And it goes like "Hey....."

So I'm several weeks into being 35, and so far, I'm not impressed.  In fact, I am so unimpressed, I have already completely forgotten it even happened.  Thirty three was just an OK year, 34 pretty much sucked in every way possible...so I really had huge hopes for 35.  Maybe I need to lower my standards.  Or maybe I just need a plan.  Apparently awesome lives don't just...happen, which if you ask me is total bull shit since I don't remember anyone telling me when I was a kid that having a happy successful life was completely dependant on a plan of action and how I conducted myself....hang on, phone is ringing.  (Insert teacher noises from Peanuts here).  That was my mom calling to quote that wall hanging she bought me as a kid again.  Words that are permanently etched into my brain, but apparently I've never truly LISTENED to them. "Be the labor, great or small, do it well, or not at all."  I'm pretty sure my mom's intent was for this to encourage me to do my very best at any task I undertook.  In typical Hunter fashion, that backfired almost IMMEDIATELY.  I honed in directly on the "not at all" portion of that statement, and here I stand today, as an adult who has ZERO ways to motivate herself.

My head is swimming with cliches about life and getting things done, and the like.  "Money can't buy happiness" "You reap what you sow"  "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up"  "the early bird catches the worm" "If you don't know where to start, just pick a spot and dive in"

OK, I may have made that last one up...but maybe not.  There are certain life skills that I struggle with continuously.  And these are not major life skills like learning to change my own oil, or tiling my back splash.  (I don't even have a back splash.)  These are basic every day life skills that someone....completely and totally overwhelm me.  Putting dirty clothes in a hamper.  Putting clean clothes away in the dresser/closet.  Doing dishes right away.  Getting my mail.  Sorting my mail as soon as I bring it in to the house.  Vacuuming more than once a month.

The truth is...this is embarrassing to me.  I let it get to a point that is completely out of hand, then I'm overwhelmed by the thought of even making a dent.  When I do find the energy and motivation to actually dig in, often times I'm so far behind in so many areas, I can hardly see the difference.

I do believe that most of my sloth is a direct result of clinical depression.  Traditionally, I've always been more of an anxious person than a depressive one.  Lately that has changed and I do NOT like it.  At all.  Real life is making me want to completely shut down.  I'm at the point now where I only grocery shop when I'm out of cat food or toilet paper, I only do laundry when I'm out of clean underwear and/or jeans, and I only run the dishwasher when all the glasses in the house are dirty.  I haven't vacuumed in I can't tell you how long.  I have a box of papers that need to be filed on the chair in my living room.  I am currently sitting on my bed, looking at a laundry basket of clothes that USED to be clean, (but now are all wrinkled and messy so I will have to re wash), My suitcase (which I haven't completely unpacked from my vacation last month), random clean and dirty clothes on the floor, three empty glasses on my dresser, and empty Pepsi can, and a wastebasket full of Kleenex, since allergy season never dies in Atlanta.  My bed is made, which is a new thing in the past few months....but I mean seriously.

I should be mortified to put this out there and admit that this is my life right now.  And I am mortified.  I'm ashamed.  I'm embarrassed that this is how it is.  But hiding from it has not made it any better, so maybe putting it out there will spark a change.

There are so many things that I want in my life.  I want to be a neat organized person who never panics when  friend might drop by.  I want to be on time to things.  I want to be more committed to my diet and exercise.  I want to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed.  I want to come home after work and smile when I walk into my house.  But I must not REALLY want these things, or I would do them, right?  The only way I can describe it is this:  I'm standing at the edge of my own life, as I want it to be.  As it SHOULD be.  I can see it clearly.  However, when I take a step forward to enter it, I walk in to a clear pane of glass that is preventing me from getting there.  I need to smash that glass.  I need to figure out how to make that glass wall that is holding me back crumble.

Anybody have a hammer?

I haven't found mine yet...but I think the key lies in making a chart of all the things I need to do, combined with all the things I want to do.  Then breaking those things down into a schedule and adding in more and more a little at a time might just be the secret weapon....  

Defining the Word "Manager"

man·ag·er [man-i-jer]

noun

1.a person who has control or direction of an institution, business, etc., or of a part, division, or phaseof it.

2.a person who manages: the manager of our track team.

3.a person who controls and manipulates resources and expenditures, as of a household.

