that be a primary residence here in Pittsburgh, or a vacation condo…not sure yet, but no matter what, I need a down payment in order to do that.  So, in order to get rolling on this, I set up my direct deposit to automatically send a “mortgage payment” into my interest bearing savings account.  This has two benefits:  I gets me used to living on my income MINUS my approximate anticipated mortgage payment, and allows me to save that money as a down payment.  I’m lucky because I live with my cousin, and my rent is cheap.  So, I subtract my rent from my anticipated mortgage payment, and automatically send the difference into that savings account.  After a few months, I will be able to tell if this is a comfortable and realistic mortgage payment goal, and also how much house I can afford based on that.  I am a smart man.  Actually, the financial advisor I spoke to is a smart man.

33.Go on a Picnic

I know, I know, I’m cheating.  Number 33 was actually listed under fall, spring and summer.  With a question mark next to it.  As it happens, I sort of crossed this one off the list inadvertently, but hey…it’s still done.  Last month, I was on a business trip to Washington, DC.  DC happens to be one of my favorite cities.  I always feel like it’s easy to navigate, I love the history, and I just love the vibe.  So, when it looked like I was going to have at least one afternoon “off”, meaning I could leave the convention center for awhile, I debated going to one of the many museums or galleries.  Since it was late October, and a beautiful day, I ultimately decided to grab some snacks and my Nook and head for the Mall.  Not the mall-mall, but the National Mall.  I spread my jacket out on the grass, stretched out and read my book while I munched on some (not altogether WW friendly) delicious olives, cheese and bread.  I hung around until the sun went down enough that it got chilly, and then I headed back to my hotel.  It was only later that I realized this was technically a picnic!  Score one for me and the list!

3.Shoot a Gun

Turns out, while there are indoor shooting ranges, I don't know anyone who is a member of one.  As such this is now going to be reallocated to a spring time activity.  See, I can swap "picnic" for "target practice".  Almost the same thing, right?

8.Plant a Garden

I had big plans to order some fall bulbs and plant them so they'd bloom in spring.  By the time I got around to ordering the bulbs I wanted, they were sold out (see: Sara is a Procrastinator, chapter...every singe chapter).  So.  This too shall be relegated to a spring garden.  Looks like I have a busy spring ahead of me.

30.Keep and Orchid or Violet Alive

I have a long history of struggling with orchids.  I think they are beautiful.  I buy them, and enjoy them, and then the blooms fall off.  And I know that if you continue to feed and water them, they will bloom again.  I know this because all the websites say so.  Also, because my grandma is able to make this happen regularly with her large collection of orchids.  I can't seem to ever get them to bloom a second time.  So now in my head, it's like a direct challenge to my ability to nurture something.  I feel like I have to do it to prove that I am a good solid human being.  But the damn things just don't cooperate!

My mom used to have a little African violet on the kitchen windowsill.  For years, she faithfully watered it and cared for it, and it survived.  Once or twice, it would get a little weird, and look like it was about to go south, and she would doggedly keep it going.  She had some kind of superstition about it's health and life being somehow indicative of my dad's health...but that's a story for another day.  All I know is that if she were going to be gone for any length of time, I had better not let that violet die on my watch.  It's dead now...and I'm not sure when exactly it finally gave up the ghost, but I thought maybe a violet might be more realistic than an orchid for my challenge.  Turns out, I really don't like them.  So...back on the orchid bus.  BUT, in the meantime, until I purchase one (again, P-R-O-C-R-A-S-T-I-N-A-T-O-R) I have successfully kept this little guy alive.  Not only haven't I killed it, but he has actually grown from the two leaves on the original cutting given to me by Steve, to the healthy six leaves you see here.  Progress!

39.Keep a Journal

This blog is acting as my journal, and since this is only the second official entry, I'd say it's not going well.  But, I intend to write more often, even if not every entry is specific to the list.  After all, the original intent of the blog was to journal about living a more purposeful and crafted life, which definitely extends beyond the 40B440 list.  As a matter of fact, I was about to start an entry about something completely unrelated when I saw that I had started this post and not finished it.  So.  Now it's finished, and I can move on to the next thing!  Which, let's be honest, is probably going to be lunch.

40 Before 40

When I created this blog, a billion and one years ago, I was looking for a way to remind myself daily of my inspiration to lead a more elegant and “put together” life.  Jackie was my inspiration for that.  I read a book called “What Would Jackie Do”…and learned a lot about inspired living, and what it means to create a daily reality for yourself.  Over the past few years, I’ve abandoned that goal and this site.  In September, I turned 39.  I’ve been mentally prepping myself to turn 40 for a while now, but when I actually hit 39….something clicked.  I finally realized, these are the last 12 months of my thirties.  I’m not having some kind of existential midlife crisis about turning 40…it’s more like I’ve made so many huge life changes in the past nine years…that I’ve forgotten or ignored some of the things that are ingredients in an inspired life, a life lived well.  So, on the eve of my 39^th birthday, I had a crazy idea to make a list of 40 things I’d like to accomplish before I turn 40.

It seems like an innocent enough idea…40 things.  Not all of them have to be Earth shatteringly poignant.  Just a simple list of 40 things to be conscious of during the next year.  So I wrote a list.  It looks like this:

It’s no secret that I regularly meet with a counselor/therapist.  His name is Steve, and he is fantastic and has really helped me change the way I think about myself and deal with my emotions in a more productive and understanding way.  I knew as soon as I started jotting down the list that this project was something he would fully get behind.  So the nest time I met with him, I laid out the idea.  As expected, he was all in.  We took a closer look at the list together, and began to carve out some of the details I was missing, and also to consider one important thing that I had sort of overlooked.  There were FORTY items on this list.  A year has 52 weeks.  Some of my items were somewhat time specific, and some would take more than one day to complete.  So with Steve prompting me, I looked at the list and broke it down into a loose schedule, starting with things I can do now (Fall), Winter, Spring and Summer of next year.

