The WHY Factor.

Rashaad and I had a heart to heart this morning….it was measurement day.  This weight loss/fitness journey has been filled with ups and downs.  It’s been one year since I joined the gym, and signed up for personal training.  If you had asked me then why I did it, and if you asked me now, I would not have an answer for you.  I really don’t know what propelled me into the gym in the first place.  Then, I lost a few pounds and began to think that maybe I could be successful at this.  A few months went by.  At the end of the summer, I was kicked in the gut by circumstance, and it made me angry.  Not just angry, but infuriated.  And I used the fury as a motivator.  Fury, and revenge.  I upped the training session to two times a week, and since I was emotionally jacked up anyway, I was eating way less.  That showed big results.  Then come the holidays.  I promised myself I wouldn’t slack, but I did.  It’s been really hard getting back into the swing after the holidays…I’ve gained a few pounds/inches back, and I’ve lost the edge I got from being completely pissed at circumstance.  Rashaad said I need to find the reason why I want to do this.  I have to remind myself WHY.  Then I can set small goals.

The trouble is, I’m a complete mess.  Something inside me is broken.  Or maybe it just never existed.  Discipline.  I does NOT haz it.  My house is a mess.  My car is a mess.  My emotions are a mess.  My finances are a mess.  Until very recently, work was a mess.  I really don’t know what it feels like to be driven, even driven to small responsibilities, like running the dishwasher, or putting away laundry.  Do I really not have these skills, or are the beaten down by depression?  Can I learn them?  Are they teachable?  It’s all very overwhelming.  I know I sleep entirely too much.  But what’s to stop me?  I need to break the cycle, and take control of my life, one piece at a time.  Rationally, I know this.  It’s the implementation that I can never get to. 

“They” say you can’t find happiness until you truly love/accept yourself.  Right now, there is very little I find likeable about me.  I really believe that this is true, and it makes me even more sad, because I can’t figure out how to get there.  It’s like I can see the path, right in front of me.  I know exactly what steps I need to take to accomplish an orderly life.  Every now and then I take off down the path, and then I right face first into this invisible wall that blocks the path, and give up.  Over and over and over again. 

I need to figure out how to get past the wall.  Until then, I don’t know WHY I am going to the gym.  I don’t know WHY I leave trash in my car.  I don’t know WHY there are dirty dishes in my sink.  I don’t know WHY I live paycheck to paycheck.  I want to stop doing these things…I just don’t know how.    

In My Next Life, I Want to be Lena Dunham.

Is that too much to ask?  Here's the rub...many of the succesful women I want to be are like 10 years younger than me.  So I am WAY behind the curve. 

I think figuring out what you want from life might be the hardest part of adulthood.  All those years growing up, people tell you that you can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it.  One of the reasons I should probably never have kids is that secretly, I don't think that is true.  I can't imagine trying to tell my kid that the sky is the limit if I hear them singing and they suck.

One of my biggest fears is that by the time I figure out what it is that I REALLY want to do, it will be too late.  I love history...do I want to go back to school and study history like I originally intended?  Become an archivist, or a preservationist?  Or do I want to travel?  Do I want to get married?  Give up my worldly posessions and move to the beach and tend bar?  I don't know.  Write a book?  Play music?  Cook?  My head is swimming.

The other thing that is so disturbing about this is that when I look around at my friends, I'm not sure that most of them have figured it out either.  What are we waiting for?

What. Are. We. Waiting. For.

Week 1: The Year in Review (Thus far...)

I'm making resolutions.  I typically do, and I never follow though with them, but I'm making different types of resolutions this year.  I'm hoping that these more insightful, broad-stroke resolutions are not only more achievable, but more inspiring than my typical ones.  Being that "This is the Year". the year of the Unicorn no less, I am really focused on making good decisions, and positive life changes.

Challenge Number One:  Getting (and staying) Fit. 
I started this last year, actually without a whole lot of thought.  I just one day decided to join the gym.  And then I had a free training session, and felt so bad after it was over, I realized I had no choice.  Last year, I lost about 25 pounds (30, but gained five back during the Holidays...) without doing really anything different EXCEPT working out.  I didn't change the way I eat at all, and I really didn't even break my back with the workouts either.  Once or twice a week with the trainer, and most of the time, that was it.  If we're being honest, I probably drank more beer last year than I ever have in my life.  So, it should be easy to kick that up a level.  Smarter decisions about what I eat (so long, Papa John's pizza night), a few extra workouts a week (hello, showering at the gym every morning *yuk*) and I should be able to reach my overall weight loss goal this year for sure.  When I do, no one can take that away from me but me.