I’ve been struggling a little at work the past two weeks.  I’ve got a new client, and for the most part, I’m learning to love my job again.  I’m more engaged and organized than I have been in a long time.  That said, the past few weeks a number of smaller internal jams that have just been irritating, like a splinter under my skin.

My initial reaction to all of these separate incidents was anger, and annoyance, and resentment when ultimately the “blame” or maybe more accurately the final responsibility, always ended square in my lap, even when I had placed my trust in my coworkers to do their jobs without me hounding them, or hanging on their shoulder.

I’ve been fuming, and really jacked that even when other people fail to complete their tasks, I am being held accountable and they are not.  I was feeling like I shouldn’t have to be chasing down my own people.  It’s one thing to have to herd clients, in my mind, that’s my primary duty.  Herd (read: guide) clients through the process.  What I have since realized in what can only be described as a major moment of clarity, is that my job title is “Account Manager”.  My focus has always primarily been on the “account” portion of that title.  I’ve never given a single thought to the “manager” portion.  But now, here, in this moment, I realized….if I am MANAGING the account, then my job really is herding my own people.  My job, as manager of what happens on this account, is to MANAGE all the people that touch it.  Internal AND external. 

So: what does this mean in terms of my life?  Well, obviously, Rome wasn’t built in a day.  But something fundamental in my outlook has changed.  I’ve always been a team player…a don’t rock the boat, toe the company line kinda girl.  When I look around at the people that I consider being truly good at what they do here…they might not be everyone’s favorite coworker.  But that is because they chase down their stuff.  They MANAGE their projects, and the people that touch them. 

I’m making a checklist.  I currently have a project related checklist…things like estimate the costs.  Update budgets.  Submit forms on such-and-such date.  My new checklist is full of the things I never thought were “my job”.  Follow up on requests that are taking longer than usual.  Ask to see contents being packed in a box before it gets shipped.  And if that makes me a little less beloved, well….sorry.  I’m tired of having my butt on the hot seat. 

  

The WHY Factor.

Rashaad and I had a heart to heart this morning….it was measurement day.  This weight loss/fitness journey has been filled with ups and downs.  It’s been one year since I joined the gym, and signed up for personal training.  If you had asked me then why I did it, and if you asked me now, I would not have an answer for you.  I really don’t know what propelled me into the gym in the first place.  Then, I lost a few pounds and began to think that maybe I could be successful at this.  A few months went by.  At the end of the summer, I was kicked in the gut by circumstance, and it made me angry.  Not just angry, but infuriated.  And I used the fury as a motivator.  Fury, and revenge.  I upped the training session to two times a week, and since I was emotionally jacked up anyway, I was eating way less.  That showed big results.  Then come the holidays.  I promised myself I wouldn’t slack, but I did.  It’s been really hard getting back into the swing after the holidays…I’ve gained a few pounds/inches back, and I’ve lost the edge I got from being completely pissed at circumstance.  Rashaad said I need to find the reason why I want to do this.  I have to remind myself WHY.  Then I can set small goals.

The trouble is, I’m a complete mess.  Something inside me is broken.  Or maybe it just never existed.  Discipline.  I does NOT haz it.  My house is a mess.  My car is a mess.  My emotions are a mess.  My finances are a mess.  Until very recently, work was a mess.  I really don’t know what it feels like to be driven, even driven to small responsibilities, like running the dishwasher, or putting away laundry.  Do I really not have these skills, or are the beaten down by depression?  Can I learn them?  Are they teachable?  It’s all very overwhelming.  I know I sleep entirely too much.  But what’s to stop me?  I need to break the cycle, and take control of my life, one piece at a time.  Rationally, I know this.  It’s the implementation that I can never get to. 

“They” say you can’t find happiness until you truly love/accept yourself.  Right now, there is very little I find likeable about me.  I really believe that this is true, and it makes me even more sad, because I can’t figure out how to get there.  It’s like I can see the path, right in front of me.  I know exactly what steps I need to take to accomplish an orderly life.  Every now and then I take off down the path, and then I right face first into this invisible wall that blocks the path, and give up.  Over and over and over again. 

I need to figure out how to get past the wall.  Until then, I don’t know WHY I am going to the gym.  I don’t know WHY I leave trash in my car.  I don’t know WHY there are dirty dishes in my sink.  I don’t know WHY I live paycheck to paycheck.  I want to stop doing these things…I just don’t know how.    