I took the list home and looked at it some more.  In one day, my cool fun idea had gone from concept to reality.  It had also gone from fun to a little bit stressful, if I’m being honest.  It was an ambitious project to begin with, and now the reality of the commitment necessary to complete it was starting to hit me.  Added to the fact that I was in the middle of the busiest chunk of time so far in my career, I was ready to quit before I even started.

The next few weeks were a blur, mostly because I was working 12+ hours a day, and traveling on top of that.  The list stayed tucked into my planner.  I thought about it at times, but…I was already feeling desperate and overwhelmed with my workload.  Adding in extra tasks, even tasks that look to be fun or fulfilling, just wasn’t going to happen.

October whizzed past, and then it was November.  I had made a half-hearted attempt to start some of the items on the list that would take more time to complete, but nothing measurable.  Steve, to his credit, kept his end of the bargain as my credibility partner and asked about it during every session.  Finally, as I was able to dig out from my work madness at the beginning of November, I began to fan the spark that started this whole project in the first place.  I realized that I had unwittingly started or completed several items already…and this gave me momentum.

It is now November 13.  Seven weeks have passed, and there is nothing I can do to get them back.  I can however begin now, today and make this list come to life.  Item number 39 on the list was “Keep a Journal”.  I know myself well enough to know that I am not going to hand write in a journal every evening before I go to bed or anything like that.  Then I remembered this blog site, long ignored abandoned.

I began to wonder if I should re-work this site, and create a new direction.  Eliminate the Jackie tie in and start fresh.  But then I started thinking…how much of Jackie’s incredible life happened AFTER she turned 39?  I have never claimed to be an expert on Jackie, and I don’t intent to become one.  So, I did what anyone would do.  I googled it.  Turns out, Jackie was 39 year old the year she married Ari Onassis.  Not only that, but after Ari died in 1975, she began an entirely new career in publishing, at age 46.

With this information at hand, I was feeling a renewed sense of excitement, and not just about this project, but about the next chapter of my life.  It seems to me that My Life with Jackie is just starting the next phase.  And it is starting with 40 things I want to do before I turn 40.  I hope my journey is inspiring and that someone actually reads it.  If not, it will be enough for me to be able to look back on it myself in another ten years and reflect on how far I’ve come, yet again.

THE LIST:

1.  Lose 40 pounds
2.  Plant a tree
3. Shoot a gun
4. Pay for someone’s groceries
5. Save $5,000
6. Learn to use a sewing machine
7. Have professional photos taken
8. Plant a garden (flower or herb/veg)
9. Give up fast food for 1 month
10. Release a floating lantern
11. Run a 5k
12. Buy a holiday gift for a homeless person
13. Volunteer – Library?  Reading Initiative?
14. Read a “Classic”
15. Spend a whole day with my Grandma
16. See the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree
17. Finish a craft project
18. Watch baby turtles hatch
19. Pay off credit card debt
20. Go fishing with my dad
21. Get a good haircut and color
22. Do a Float Tank
23. Go to the Ballet / Opera / Symphony
24. Skinny Dip
25. Participate in a Bible study
26. Rent a fancy car for a drive along a coast line OR for a night on the town
27. Sleep out under the stars
28. Try a new church
29. Cook (and eat!) a fish dinner
30. Keep an orchid or violet alive
31. Donate to Toys for Tots
32. Rent a boat for a day
33. Go on a picnic
34. Give up TV for one month – INCLUDING Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, etc.
35. Ride a Bike
36. Play in the snow
37. Take Zeke to the science center or a museum
38. Take Murphy to the dog park
39. Keep a journal
40. Spend a day shopping for antiques / flea market

"One stitch."

While I don't really ever go to the movies, the movies I do see stick with me for awhile.  This explains why when I weighed in this week at WW, all I could hear was the ER doctor in Adventures in Babysitting telling Brad he only needed "One stitch" in his foot after he was stabbed by the gang dude.  You have to hear it.  I lost one pound.  One lonely, solitary little pound.  BUT - I am not upset by this.  As a friend pointed out to me..a loss is a loss.

I can't even really complain, because it's not like I was starving all week.  I had a few drinks on the 3rd.  And the 4th.  And the 5th.  I went out to eat several times.  I did not exercise.  All in all, a pound is actually pretty lucky.  I tracked MOST of my points, but wasn't a fanatic about it.  I did however make it the whole week (and then some) without ordering a pizza.  Can I get a hell yeah?!?!?

This week has been going better.  I discovered I like Trader Joe's Kalamata Olive hummus.  I have packed my lunch two days in a row.  I cooked Thai food last night, and even put vegetables in it!

I've still got my head in the game, so that is the good news.  10 pounds to go till I reach my 1st goal!

The Journey Begins. Again.

I'm three days in to my latest attempt at Weight Watchers.  I had been down to the lowest weight I'd been in 10 years back in December.  Christmas was...well Christmas was not what I expected.  I got sick with the flu for New Year's...and just basically lost my mojo.  So now, six months later I've gained it all back.  The good news is, it took me two months to loose it, and six to gain it back.  So in theory, if I can go at this hard core for the rest of the year, I should be ahead of the game.  That said, I'm not focusing on six months from now.  I'm not focusing on one month from now.  I have to basically focus on this week. This day.

In a world where I have no control over 90% of the things in my life...I can control this.  It's not fun, so I'm trying to make it fun.  I'm doing all that shit kids do when they are dreaming about the future.  Cutting (printing) out pictures of outfits I love and sticking them all over the house.  Taping motivational sayings to the food inside my fridge.  I guess I am going to have to do it old school, at least in the beginning while things are the hardest.

People say that journaling about this kind of thing can help keep it interesting and provide a place to go back to later when you are struggling for refreshed motivation.  I thought about just writing in a notebook, but the reality is that I will probably never do that, or if I did, it wouldn't be all cute like the ones on Pinterest.  So we'll start here and see how it goes.

