Getting it out of my head.

I am making a conscious decision to be happy.  I am not going to yearn for the tings I don't have, and I'm not going to feel bad just because it's easy.  I'm going to move forward and allow myself to experience something amazing.  In order to do that, I have to clear the negative out of my head.

I've always been a music person.  I'm not one of those music people who know obscure facts about little known indie bands or anything, but I know what I like, and when I hear something I can relate to, it sticks with me.  I'm not a poet, or even a very deep thinker, but lyrics to songs tell my story.  For a while now, these are the lyrics that have been bouncing around in my head.  I figure, if I put them somewhere else, I can make room in my head for newer more positive thoughts/emotions/lyrics.  With that in mind, here they are, and I'm not hearing them any more after this:

"You took your time with the call, I took no time with the fall, you gave me nothing at all, but still you’re in my way.

You can’t expect me to be fine, I don’t expect you to care….I know I’ve said it before but all of our bridges burned down.

You gotta lotta luggage in your name…

I gave it everything I had, and everything I got was bad. 

Behind every woman scorned, is a man who made her that way.

When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell.  Truth be told, I miss you…..truth be told I’m LYIN’.

I guess the change in my pocket wasn’t enough….I’m like f*ck you and f*ck her too.

My reflection, dirty mirror, there’s no connection to myself.

Afraid of change, afraid of stayin’ the same….

It won’t take much for me to show ‘em my life ain’t over yet.  I wake up scared, I wake up strange, I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change..

I’ll never be lonely, if I could get this right.

You said there would be a right time, don’t let it pass me by…

I’m just lookin for the way to get to satisfied, I said it’s just a little down the road from sadness.  Nothin’s wrong, but nothin’s right.

She screams in silence…waiting for a sign to smash the silence with a brick of self control.  She’s figured out, all her doubts were someone else’s point of view.

You sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.

It’s so loud inside my head, with words that I should have said.  As I drown in my regret, I can’t take back the words I never said….

It’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again, and I can’t take it, I can’t shake it.

Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone.

I been goin back and forth
One day south the next day north
This road that I’ve been traveling is littered with confusion, doubt and sin

You are sultry, dirty, soft and hard

You are close to me and you’re so far

And I’m thinking of the time we spent together

Now I’ll bury this in my backyard

Sometimes I sit and wonder

But I’ll never dial your number

I just wanna be with you
I just wanna hold you one more time or maybe two
I just wanna be with you ‘cause I’m a fool

I've never walked away from the things I've wanted
I've never walked away, but I think I'm going to
This time

You are getting heavy to hold…think I’ll be letting you go

You Gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight, cause tears are going nowhere baby.

You’ve got to get yourself together, you’ve got yourself stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it.

Start livin’ your life, on the double,  leave your troubles behind…you and me we’re going to be all right.

He’s everything you want, he’s everything you need, but he means nothing to you and you don’t know why.

Tomorrow’s just an excuse away.

You blame yourself for what you can’t ignore.  You blame yourself for wanting more.

I know I’ll make it, love can last forever…

Keep on dreamin even if it breaks your heart."

This Is The Year!!

So as it turns out, Bob was COMPLETELY correct.  I should have listened.  I didn’t, and I got hurt.  The past 6 weeks or so have been more emotionally hellish that anything I have experienced in a very long time.  On the one hand, it’s good to know I can still feel.  On the other hand, sometimes feeling sucks.  Its random bad luck that the first time I’ve risked opening myself up in such a long time ended up so shitty, but what’s done is done.  My focus the past few weeks has been to make just one good decision at a time.  I can’t worry about 10 years from now, or a year from now, or next month, next week, tomorrow, or even the next hour.  I’m living moment to moment, really listening to my mind, and forcing one good decision at a time to be the result. 