In My Next Life, I Want to be Lena Dunham.

Is that too much to ask?  Here's the rub...many of the succesful women I want to be are like 10 years younger than me.  So I am WAY behind the curve. 

I think figuring out what you want from life might be the hardest part of adulthood.  All those years growing up, people tell you that you can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it.  One of the reasons I should probably never have kids is that secretly, I don't think that is true.  I can't imagine trying to tell my kid that the sky is the limit if I hear them singing and they suck.

One of my biggest fears is that by the time I figure out what it is that I REALLY want to do, it will be too late.  I love history...do I want to go back to school and study history like I originally intended?  Become an archivist, or a preservationist?  Or do I want to travel?  Do I want to get married?  Give up my worldly posessions and move to the beach and tend bar?  I don't know.  Write a book?  Play music?  Cook?  My head is swimming.

The other thing that is so disturbing about this is that when I look around at my friends, I'm not sure that most of them have figured it out either.  What are we waiting for?

What. Are. We. Waiting. For.

Week 1: The Year in Review (Thus far...)

I'm making resolutions.  I typically do, and I never follow though with them, but I'm making different types of resolutions this year.  I'm hoping that these more insightful, broad-stroke resolutions are not only more achievable, but more inspiring than my typical ones.  Being that "This is the Year". the year of the Unicorn no less, I am really focused on making good decisions, and positive life changes.

Challenge Number One:  Getting (and staying) Fit. 
I started this last year, actually without a whole lot of thought.  I just one day decided to join the gym.  And then I had a free training session, and felt so bad after it was over, I realized I had no choice.  Last year, I lost about 25 pounds (30, but gained five back during the Holidays...) without doing really anything different EXCEPT working out.  I didn't change the way I eat at all, and I really didn't even break my back with the workouts either.  Once or twice a week with the trainer, and most of the time, that was it.  If we're being honest, I probably drank more beer last year than I ever have in my life.  So, it should be easy to kick that up a level.  Smarter decisions about what I eat (so long, Papa John's pizza night), a few extra workouts a week (hello, showering at the gym every morning *yuk*) and I should be able to reach my overall weight loss goal this year for sure.  When I do, no one can take that away from me but me.

Challenge Number Two: Money Management
I wanted to do this last year, and I made some changes in order to do so, but I really need to kick this into high gear.  Setting and keeping a budget, saving as much as possible, cleaning up my credit report are essential, because I want to own my own place.  Nothing would make me more proud than to be able to say I bought my own house, with no help from anyone else.  This will require DAILY attention to the little details, and serious discipline for me.  Maybe even a harder task than the getting and staying fit challenge.  I'm going to try though.

Challenge Number Three: Focus and Dedication (at work and at home)
I tend to get lazy.  Very lazy, very easily.  I have a new client, so fresh focus and dedication along with excitement in general will bring zest back into my work life.  I need to create a laser like focus to make sure I am at my best.  At home, I let things slide...dishes in the sink, laundry in the hamper...clutter on the dining room table.  This can no longer continue.

If there is something that I learned last year, it's that relying on someone else to provide you with your happiness.  Taking care of your body, your financial life, your space, is not only rewarding, and it build character.  Would I love to have a wealthy man in my life, so I could have a nicer house, a nicer car, an easier time paying bills?  Sure. The truth though is that having someone else supply those things for you takes away your self confidence.  I want to be able to say "I lost the weight."  "I bought this house."  "I aced that event."  Maybe not everyone needs that validation, to know they can do it by themselves.  Maybe some people get validation from other people.  I'm not going to judge.  I just know that for me, I'd rather know that if everything went to shit, and I were left all alone in this world, I could survive, and even thrive.

Getting it out of my head.

I am making a conscious decision to be happy.  I am not going to yearn for the tings I don't have, and I'm not going to feel bad just because it's easy.  I'm going to move forward and allow myself to experience something amazing.  In order to do that, I have to clear the negative out of my head.

I've always been a music person.  I'm not one of those music people who know obscure facts about little known indie bands or anything, but I know what I like, and when I hear something I can relate to, it sticks with me.  I'm not a poet, or even a very deep thinker, but lyrics to songs tell my story.  For a while now, these are the lyrics that have been bouncing around in my head.  I figure, if I put them somewhere else, I can make room in my head for newer more positive thoughts/emotions/lyrics.  With that in mind, here they are, and I'm not hearing them any more after this:

"You took your time with the call, I took no time with the fall, you gave me nothing at all, but still you’re in my way.