So far this week I've eaten salad twice.  That's a big improvement!  Tonight is grilled chicken.  Tomorrow I am having dinner with a good friend who has recently become a vegetarian.  She is cooking up something for us, and I've promised to try it out and be open minded. I have to broaden my horizons!

So that's all for now.  Stay tuned for more.  Maybe I will get crazy and start posting pictures of inspirational outfits and motivational sayings on here too.  Fun!

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Well...that amazing packing experience I had going to PGH for Thanksgiving?  It won't be repeating itself for Christmas.  With all the recent car/work drama, I went in to full on regression back to old Sara.  The good news is that it won't take as long to bounce back this time...the bad news is that I am leaving on Friday (and perhaps even Wednesday afternoon, depending on circumstances) which leaves only a few nights to "redd up".

I'm not going to spend a ton of time beating myself up about it though.  Facing large car repair bills and having to make a decision about how to handle that is really one of the first major financial decisions that was TOTALLY up to me.  Last time I bought a car, I had to do it, because the sunroof on the Saturn was leaking to the point that I was driving with an umbrella when it rained.  It had to happen.  This time...not so cut and dry.  I'm proud of the decision I made though, and although my coworkers may say differently (they had to listen to me go back and forth and back again), I think I handled it pretty well.

Even with that, and the fantastic work stress I've been trying to get out from under, I still managed to loose a few more pounds, actually achieving my first mini-goal of losing 5% of my starting weight.  When I add this to the total weight I've lost in the past two years, I'm at 30 pounds.  It seems like a lot, but for the most part, it has happened so slowly that sometimes it is hard for me to recognize.  Just to keep the motivation in place, I did some digging and came up with this picture from the fall of 2011:

I can't say for sure exactly what my weight was there, but I'm pretty certain it was right about the time I was at my heaviest point ever.  After I found that little gem, I tried to remember the last time I was at my current weight.  I can't be totally sure, but according to some papers I have in a file, it would have been somewhere around 2003-2004.  I hate to have my picture taken as a rule, but I think I should really make it a point to get a good one soon to mark some progress.  This is one of the more recent ones, taken in October (but I'm a good 10 pounds lighter now than I was in this picture):

Even looking at the pictures, I still don't see a ton of difference, and I have a long long way to go, but it's something.  I'm not naive enough to think that I will get high school skinny again (and I thought I was fat in high school!  ugh, what a waste) but I'd like to get 20's skinny.  I'm shooting for this, circa 2000:

Again, can't be too sure, but if I had to guess, I'd say I'm about 45 pounds away.  This is one of the last pictures I can easily find of me in clothes I bought at a "regular" store (that was one of the last shirts I ever bought from Express, and again, not 100% sure, but the pants were probably from Gap.  I know, scary that I remember that, but couldn't tell you what I wore to work last week.)

Anyway, not fishing for compliments or anything like that.  It just helps me to see what's ahead of me and behind me on this journey.  Dude, I just called losing a weight a journey.  I hate me right now.  I just ventured into Julie and Julia or Eat, Pray, Love territory.  Oh how I loathe both of those books....

So that's all for now.  I'm just about to start re-reading my Jackie inspiration guidebook, "What Would Jackie Do?" so it's possible there may be more frequent posting after the new year.  At least, that's one of my goals....go team!

Over The River...

I just had a fantastic experience.  I packed for my trip home to Pittsburgh in less than an hour.  And that included dishes, dishwasher, laundry, cat stuff, litter boxes, and actual packing.  THIS NEVER HAPPENS.  Recently though I've been trying much harder to be good to myself by keeping up with the house.  Turns out, it actually works.  I was able to come home and eat dinner without feeling like I was procrastinating.  I only had to do one load of laundry (jeans).  I unloaded the dishwasher and put the few dirty dishes that i had in.  I emptied the litter boxes and took out the trash.  I packed my suitcase, and cleaned out my backpack and purse.  In less than an hour.  In my previous state, this packing would have been an epic chore.  I'd have had to do three or more loads of laundry.  I'd have had to do a mountain of dishes, or worse, just leave dirty dishes in the sink.  The living room would look like I'd been robbed for the cat sitter.  I'd be up until all hours finishing all this stuff.  But for the first time in recent memory, I was able to breeze through this.  It feels AMAZING.

It just goes to prove that your surroundings truly do affect your mental state.  I'm really proud of myself, and this is just what I needed to prove that I am making good decisions in my life....

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

An Open Letter To My House

Dear House,

We’ve had some good times; we’ve had some not so good times.  In the beginning, I think we both tried really hard to get along.  I did my best to move my stuff into the space you were providing.  You appeared comfortable and clean.  It didn’t take long for things to break down on my end.  I quickly ran out of rooms, and left several boxes unpacked in the dining room.  It stayed that way for months.  I finally tried to unload those last few boxes, but I fear by then, the damage was done.

You see, in the time that I left the boxes unpacked, I started to see things I hadn’t seen before, when we were just talking about coming together.  Your kitchen is very small.  So small I can’t fit a microwave in it.  Your living room is dark.  I know, I know…you are saying, “But I have that fantastic sunroom!”  This is true…there is the sunroom.  But let’s be honest.  The French doors into the sunroom are really taking up more space than they are worth.  Eventually I gave up.  I admit it.   I’m the one who gave up on our relationship.  I let things get out of hand, and how could you be responsible?  Papers in piles everywhere, shoes in every room…let’s not even discuss the infrequency of my vacuuming. 

Over time, I’ve made halfhearted attempts to pick things up again and regain your trust.  It hasn’t been enough.  I realize now that we are in this together.  We have a committed relationship, you and I.  At least until May 21^st, 2014.  And with that in mind, I am going to make the following vows to you, so that we can both be proud to be seen in public together again.

 

1.       I resolve to finally clean out the sunroom.  I will get rid of the papers I don’t need, organize the ones I do, and make the rest of that space a fun place to read or knit, or whatever.  I WILL THROW THINGS AWAY.