Challenge Number Two: Money Management
I wanted to do this last year, and I made some changes in order to do so, but I really need to kick this into high gear.  Setting and keeping a budget, saving as much as possible, cleaning up my credit report are essential, because I want to own my own place.  Nothing would make me more proud than to be able to say I bought my own house, with no help from anyone else.  This will require DAILY attention to the little details, and serious discipline for me.  Maybe even a harder task than the getting and staying fit challenge.  I'm going to try though.

Challenge Number Three: Focus and Dedication (at work and at home)
I tend to get lazy.  Very lazy, very easily.  I have a new client, so fresh focus and dedication along with excitement in general will bring zest back into my work life.  I need to create a laser like focus to make sure I am at my best.  At home, I let things slide...dishes in the sink, laundry in the hamper...clutter on the dining room table.  This can no longer continue.

If there is something that I learned last year, it's that relying on someone else to provide you with your happiness.  Taking care of your body, your financial life, your space, is not only rewarding, and it build character.  Would I love to have a wealthy man in my life, so I could have a nicer house, a nicer car, an easier time paying bills?  Sure. The truth though is that having someone else supply those things for you takes away your self confidence.  I want to be able to say "I lost the weight."  "I bought this house."  "I aced that event."  Maybe not everyone needs that validation, to know they can do it by themselves.  Maybe some people get validation from other people.  I'm not going to judge.  I just know that for me, I'd rather know that if everything went to shit, and I were left all alone in this world, I could survive, and even thrive.

Getting it out of my head.

I am making a conscious decision to be happy.  I am not going to yearn for the tings I don't have, and I'm not going to feel bad just because it's easy.  I'm going to move forward and allow myself to experience something amazing.  In order to do that, I have to clear the negative out of my head.

I've always been a music person.  I'm not one of those music people who know obscure facts about little known indie bands or anything, but I know what I like, and when I hear something I can relate to, it sticks with me.  I'm not a poet, or even a very deep thinker, but lyrics to songs tell my story.  For a while now, these are the lyrics that have been bouncing around in my head.  I figure, if I put them somewhere else, I can make room in my head for newer more positive thoughts/emotions/lyrics.  With that in mind, here they are, and I'm not hearing them any more after this:

"You took your time with the call, I took no time with the fall, you gave me nothing at all, but still you’re in my way.

You can’t expect me to be fine, I don’t expect you to care….I know I’ve said it before but all of our bridges burned down.

You gotta lotta luggage in your name…

I gave it everything I had, and everything I got was bad. 

Behind every woman scorned, is a man who made her that way.

When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, when you walk my way, hope it gives you hell.  Truth be told, I miss you…..truth be told I’m LYIN’.

I guess the change in my pocket wasn’t enough….I’m like f*ck you and f*ck her too.

My reflection, dirty mirror, there’s no connection to myself.

Afraid of change, afraid of stayin’ the same….

It won’t take much for me to show ‘em my life ain’t over yet.  I wake up scared, I wake up strange, I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change..

I’ll never be lonely, if I could get this right.

You said there would be a right time, don’t let it pass me by…

I’m just lookin for the way to get to satisfied, I said it’s just a little down the road from sadness.  Nothin’s wrong, but nothin’s right.

She screams in silence…waiting for a sign to smash the silence with a brick of self control.  She’s figured out, all her doubts were someone else’s point of view.

You sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.

It’s so loud inside my head, with words that I should have said.  As I drown in my regret, I can’t take back the words I never said….

It’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again, and I can’t take it, I can’t shake it.

Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone.

I been goin back and forth
One day south the next day north
This road that I’ve been traveling is littered with confusion, doubt and sin

You are sultry, dirty, soft and hard

You are close to me and you’re so far

And I’m thinking of the time we spent together

Now I’ll bury this in my backyard

Sometimes I sit and wonder

But I’ll never dial your number

I just wanna be with you
I just wanna hold you one more time or maybe two
I just wanna be with you ‘cause I’m a fool

I've never walked away from the things I've wanted
I've never walked away, but I think I'm going to
This time

You are getting heavy to hold…think I’ll be letting you go

You Gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight, cause tears are going nowhere baby.

You’ve got to get yourself together, you’ve got yourself stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it.