You would think that since I am in my mid-thirties, I would be better equipped to make good decisions, but it is still something I struggle with daily.  I have strong life forces fighting me.  I have an overdeveloped sense of independence.  I have a crazy need for instant gratification.  I’m lazy as fuck.  Trying to convince a person with those characteristics to do things like wait to order that book until you can make it a treat, or waiting patiently and trusting that God will deliver to you what you are impatient for, or even doing the dishes the same night you dirty them can be impossible.  News about a job, a special person in your life, self-esteem…all of those things should be put to God and prayed about.  I am really struggling with that at this juncture though. 

The funny thing is I’ve been doing more things to help myself that I have in YEARS, and I am less confident now than I was two years ago.  Well, that’s not really true, I was probably just as afraid then as I am now, but because I never went out on a limb, no one noticed.  All I know is, I am four days into my 34^th year, and I’m not going to let it pass me by.  I am going to actively participate in this year of my life.  I’ve said on Facebook that THIS IS THE YEAR!!  I’m not sure what that means yet.  I’m looking at it as though something monumental will happen.  But it will only happen if I am present in my life.

One decision at a time, focused on the positive outcome I am waiting for….this will DEFINITELY be the year.

I Call It Bob.

The little voice inside your head.  I call mine Bob.  I don't really know why, especially because it's a girl voice, but whatever, I can call it whatever I want.  You may be surprised to know that Bob is very loud.  When I was younger, Bob had to practically scream to be heard.  I was very willful and stubborn back then.  I made a lot of rash decisions in the heat of the moment and for reasons that had nothing at all to do with what was BEST.  Instead, they most often were based on what I most wanted.  A laptop computer when I was 20, even though I lived at home, and only went to school part time?  Absolutely.  And that bad boy better cost like three grand.  New car?  Yep.  Gotta have it.  No, not that one, I want the purple one with the stick shift and the sunroof.  So what if I don't know how to drive a stick?  Trips, clothes, you name it.  Bob would also try very hard to get my attention when I was about to do something emotionally foolish as well.  And more often than not, I ignored that bastard and did what I wanted to do, with mixed results. 

As I get older, Bob doesn't have to yell quite so loud.  I'm less impulsive.  Don't get me wrong, when I want something, I still can be pretty stubborn.  That said, I'm much more selective about what is worth standing my ground for.  Plus, I listen to Bob now.  When Bob says...you know, you really shouldn't buy those shoes, you don[t have anything to wear them with and you could save that money... listen.  Most of the time.  When I am about to say something to my mom that might be in the heat of an argument, I may not say it.  If I do, I can usually apologize much more quickly.  So...when Bob started screaming at me a bit ago, why didn't I listen?

Say for example, someone places an apple and a piece of cake before you, and you are hungry, Bob will probably tell you to eat the apple.  Either way, you are hungry, and food satisfies you.  But - say you are hungry, and the only thing in front of you is this perfect pastry.  It's perfect.  Your favorite flavor, beautiful to look at, but it's behind a pane of glass, and tied to a brick.  There is no other option.  You can try to get at it.  But there's Bob, telling you that it's more trouble than it's worth, you probably won't be able to get at it anyway.  "Even if you do get at it," says Bob, "it's REALLY bad for you.  You can't see this, but the filling will make you sick.  I'm telling you..STAY AWAY from the pastry."  But you are hungry...you haven't eaten in a while, and you like pastries, and it looks heavenly.  There's Bob.."I'm telling you.  You really do NOT want to eat that.  It's going to go right to your hips, and you will have to work to get rid of it for a long time.  Better to just ignore it, and soon a salad or something will show up".

I'd like to say, that as a mature adult, I ignored the pastry.  But I didn't.  Even though every cell in my body has been telling me for months that I should keep walking, don't even LOOK at the pastry.  Don't pick the pastry up.  Don't try to take the pastry home.  I tried to claw my way through the glass and eat the fucking pastry.  Sure enough...Bob was right.