2.       I will pay more attention to the closet in the front hall.  While I have my doubts about throwing away the box the TV came in, I’ve been counseled against keeping it.  I do feel the need to keep the Christmas tree and its box, although I will agree to search for a better storage solution for that.  Perhaps a nice shoe rack in there would make you smile?

3.       The living room…well, I’m afraid the living room is a bit of a challenge at the moment.  I will do a better job of exposing the furnishings and keeping them free of dust and cat hair, but there’s not much I can do about the general condition of the couch at this time.  It will continue to be a saggy, dingy mess.  At least for a while.

4.       You know as well as I do what comes next.  I think this is one of our biggest areas of conflict.  The kitchen.  I promise to stop complaining about how small it is (I should love you for you, right?) and make better use of the space you do offer me.  This will involve things like running the dishwasher nearly every day, wiping down the counters, and organizing the cabinets so that everything fits neatly inside.  I’ll go back to keeping the cat dishes in the dining room, to make more space.  I will commit to emptying the trash every other day, or every third day at most. 

5.       Let’s talk about the bedroom.  I know you want a headboard.  I know you do, and I’d love to give that to you.  But for now please understand, it can’t happen.  To try to make up for that, I promise to make the bed every day and even put the big fluffy pillows up there.  When I do that, it gives the allusion of a headboard.  That’s compromise, right?  Whatever is in the Rubbermaid bins will be donated or tossed.  I hear you when you say if I haven’t needed it yet, I’m not going to need it.  In place of the bins, I will substitute hampers, which I will utilize, daily.  Laundry will not be allowed to take over.  I will control it.  I know it’s my responsibility, as I wanted the clothes, not you.  It’s not fair for you to suffer as a result.

6.       The last room, the bathroom, hasn’t really been a major problem for us.  I could do a better job of wiping down the mirror now and then, and I can definitely clean out the drawers.  Our main issue is that laundry sneaks out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.  This must stop.

Please understand that I want us to be successful.  Things didn’t go bad overnight, and they won’t magically get better overnight.  But I am making the commitment now, here in front of God and everyone, to do better.  You deserve it, and so do I.

Your roomie-

Sara

And it goes like "Hey....."

So I'm several weeks into being 35, and so far, I'm not impressed.  In fact, I am so unimpressed, I have already completely forgotten it even happened.  Thirty three was just an OK year, 34 pretty much sucked in every way possible...so I really had huge hopes for 35.  Maybe I need to lower my standards.  Or maybe I just need a plan.  Apparently awesome lives don't just...happen, which if you ask me is total bull shit since I don't remember anyone telling me when I was a kid that having a happy successful life was completely dependant on a plan of action and how I conducted myself....hang on, phone is ringing.  (Insert teacher noises from Peanuts here).  That was my mom calling to quote that wall hanging she bought me as a kid again.  Words that are permanently etched into my brain, but apparently I've never truly LISTENED to them. "Be the labor, great or small, do it well, or not at all."  I'm pretty sure my mom's intent was for this to encourage me to do my very best at any task I undertook.  In typical Hunter fashion, that backfired almost IMMEDIATELY.  I honed in directly on the "not at all" portion of that statement, and here I stand today, as an adult who has ZERO ways to motivate herself.

My head is swimming with cliches about life and getting things done, and the like.  "Money can't buy happiness" "You reap what you sow"  "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up"  "the early bird catches the worm" "If you don't know where to start, just pick a spot and dive in"

OK, I may have made that last one up...but maybe not.  There are certain life skills that I struggle with continuously.  And these are not major life skills like learning to change my own oil, or tiling my back splash.  (I don't even have a back splash.)  These are basic every day life skills that someone....completely and totally overwhelm me.  Putting dirty clothes in a hamper.  Putting clean clothes away in the dresser/closet.  Doing dishes right away.  Getting my mail.  Sorting my mail as soon as I bring it in to the house.  Vacuuming more than once a month.

The truth is...this is embarrassing to me.  I let it get to a point that is completely out of hand, then I'm overwhelmed by the thought of even making a dent.  When I do find the energy and motivation to actually dig in, often times I'm so far behind in so many areas, I can hardly see the difference.

I do believe that most of my sloth is a direct result of clinical depression.  Traditionally, I've always been more of an anxious person than a depressive one.  Lately that has changed and I do NOT like it.  At all.  Real life is making me want to completely shut down.  I'm at the point now where I only grocery shop when I'm out of cat food or toilet paper, I only do laundry when I'm out of clean underwear and/or jeans, and I only run the dishwasher when all the glasses in the house are dirty.  I haven't vacuumed in I can't tell you how long.  I have a box of papers that need to be filed on the chair in my living room.  I am currently sitting on my bed, looking at a laundry basket of clothes that USED to be clean, (but now are all wrinkled and messy so I will have to re wash), My suitcase (which I haven't completely unpacked from my vacation last month), random clean and dirty clothes on the floor, three empty glasses on my dresser, and empty Pepsi can, and a wastebasket full of Kleenex, since allergy season never dies in Atlanta.  My bed is made, which is a new thing in the past few months....but I mean seriously.

I should be mortified to put this out there and admit that this is my life right now.  And I am mortified.  I'm ashamed.  I'm embarrassed that this is how it is.  But hiding from it has not made it any better, so maybe putting it out there will spark a change.

There are so many things that I want in my life.  I want to be a neat organized person who never panics when  friend might drop by.  I want to be on time to things.  I want to be more committed to my diet and exercise.  I want to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed.  I want to come home after work and smile when I walk into my house.  But I must not REALLY want these things, or I would do them, right?  The only way I can describe it is this:  I'm standing at the edge of my own life, as I want it to be.  As it SHOULD be.  I can see it clearly.  However, when I take a step forward to enter it, I walk in to a clear pane of glass that is preventing me from getting there.  I need to smash that glass.  I need to figure out how to make that glass wall that is holding me back crumble.

Anybody have a hammer?

I haven't found mine yet...but I think the key lies in making a chart of all the things I need to do, combined with all the things I want to do.  Then breaking those things down into a schedule and adding in more and more a little at a time might just be the secret weapon....  

