Wanting

Have you ever been walking around, minding your own business, having what could actually be a pretty good day, and then POW!  One sentence ruins it all?  That just happened to me.  And now I actually feel stupid.  And confused.  And embarrassed.  But mostly stupid.  What made me think that I could be anything other than what I already am?  Oh sure, I can maybe amp up who and what I am…wear nicer clothes, spend time on my hair and make up, even exercise.  But I will never be the girl with the clean car, and the perfect mani/pedi, and the bed that’s made every day.  I will never be “serene” or “demure”.  Actually, it’s unlikely I will ever pass for a “lady”.  I will never have a nice nest egg, I will never be wearing matching bra and underwear.  I AM NOT JACKIE.  I am nothing like Jackie.  Pretending to be, or trying to be doesn’t change anything.  It gives you a false sense of self.  It makes you think you can be someone you aren’t.  It’s exhausting.

I think that maybe this is as good as it gets.  And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with things the way they are.  I am strong and capable.  I can support myself.  I have some friends, many close friends that are far away, and a few friends here in Georgia.  I am healthy, for the most part.  So maybe wanting more is being selfish.  I am so blessed in so many ways.  Maybe wanting more is just asking too much.  Maybe thinking you can have more, have everything you want, is unreasonable.

I’m afraid that if I don’t accept my lot in life, I will become bitter, or disappointed.  At what point do you just stop and say…”I have enough.  I have plenty.”?  When do you say…”You can no longer let me down, because I don’t expect anything from you.”?