While this could easily truly be about apples and pastries, it's actually a metaphor for something I am dealing with in my life.  It's only one of the challenges I am juggling right now, but it's the one that is causing the most immediate and pronounced pain.  I let the pretty display distract me from the fact that inside, it's just a fatty, high calorie mess, sure to make me feel worse about eating it than I did when I was just hungry.  And now here I am, knowing that not only was I unable to break through the glass, the pastry still sits there, beckoning, and I have to walk away from it.  I have to force myself to keep thinking how I really don't even want it.  Even though it may go on sale.  The glass my come down.  Hell, someone might buy the thing and put it on my desk.  I can not eat it.  Bob was right.  It is toxic.

I'm still hungry.  It could take a while for something nutritious to come my way.  When it does, it probably won't be as pretty as the pastry.  It might, but either way, it will be all filled with vegetables and vitamins, and that's the important part.  It will feed my hunger AND nourish my body.  I just have to be patient.

Bob, if you know so much...tell me how to get rid of the image of the pastry!!!!

Here's What's Bouncing Around In My Head

I'm sitting here watching a show about Vlad the Impaler, and trying to be interested, but it's pretty dull.  I've had a bunch of random and completely unrelated thoughts today, and I figured, why not put them down here, in case I eventually come up with answers and/or input someday.

1. I hate pine straw.  For you Northerners, pine straw is just dead pine needles.  Up north, when you have flower beds or landscapes areas around trees and signs, etc, we cover that with mulch.  Down here, they rake up all the dead pine needles and pile it on.  It's ugly, a fire hazard, and is perfect nesting ground for spiders.
2. Klean Karz is awesome.  My car is so clean, it feels almost new inside.  Of course, it won't last, but it's nice to pretend for a while.
3. Speaking of cars, I really, really need to have my car serviced.  It needs to have the brakes checked and the a/c looked at, and an oil change.  The problem is that this results in me having to sit at the car repair place all day waiting.  I hate waiting.
4. People continue to surprise me.  Just when I think I have stuff all figured out, a monkey wrench gets thrown in the mix.  I guess that's what keeps life interesting right?  The good thing is that as I get older, I get wiser.  I am much more likely to just flat out ask someone what's up rather than try to guess.  It's a nice change.  Even if you get an answer you don't necessarily want, at least you aren't fussing over the what ifs anymore.
5. I continue to surprise myself.  I really felt this past week and the week before that I was starting to actually feel muscles being used that I normally don't.  I don't know that I've lost any weight and/or inches (I will find out tomorrow) but I feel a little teeny bit healthier.  Now if I could get the diet under control, I'd be golden.  It's not terrible, I've been much worse, but it can always be better, right?

All in all, the last two weeks have been challenging.  I've been emotionally exhausted.  I think going to San Francisco for a few days really helped clear my head.  It was a nice change of scenery, and it was also nice to focus completely on one task, rather than having all this free time for my mind to wander.  I had really wanted to go home for 4th of July week if I wasn't having guests, but the tickets are just too expensive to make it a good decision.  So I have a five day break coming my way...now I just need to find ways to fill the time.  Taking suggestions...

Wanting

Have you ever been walking around, minding your own business, having what could actually be a pretty good day, and then POW!  One sentence ruins it all?  That just happened to me.  And now I actually feel stupid.  And confused.  And embarrassed.  But mostly stupid.  What made me think that I could be anything other than what I already am?  Oh sure, I can maybe amp up who and what I am…wear nicer clothes, spend time on my hair and make up, even exercise.  But I will never be the girl with the clean car, and the perfect mani/pedi, and the bed that’s made every day.  I will never be “serene” or “demure”.  Actually, it’s unlikely I will ever pass for a “lady”.  I will never have a nice nest egg, I will never be wearing matching bra and underwear.  I AM NOT JACKIE.  I am nothing like Jackie.  Pretending to be, or trying to be doesn’t change anything.  It gives you a false sense of self.  It makes you think you can be someone you aren’t.  It’s exhausting.