Defining the Word "Manager"

man·ag·er [man-i-jer]

noun

1.a person who has control or direction of an institution, business, etc., or of a part, division, or phaseof it.

2.a person who manages: the manager of our track team.

3.a person who controls and manipulates resources and expenditures, as of a household.

I’ve been struggling a little at work the past two weeks.  I’ve got a new client, and for the most part, I’m learning to love my job again.  I’m more engaged and organized than I have been in a long time.  That said, the past few weeks a number of smaller internal jams that have just been irritating, like a splinter under my skin.

My initial reaction to all of these separate incidents was anger, and annoyance, and resentment when ultimately the “blame” or maybe more accurately the final responsibility, always ended square in my lap, even when I had placed my trust in my coworkers to do their jobs without me hounding them, or hanging on their shoulder.

I’ve been fuming, and really jacked that even when other people fail to complete their tasks, I am being held accountable and they are not.  I was feeling like I shouldn’t have to be chasing down my own people.  It’s one thing to have to herd clients, in my mind, that’s my primary duty.  Herd (read: guide) clients through the process.  What I have since realized in what can only be described as a major moment of clarity, is that my job title is “Account Manager”.  My focus has always primarily been on the “account” portion of that title.  I’ve never given a single thought to the “manager” portion.  But now, here, in this moment, I realized….if I am MANAGING the account, then my job really is herding my own people.  My job, as manager of what happens on this account, is to MANAGE all the people that touch it.  Internal AND external. 

So: what does this mean in terms of my life?  Well, obviously, Rome wasn’t built in a day.  But something fundamental in my outlook has changed.  I’ve always been a team player…a don’t rock the boat, toe the company line kinda girl.  When I look around at the people that I consider being truly good at what they do here…they might not be everyone’s favorite coworker.  But that is because they chase down their stuff.  They MANAGE their projects, and the people that touch them. 

I’m making a checklist.  I currently have a project related checklist…things like estimate the costs.  Update budgets.  Submit forms on such-and-such date.  My new checklist is full of the things I never thought were “my job”.  Follow up on requests that are taking longer than usual.  Ask to see contents being packed in a box before it gets shipped.  And if that makes me a little less beloved, well….sorry.  I’m tired of having my butt on the hot seat. 

  

The WHY Factor.

Rashaad and I had a heart to heart this morning….it was measurement day.  This weight loss/fitness journey has been filled with ups and downs.  It’s been one year since I joined the gym, and signed up for personal training.  If you had asked me then why I did it, and if you asked me now, I would not have an answer for you.  I really don’t know what propelled me into the gym in the first place.  Then, I lost a few pounds and began to think that maybe I could be successful at this.  A few months went by.  At the end of the summer, I was kicked in the gut by circumstance, and it made me angry.  Not just angry, but infuriated.  And I used the fury as a motivator.  Fury, and revenge.  I upped the training session to two times a week, and since I was emotionally jacked up anyway, I was eating way less.  That showed big results.  Then come the holidays.  I promised myself I wouldn’t slack, but I did.  It’s been really hard getting back into the swing after the holidays…I’ve gained a few pounds/inches back, and I’ve lost the edge I got from being completely pissed at circumstance.  Rashaad said I need to find the reason why I want to do this.  I have to remind myself WHY.  Then I can set small goals.

The trouble is, I’m a complete mess.  Something inside me is broken.  Or maybe it just never existed.  Discipline.  I does NOT haz it.  My house is a mess.  My car is a mess.  My emotions are a mess.  My finances are a mess.  Until very recently, work was a mess.  I really don’t know what it feels like to be driven, even driven to small responsibilities, like running the dishwasher, or putting away laundry.  Do I really not have these skills, or are the beaten down by depression?  Can I learn them?  Are they teachable?  It’s all very overwhelming.  I know I sleep entirely too much.  But what’s to stop me?  I need to break the cycle, and take control of my life, one piece at a time.  Rationally, I know this.  It’s the implementation that I can never get to. 

“They” say you can’t find happiness until you truly love/accept yourself.  Right now, there is very little I find likeable about me.  I really believe that this is true, and it makes me even more sad, because I can’t figure out how to get there.  It’s like I can see the path, right in front of me.  I know exactly what steps I need to take to accomplish an orderly life.  Every now and then I take off down the path, and then I right face first into this invisible wall that blocks the path, and give up.  Over and over and over again. 

I need to figure out how to get past the wall.  Until then, I don’t know WHY I am going to the gym.  I don’t know WHY I leave trash in my car.  I don’t know WHY there are dirty dishes in my sink.  I don’t know WHY I live paycheck to paycheck.  I want to stop doing these things…I just don’t know how.    

In My Next Life, I Want to be Lena Dunham.

Is that too much to ask?  Here's the rub...many of the succesful women I want to be are like 10 years younger than me.  So I am WAY behind the curve. 

I think figuring out what you want from life might be the hardest part of adulthood.  All those years growing up, people tell you that you can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it.  One of the reasons I should probably never have kids is that secretly, I don't think that is true.  I can't imagine trying to tell my kid that the sky is the limit if I hear them singing and they suck.

One of my biggest fears is that by the time I figure out what it is that I REALLY want to do, it will be too late.  I love history...do I want to go back to school and study history like I originally intended?  Become an archivist, or a preservationist?  Or do I want to travel?  Do I want to get married?  Give up my worldly posessions and move to the beach and tend bar?  I don't know.  Write a book?  Play music?  Cook?  My head is swimming.

The other thing that is so disturbing about this is that when I look around at my friends, I'm not sure that most of them have figured it out either.  What are we waiting for?

What. Are. We. Waiting. For.

Week 1: The Year in Review (Thus far...)

I'm making resolutions.  I typically do, and I never follow though with them, but I'm making different types of resolutions this year.  I'm hoping that these more insightful, broad-stroke resolutions are not only more achievable, but more inspiring than my typical ones.  Being that "This is the Year". the year of the Unicorn no less, I am really focused on making good decisions, and positive life changes.

