The WHY Factor.

Rashaad and I had a heart to heart this morning….it was measurement day.  This weight loss/fitness journey has been filled with ups and downs.  It’s been one year since I joined the gym, and signed up for personal training.  If you had asked me then why I did it, and if you asked me now, I would not have an answer for you.  I really don’t know what propelled me into the gym in the first place.  Then, I lost a few pounds and began to think that maybe I could be successful at this.  A few months went by.  At the end of the summer, I was kicked in the gut by circumstance, and it made me angry.  Not just angry, but infuriated.  And I used the fury as a motivator.  Fury, and revenge.  I upped the training session to two times a week, and since I was emotionally jacked up anyway, I was eating way less.  That showed big results.  Then come the holidays.  I promised myself I wouldn’t slack, but I did.  It’s been really hard getting back into the swing after the holidays…I’ve gained a few pounds/inches back, and I’ve lost the edge I got from being completely pissed at circumstance.  Rashaad said I need to find the reason why I want to do this.  I have to remind myself WHY.  Then I can set small goals.

The trouble is, I’m a complete mess.  Something inside me is broken.  Or maybe it just never existed.  Discipline.  I does NOT haz it.  My house is a mess.  My car is a mess.  My emotions are a mess.  My finances are a mess.  Until very recently, work was a mess.  I really don’t know what it feels like to be driven, even driven to small responsibilities, like running the dishwasher, or putting away laundry.  Do I really not have these skills, or are the beaten down by depression?  Can I learn them?  Are they teachable?  It’s all very overwhelming.  I know I sleep entirely too much.  But what’s to stop me?  I need to break the cycle, and take control of my life, one piece at a time.  Rationally, I know this.  It’s the implementation that I can never get to. 

“They” say you can’t find happiness until you truly love/accept yourself.  Right now, there is very little I find likeable about me.  I really believe that this is true, and it makes me even more sad, because I can’t figure out how to get there.  It’s like I can see the path, right in front of me.  I know exactly what steps I need to take to accomplish an orderly life.  Every now and then I take off down the path, and then I right face first into this invisible wall that blocks the path, and give up.  Over and over and over again. 

I need to figure out how to get past the wall.  Until then, I don’t know WHY I am going to the gym.  I don’t know WHY I leave trash in my car.  I don’t know WHY there are dirty dishes in my sink.  I don’t know WHY I live paycheck to paycheck.  I want to stop doing these things…I just don’t know how.