You can’t expect me to be fine, I don’t expect you to care….I know I’ve said it before but all of our bridges burned down.

You gotta lotta luggage in your name…

I gave it everything I had, and everything I got was bad. 

Behind every woman scorned, is a man who made her that way.

When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell.  Truth be told, I miss you…..truth be told I’m LYIN’.

I guess the change in my pocket wasn’t enough….I’m like f*ck you and f*ck her too.

My reflection, dirty mirror, there’s no connection to myself.

Afraid of change, afraid of stayin’ the same….

It won’t take much for me to show ‘em my life ain’t over yet.  I wake up scared, I wake up strange, I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change..

I’ll never be lonely, if I could get this right.

You said there would be a right time, don’t let it pass me by…

I’m just lookin for the way to get to satisfied, I said it’s just a little down the road from sadness.  Nothin’s wrong, but nothin’s right.

She screams in silence…waiting for a sign to smash the silence with a brick of self control.  She’s figured out, all her doubts were someone else’s point of view.

You sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.

It’s so loud inside my head, with words that I should have said.  As I drown in my regret, I can’t take back the words I never said….

It’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again, and I can’t take it, I can’t shake it.

Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone.

I been goin back and forth
One day south the next day north
This road that I’ve been traveling is littered with confusion, doubt and sin

You are sultry, dirty, soft and hard

You are close to me and you’re so far

And I’m thinking of the time we spent together

Now I’ll bury this in my backyard

Sometimes I sit and wonder

But I’ll never dial your number

I just wanna be with you
I just wanna hold you one more time or maybe two
I just wanna be with you ‘cause I’m a fool

I've never walked away from the things I've wanted
I've never walked away, but I think I'm going to
This time

You are getting heavy to hold…think I’ll be letting you go

You Gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight, cause tears are going nowhere baby.

You’ve got to get yourself together, you’ve got yourself stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it.

Start livin’ your life, on the double,  leave your troubles behind…you and me we’re going to be all right.

He’s everything you want, he’s everything you need, but he means nothing to you and you don’t know why.

Tomorrow’s just an excuse away.

You blame yourself for what you can’t ignore.  You blame yourself for wanting more.

I know I’ll make it, love can last forever…

Keep on dreamin even if it breaks your heart."

This Is The Year!!

So as it turns out, Bob was COMPLETELY correct.  I should have listened.  I didn’t, and I got hurt.  The past 6 weeks or so have been more emotionally hellish that anything I have experienced in a very long time.  On the one hand, it’s good to know I can still feel.  On the other hand, sometimes feeling sucks.  Its random bad luck that the first time I’ve risked opening myself up in such a long time ended up so shitty, but what’s done is done.  My focus the past few weeks has been to make just one good decision at a time.  I can’t worry about 10 years from now, or a year from now, or next month, next week, tomorrow, or even the next hour.  I’m living moment to moment, really listening to my mind, and forcing one good decision at a time to be the result. 

You would think that since I am in my mid-thirties, I would be better equipped to make good decisions, but it is still something I struggle with daily.  I have strong life forces fighting me.  I have an overdeveloped sense of independence.  I have a crazy need for instant gratification.  I’m lazy as fuck.  Trying to convince a person with those characteristics to do things like wait to order that book until you can make it a treat, or waiting patiently and trusting that God will deliver to you what you are impatient for, or even doing the dishes the same night you dirty them can be impossible.  News about a job, a special person in your life, self-esteem…all of those things should be put to God and prayed about.  I am really struggling with that at this juncture though. 

The funny thing is I’ve been doing more things to help myself that I have in YEARS, and I am less confident now than I was two years ago.  Well, that’s not really true, I was probably just as afraid then as I am now, but because I never went out on a limb, no one noticed.  All I know is, I am four days into my 34^th year, and I’m not going to let it pass me by.  I am going to actively participate in this year of my life.  I’ve said on Facebook that THIS IS THE YEAR!!  I’m not sure what that means yet.  I’m looking at it as though something monumental will happen.  But it will only happen if I am present in my life.

One decision at a time, focused on the positive outcome I am waiting for….this will DEFINITELY be the year.