Challenge Number One:  Getting (and staying) Fit. 
I started this last year, actually without a whole lot of thought.  I just one day decided to join the gym.  And then I had a free training session, and felt so bad after it was over, I realized I had no choice.  Last year, I lost about 25 pounds (30, but gained five back during the Holidays...) without doing really anything different EXCEPT working out.  I didn't change the way I eat at all, and I really didn't even break my back with the workouts either.  Once or twice a week with the trainer, and most of the time, that was it.  If we're being honest, I probably drank more beer last year than I ever have in my life.  So, it should be easy to kick that up a level.  Smarter decisions about what I eat (so long, Papa John's pizza night), a few extra workouts a week (hello, showering at the gym every morning *yuk*) and I should be able to reach my overall weight loss goal this year for sure.  When I do, no one can take that away from me but me.

Challenge Number Two: Money Management
I wanted to do this last year, and I made some changes in order to do so, but I really need to kick this into high gear.  Setting and keeping a budget, saving as much as possible, cleaning up my credit report are essential, because I want to own my own place.  Nothing would make me more proud than to be able to say I bought my own house, with no help from anyone else.  This will require DAILY attention to the little details, and serious discipline for me.  Maybe even a harder task than the getting and staying fit challenge.  I'm going to try though.

Challenge Number Three: Focus and Dedication (at work and at home)
I tend to get lazy.  Very lazy, very easily.  I have a new client, so fresh focus and dedication along with excitement in general will bring zest back into my work life.  I need to create a laser like focus to make sure I am at my best.  At home, I let things slide...dishes in the sink, laundry in the hamper...clutter on the dining room table.  This can no longer continue.

If there is something that I learned last year, it's that relying on someone else to provide you with your happiness.  Taking care of your body, your financial life, your space, is not only rewarding, and it build character.  Would I love to have a wealthy man in my life, so I could have a nicer house, a nicer car, an easier time paying bills?  Sure. The truth though is that having someone else supply those things for you takes away your self confidence.  I want to be able to say "I lost the weight."  "I bought this house."  "I aced that event."  Maybe not everyone needs that validation, to know they can do it by themselves.  Maybe some people get validation from other people.  I'm not going to judge.  I just know that for me, I'd rather know that if everything went to shit, and I were left all alone in this world, I could survive, and even thrive.

Getting it out of my head.

I am making a conscious decision to be happy.  I am not going to yearn for the tings I don't have, and I'm not going to feel bad just because it's easy.  I'm going to move forward and allow myself to experience something amazing.  In order to do that, I have to clear the negative out of my head.

I've always been a music person.  I'm not one of those music people who know obscure facts about little known indie bands or anything, but I know what I like, and when I hear something I can relate to, it sticks with me.  I'm not a poet, or even a very deep thinker, but lyrics to songs tell my story.  For a while now, these are the lyrics that have been bouncing around in my head.  I figure, if I put them somewhere else, I can make room in my head for newer more positive thoughts/emotions/lyrics.  With that in mind, here they are, and I'm not hearing them any more after this:

"You took your time with the call, I took no time with the fall, you gave me nothing at all, but still you’re in my way.

You can’t expect me to be fine, I don’t expect you to care….I know I’ve said it before but all of our bridges burned down.

You gotta lotta luggage in your name…

I gave it everything I had, and everything I got was bad. 

Behind every woman scorned, is a man who made her that way.

When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell.  Truth be told, I miss you…..truth be told I’m LYIN’.

I guess the change in my pocket wasn’t enough….I’m like f*ck you and f*ck her too.

My reflection, dirty mirror, there’s no connection to myself.

Afraid of change, afraid of stayin’ the same….

It won’t take much for me to show ‘em my life ain’t over yet.  I wake up scared, I wake up strange, I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change..

I’ll never be lonely, if I could get this right.

You said there would be a right time, don’t let it pass me by…

I’m just lookin for the way to get to satisfied, I said it’s just a little down the road from sadness.  Nothin’s wrong, but nothin’s right.

She screams in silence…waiting for a sign to smash the silence with a brick of self control.  She’s figured out, all her doubts were someone else’s point of view.

You sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.

It’s so loud inside my head, with words that I should have said.  As I drown in my regret, I can’t take back the words I never said….

It’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again, and I can’t take it, I can’t shake it.

Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone.

I been goin back and forth
One day south the next day north
This road that I’ve been traveling is littered with confusion, doubt and sin

You are sultry, dirty, soft and hard

You are close to me and you’re so far

And I’m thinking of the time we spent together

Now I’ll bury this in my backyard

Sometimes I sit and wonder

But I’ll never dial your number

I just wanna be with you
I just wanna hold you one more time or maybe two
I just wanna be with you ‘cause I’m a fool

I've never walked away from the things I've wanted
I've never walked away, but I think I'm going to
This time

You are getting heavy to hold…think I’ll be letting you go

You Gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight, cause tears are going nowhere baby.

You’ve got to get yourself together, you’ve got yourself stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it.

Start livin’ your life, on the double,  leave your troubles behind…you and me we’re going to be all right.

He’s everything you want, he’s everything you need, but he means nothing to you and you don’t know why.

Tomorrow’s just an excuse away.

You blame yourself for what you can’t ignore.  You blame yourself for wanting more.

I know I’ll make it, love can last forever…

Keep on dreamin even if it breaks your heart."

This Is The Year!!

So as it turns out, Bob was COMPLETELY correct.  I should have listened.  I didn’t, and I got hurt.  The past 6 weeks or so have been more emotionally hellish that anything I have experienced in a very long time.  On the one hand, it’s good to know I can still feel.  On the other hand, sometimes feeling sucks.  Its random bad luck that the first time I’ve risked opening myself up in such a long time ended up so shitty, but what’s done is done.  My focus the past few weeks has been to make just one good decision at a time.  I can’t worry about 10 years from now, or a year from now, or next month, next week, tomorrow, or even the next hour.  I’m living moment to moment, really listening to my mind, and forcing one good decision at a time to be the result. 

