So I'm several weeks into being 35, and so far, I'm not impressed. In fact, I am so unimpressed, I have already completely forgotten it even happened. Thirty three was just an OK year, 34 pretty much sucked in every way possible...so I really had huge hopes for 35. Maybe I need to lower my standards. Or maybe I just need a plan. Apparently awesome lives don't just...happen, which if you ask me is total bull shit since I don't remember anyone telling me when I was a kid that having a happy successful life was completely dependant on a plan of action and how I conducted myself....hang on, phone is ringing. (Insert teacher noises from Peanuts here). That was my mom calling to quote that wall hanging she bought me as a kid again. Words that are permanently etched into my brain, but apparently I've never truly LISTENED to them. "Be the labor, great or small, do it well, or not at all." I'm pretty sure my mom's intent was for this to encourage me to do my very best at any task I undertook. In typical Hunter fashion, that backfired almost IMMEDIATELY. I honed in directly on the "not at all" portion of that statement, and here I stand today, as an adult who has ZERO ways to motivate herself.
My head is swimming with cliches about life and getting things done, and the like. "Money can't buy happiness" "You reap what you sow" "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up" "the early bird catches the worm" "If you don't know where to start, just pick a spot and dive in"
OK, I may have made that last one up...but maybe not. There are certain life skills that I struggle with continuously. And these are not major life skills like learning to change my own oil, or tiling my back splash. (I don't even have a back splash.) These are basic every day life skills that someone....completely and totally overwhelm me. Putting dirty clothes in a hamper. Putting clean clothes away in the dresser/closet. Doing dishes right away. Getting my mail. Sorting my mail as soon as I bring it in to the house. Vacuuming more than once a month.
The truth is...this is embarrassing to me. I let it get to a point that is completely out of hand, then I'm overwhelmed by the thought of even making a dent. When I do find the energy and motivation to actually dig in, often times I'm so far behind in so many areas, I can hardly see the difference.
I do believe that most of my sloth is a direct result of clinical depression. Traditionally, I've always been more of an anxious person than a depressive one. Lately that has changed and I do NOT like it. At all. Real life is making me want to completely shut down. I'm at the point now where I only grocery shop when I'm out of cat food or toilet paper, I only do laundry when I'm out of clean underwear and/or jeans, and I only run the dishwasher when all the glasses in the house are dirty. I haven't vacuumed in I can't tell you how long. I have a box of papers that need to be filed on the chair in my living room. I am currently sitting on my bed, looking at a laundry basket of clothes that USED to be clean, (but now are all wrinkled and messy so I will have to re wash), My suitcase (which I haven't completely unpacked from my vacation last month), random clean and dirty clothes on the floor, three empty glasses on my dresser, and empty Pepsi can, and a wastebasket full of Kleenex, since allergy season never dies in Atlanta. My bed is made, which is a new thing in the past few months....but I mean seriously.
I should be mortified to put this out there and admit that this is my life right now. And I am mortified. I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed that this is how it is. But hiding from it has not made it any better, so maybe putting it out there will spark a change.
There are so many things that I want in my life. I want to be a neat organized person who never panics when friend might drop by. I want to be on time to things. I want to be more committed to my diet and exercise. I want to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. I want to come home after work and smile when I walk into my house. But I must not REALLY want these things, or I would do them, right? The only way I can describe it is this: I'm standing at the edge of my own life, as I want it to be. As it SHOULD be. I can see it clearly. However, when I take a step forward to enter it, I walk in to a clear pane of glass that is preventing me from getting there. I need to smash that glass. I need to figure out how to make that glass wall that is holding me back crumble.
Anybody have a hammer?
I haven't found mine yet...but I think the key lies in making a chart of all the things I need to do, combined with all the things I want to do. Then breaking those things down into a schedule and adding in more and more a little at a time might just be the secret weapon....
No comments:
Post a Comment