I think that maybe this is as good as it gets.  And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with things the way they are.  I am strong and capable.  I can support myself.  I have some friends, many close friends that are far away, and a few friends here in Georgia.  I am healthy, for the most part.  So maybe wanting more is being selfish.  I am so blessed in so many ways.  Maybe wanting more is just asking too much.  Maybe thinking you can have more, have everything you want, is unreasonable.

I’m afraid that if I don’t accept my lot in life, I will become bitter, or disappointed.  At what point do you just stop and say…”I have enough.  I have plenty.”?  When do you say…”You can no longer let me down, because I don’t expect anything from you.”?

Putting on The Brakes

In my younger days, holding a grudge was kind of my specialty.  As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that it often times just takes way to much energy.  That said…I would argue that there is a big difference between letting go of an issue that’s been resolved, and just plain pretending something never happened, especially if the issue is not resolved. 

My mom is really able to bounce back….if we have a minor disagreement, she is perfectly able to talk to me a few hours later as if it never even happened.  The key word in that sentence was “minor” in case you missed it. 

I also think that I am fairly laid back.  I don’t let much upset me, and I’m not easily offended or hurt. So when something DOES upset me or hurt my feelings, I very rarely even say anything.  Usually my facial expressions betray me, but I’ve even got a better hand on that in my old age.  If I actually admit out loud to someone that I am angry at them, or upset, or my feelings are hurt, it’s a pretty big deal.  Which is why I am so astounded that people can just pretend that entire conversations never happened, without any resolution at all. 

If I finally gather the strength to say to someone…I’m not going to pretend like this doesn’t hurt my feelings anymore.  I feel like you do not make this issue in our friendship a priority, and that not only hurts my feelings, but it makes me think you really have no idea how selfish you can be….how can that person just wait a while, and then try to carry on a conversation with that just hanging out there?!?!  That hurts almost as much as the whole thing did in the first place, because it tells me that the person STILL doesn’t understand that this is serious to me, and they’ve moved on. 

Well you know what?  That’s just not good enough.  I deserve more than that.  I deserve a sincere apology, and it wouldn’t hurt for that person to acknowledge that they have gone out of their way in the past for other “less important” friends, all the while just assuming I would handle being snubbed because we are so “close”.  I’m putting it out there, mostly so it’s not lodged in my chest like a 13 pound bowling ball.  My feelings are hurt.  The “reasons” and “explanations” no longer hold water.   I can provide specific examples if that’s what it takes.  I don’t typically “keep score” but this has been going on for so long, I have examples.  Plural.

I feel better for having written this down.  If you are reading this and thinking that maybe you owe a friend an apology, or a phone call, or a visit….let this be the kick in the pants you need to pony up.  Friendship is a two way street…if you’ve been on cruise control for a while, maybe it’s time to kick it into drive.

Even If It Breaks Your Heart.

About two months ago, I looked up from my life, on a day that was no different than any other and realized (much like when you are 15) that I had a crush on someone.  A total school girl, change-the-route-you-take-to-chemistry-class crush.  I can’t even tell you the last time that happened to me.  It was so out of the blue, and EXACTLY like high school, it knocked me off my feet.

I spent about a month obsessing over it.  I spent about a week trying to do something about it.  Then I spent a day…let’s call it “gathering information” (sounds less psycho that internet stalking).  I spend about 10 minutes determining there was too much potential drama involved for it to be worth it.

I spent the next week or so getting the butterflies any time I might happen to cross paths (which happened a little less frequently after I stopped “accidentally” running in to him), but all the while reminding myself of the myriad of reasons I should avoid it.  And I got to about 80% over it.

Then, yesterday, I looked up from my otherwise normal day, and realized (much like when I was 15) I still had this impossible crush!!!  I just can’t shake it.  I know it’s bad for me.  I know there’s probably nothing there anyway.  I just can NOT let it go!  I don’t WANT to let it go.  I melt!  What’s a girl to do?