You would think that since I am in my mid-thirties, I would be better equipped to make good decisions, but it is still something I struggle with daily.  I have strong life forces fighting me.  I have an overdeveloped sense of independence.  I have a crazy need for instant gratification.  I’m lazy as fuck.  Trying to convince a person with those characteristics to do things like wait to order that book until you can make it a treat, or waiting patiently and trusting that God will deliver to you what you are impatient for, or even doing the dishes the same night you dirty them can be impossible.  News about a job, a special person in your life, self-esteem…all of those things should be put to God and prayed about.  I am really struggling with that at this juncture though. 

The funny thing is I’ve been doing more things to help myself that I have in YEARS, and I am less confident now than I was two years ago.  Well, that’s not really true, I was probably just as afraid then as I am now, but because I never went out on a limb, no one noticed.  All I know is, I am four days into my 34^th year, and I’m not going to let it pass me by.  I am going to actively participate in this year of my life.  I’ve said on Facebook that THIS IS THE YEAR!!  I’m not sure what that means yet.  I’m looking at it as though something monumental will happen.  But it will only happen if I am present in my life.

One decision at a time, focused on the positive outcome I am waiting for….this will DEFINITELY be the year.

I Call It Bob.

The little voice inside your head.  I call mine Bob.  I don't really know why, especially because it's a girl voice, but whatever, I can call it whatever I want.  You may be surprised to know that Bob is very loud.  When I was younger, Bob had to practically scream to be heard.  I was very willful and stubborn back then.  I made a lot of rash decisions in the heat of the moment and for reasons that had nothing at all to do with what was BEST.  Instead, they most often were based on what I most wanted.  A laptop computer when I was 20, even though I lived at home, and only went to school part time?  Absolutely.  And that bad boy better cost like three grand.  New car?  Yep.  Gotta have it.  No, not that one, I want the purple one with the stick shift and the sunroof.  So what if I don't know how to drive a stick?  Trips, clothes, you name it.  Bob would also try very hard to get my attention when I was about to do something emotionally foolish as well.  And more often than not, I ignored that bastard and did what I wanted to do, with mixed results. 

As I get older, Bob doesn't have to yell quite so loud.  I'm less impulsive.  Don't get me wrong, when I want something, I still can be pretty stubborn.  That said, I'm much more selective about what is worth standing my ground for.  Plus, I listen to Bob now.  When Bob says...you know, you really shouldn't buy those shoes, you don[t have anything to wear them with and you could save that money... listen.  Most of the time.  When I am about to say something to my mom that might be in the heat of an argument, I may not say it.  If I do, I can usually apologize much more quickly.  So...when Bob started screaming at me a bit ago, why didn't I listen?

Say for example, someone places an apple and a piece of cake before you, and you are hungry, Bob will probably tell you to eat the apple.  Either way, you are hungry, and food satisfies you.  But - say you are hungry, and the only thing in front of you is this perfect pastry.  It's perfect.  Your favorite flavor, beautiful to look at, but it's behind a pane of glass, and tied to a brick.  There is no other option.  You can try to get at it.  But there's Bob, telling you that it's more trouble than it's worth, you probably won't be able to get at it anyway.  "Even if you do get at it," says Bob, "it's REALLY bad for you.  You can't see this, but the filling will make you sick.  I'm telling you..STAY AWAY from the pastry."  But you are hungry...you haven't eaten in a while, and you like pastries, and it looks heavenly.  There's Bob.."I'm telling you.  You really do NOT want to eat that.  It's going to go right to your hips, and you will have to work to get rid of it for a long time.  Better to just ignore it, and soon a salad or something will show up".

I'd like to say, that as a mature adult, I ignored the pastry.  But I didn't.  Even though every cell in my body has been telling me for months that I should keep walking, don't even LOOK at the pastry.  Don't pick the pastry up.  Don't try to take the pastry home.  I tried to claw my way through the glass and eat the fucking pastry.  Sure enough...Bob was right.

While this could easily truly be about apples and pastries, it's actually a metaphor for something I am dealing with in my life.  It's only one of the challenges I am juggling right now, but it's the one that is causing the most immediate and pronounced pain.  I let the pretty display distract me from the fact that inside, it's just a fatty, high calorie mess, sure to make me feel worse about eating it than I did when I was just hungry.  And now here I am, knowing that not only was I unable to break through the glass, the pastry still sits there, beckoning, and I have to walk away from it.  I have to force myself to keep thinking how I really don't even want it.  Even though it may go on sale.  The glass my come down.  Hell, someone might buy the thing and put it on my desk.  I can not eat it.  Bob was right.  It is toxic.

I'm still hungry.  It could take a while for something nutritious to come my way.  When it does, it probably won't be as pretty as the pastry.  It might, but either way, it will be all filled with vegetables and vitamins, and that's the important part.  It will feed my hunger AND nourish my body.  I just have to be patient.

Bob, if you know so much...tell me how to get rid of the image of the pastry!!!!

Here's What's Bouncing Around In My Head

I'm sitting here watching a show about Vlad the Impaler, and trying to be interested, but it's pretty dull.  I've had a bunch of random and completely unrelated thoughts today, and I figured, why not put them down here, in case I eventually come up with answers and/or input someday.

1. I hate pine straw.  For you Northerners, pine straw is just dead pine needles.  Up north, when you have flower beds or landscapes areas around trees and signs, etc, we cover that with mulch.  Down here, they rake up all the dead pine needles and pile it on.  It's ugly, a fire hazard, and is perfect nesting ground for spiders.
2. Klean Karz is awesome.  My car is so clean, it feels almost new inside.  Of course, it won't last, but it's nice to pretend for a while.
3. Speaking of cars, I really, really need to have my car serviced.  It needs to have the brakes checked and the a/c looked at, and an oil change.  The problem is that this results in me having to sit at the car repair place all day waiting.  I hate waiting.
4. People continue to surprise me.  Just when I think I have stuff all figured out, a monkey wrench gets thrown in the mix.  I guess that's what keeps life interesting right?  The good thing is that as I get older, I get wiser.  I am much more likely to just flat out ask someone what's up rather than try to guess.  It's a nice change.  Even if you get an answer you don't necessarily want, at least you aren't fussing over the what ifs anymore.
5. I continue to surprise myself.  I really felt this past week and the week before that I was starting to actually feel muscles being used that I normally don't.  I don't know that I've lost any weight and/or inches (I will find out tomorrow) but I feel a little teeny bit healthier.  Now if I could get the diet under control, I'd be golden.  It's not terrible, I've been much worse, but it can always be better, right?

All in all, the last two weeks have been challenging.  I've been emotionally exhausted.  I think going to San Francisco for a few days really helped clear my head.  It was a nice change of scenery, and it was also nice to focus completely on one task, rather than having all this free time for my mind to wander.  I had really wanted to go home for 4th of July week if I wasn't having guests, but the tickets are just too expensive to make it a good decision.  So I have a five day break coming my way...now I just need to find ways to fill the time.  Taking suggestions...

Wanting

Have you ever been walking around, minding your own business, having what could actually be a pretty good day, and then POW!  One sentence ruins it all?  That just happened to me.  And now I actually feel stupid.  And confused.  And embarrassed.  But mostly stupid.  What made me think that I could be anything other than what I already am?  Oh sure, I can maybe amp up who and what I am…wear nicer clothes, spend time on my hair and make up, even exercise.  But I will never be the girl with the clean car, and the perfect mani/pedi, and the bed that’s made every day.  I will never be “serene” or “demure”.  Actually, it’s unlikely I will ever pass for a “lady”.  I will never have a nice nest egg, I will never be wearing matching bra and underwear.  I AM NOT JACKIE.  I am nothing like Jackie.  Pretending to be, or trying to be doesn’t change anything.  It gives you a false sense of self.  It makes you think you can be someone you aren’t.  It’s exhausting.

I think that maybe this is as good as it gets.  And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with things the way they are.  I am strong and capable.  I can support myself.  I have some friends, many close friends that are far away, and a few friends here in Georgia.  I am healthy, for the most part.  So maybe wanting more is being selfish.  I am so blessed in so many ways.  Maybe wanting more is just asking too much.  Maybe thinking you can have more, have everything you want, is unreasonable.

I’m afraid that if I don’t accept my lot in life, I will become bitter, or disappointed.  At what point do you just stop and say…”I have enough.  I have plenty.”?  When do you say…”You can no longer let me down, because I don’t expect anything from you.”?

Putting on The Brakes

In my younger days, holding a grudge was kind of my specialty.  As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that it often times just takes way to much energy.  That said…I would argue that there is a big difference between letting go of an issue that’s been resolved, and just plain pretending something never happened, especially if the issue is not resolved. 

My mom is really able to bounce back….if we have a minor disagreement, she is perfectly able to talk to me a few hours later as if it never even happened.  The key word in that sentence was “minor” in case you missed it. 

I also think that I am fairly laid back.  I don’t let much upset me, and I’m not easily offended or hurt. So when something DOES upset me or hurt my feelings, I very rarely even say anything.  Usually my facial expressions betray me, but I’ve even got a better hand on that in my old age.  If I actually admit out loud to someone that I am angry at them, or upset, or my feelings are hurt, it’s a pretty big deal.  Which is why I am so astounded that people can just pretend that entire conversations never happened, without any resolution at all. 

If I finally gather the strength to say to someone…I’m not going to pretend like this doesn’t hurt my feelings anymore.  I feel like you do not make this issue in our friendship a priority, and that not only hurts my feelings, but it makes me think you really have no idea how selfish you can be….how can that person just wait a while, and then try to carry on a conversation with that just hanging out there?!?!  That hurts almost as much as the whole thing did in the first place, because it tells me that the person STILL doesn’t understand that this is serious to me, and they’ve moved on. 

Well you know what?  That’s just not good enough.  I deserve more than that.  I deserve a sincere apology, and it wouldn’t hurt for that person to acknowledge that they have gone out of their way in the past for other “less important” friends, all the while just assuming I would handle being snubbed because we are so “close”.  I’m putting it out there, mostly so it’s not lodged in my chest like a 13 pound bowling ball.  My feelings are hurt.  The “reasons” and “explanations” no longer hold water.   I can provide specific examples if that’s what it takes.  I don’t typically “keep score” but this has been going on for so long, I have examples.  Plural.

I feel better for having written this down.  If you are reading this and thinking that maybe you owe a friend an apology, or a phone call, or a visit….let this be the kick in the pants you need to pony up.  Friendship is a two way street…if you’ve been on cruise control for a while, maybe it’s time to kick it into drive.

Even If It Breaks Your Heart.

About two months ago, I looked up from my life, on a day that was no different than any other and realized (much like when you are 15) that I had a crush on someone.  A total school girl, change-the-route-you-take-to-chemistry-class crush.  I can’t even tell you the last time that happened to me.  It was so out of the blue, and EXACTLY like high school, it knocked me off my feet.

I spent about a month obsessing over it.  I spent about a week trying to do something about it.  Then I spent a day…let’s call it “gathering information” (sounds less psycho that internet stalking).  I spend about 10 minutes determining there was too much potential drama involved for it to be worth it.

I spent the next week or so getting the butterflies any time I might happen to cross paths (which happened a little less frequently after I stopped “accidentally” running in to him), but all the while reminding myself of the myriad of reasons I should avoid it.  And I got to about 80% over it.

Then, yesterday, I looked up from my otherwise normal day, and realized (much like when I was 15) I still had this impossible crush!!!  I just can’t shake it.  I know it’s bad for me.  I know there’s probably nothing there anyway.  I just can NOT let it go!  I don’t WANT to let it go.  I melt!  What’s a girl to do?