Start livin’ your life, on the double,  leave your troubles behind…you and me we’re going to be all right.

He’s everything you want, he’s everything you need, but he means nothing to you and you don’t know why.

Tomorrow’s just an excuse away.

You blame yourself for what you can’t ignore.  You blame yourself for wanting more.

I know I’ll make it, love can last forever…

Keep on dreamin even if it breaks your heart."

This Is The Year!!

So as it turns out, Bob was COMPLETELY correct.  I should have listened.  I didn’t, and I got hurt.  The past 6 weeks or so have been more emotionally hellish that anything I have experienced in a very long time.  On the one hand, it’s good to know I can still feel.  On the other hand, sometimes feeling sucks.  Its random bad luck that the first time I’ve risked opening myself up in such a long time ended up so shitty, but what’s done is done.  My focus the past few weeks has been to make just one good decision at a time.  I can’t worry about 10 years from now, or a year from now, or next month, next week, tomorrow, or even the next hour.  I’m living moment to moment, really listening to my mind, and forcing one good decision at a time to be the result. 

You would think that since I am in my mid-thirties, I would be better equipped to make good decisions, but it is still something I struggle with daily.  I have strong life forces fighting me.  I have an overdeveloped sense of independence.  I have a crazy need for instant gratification.  I’m lazy as fuck.  Trying to convince a person with those characteristics to do things like wait to order that book until you can make it a treat, or waiting patiently and trusting that God will deliver to you what you are impatient for, or even doing the dishes the same night you dirty them can be impossible.  News about a job, a special person in your life, self-esteem…all of those things should be put to God and prayed about.  I am really struggling with that at this juncture though. 

The funny thing is I’ve been doing more things to help myself that I have in YEARS, and I am less confident now than I was two years ago.  Well, that’s not really true, I was probably just as afraid then as I am now, but because I never went out on a limb, no one noticed.  All I know is, I am four days into my 34^th year, and I’m not going to let it pass me by.  I am going to actively participate in this year of my life.  I’ve said on Facebook that THIS IS THE YEAR!!  I’m not sure what that means yet.  I’m looking at it as though something monumental will happen.  But it will only happen if I am present in my life.

One decision at a time, focused on the positive outcome I am waiting for….this will DEFINITELY be the year.

I Call It Bob.

The little voice inside your head.  I call mine Bob.  I don't really know why, especially because it's a girl voice, but whatever, I can call it whatever I want.  You may be surprised to know that Bob is very loud.  When I was younger, Bob had to practically scream to be heard.  I was very willful and stubborn back then.  I made a lot of rash decisions in the heat of the moment and for reasons that had nothing at all to do with what was BEST.  Instead, they most often were based on what I most wanted.  A laptop computer when I was 20, even though I lived at home, and only went to school part time?  Absolutely.  And that bad boy better cost like three grand.  New car?  Yep.  Gotta have it.  No, not that one, I want the purple one with the stick shift and the sunroof.  So what if I don't know how to drive a stick?  Trips, clothes, you name it.  Bob would also try very hard to get my attention when I was about to do something emotionally foolish as well.  And more often than not, I ignored that bastard and did what I wanted to do, with mixed results. 

As I get older, Bob doesn't have to yell quite so loud.  I'm less impulsive.  Don't get me wrong, when I want something, I still can be pretty stubborn.  That said, I'm much more selective about what is worth standing my ground for.  Plus, I listen to Bob now.  When Bob says...you know, you really shouldn't buy those shoes, you don[t have anything to wear them with and you could save that money... listen.  Most of the time.  When I am about to say something to my mom that might be in the heat of an argument, I may not say it.  If I do, I can usually apologize much more quickly.  So...when Bob started screaming at me a bit ago, why didn't I listen?

Say for example, someone places an apple and a piece of cake before you, and you are hungry, Bob will probably tell you to eat the apple.  Either way, you are hungry, and food satisfies you.  But - say you are hungry, and the only thing in front of you is this perfect pastry.  It's perfect.  Your favorite flavor, beautiful to look at, but it's behind a pane of glass, and tied to a brick.  There is no other option.  You can try to get at it.  But there's Bob, telling you that it's more trouble than it's worth, you probably won't be able to get at it anyway.  "Even if you do get at it," says Bob, "it's REALLY bad for you.  You can't see this, but the filling will make you sick.  I'm telling you..STAY AWAY from the pastry."  But you are hungry...you haven't eaten in a while, and you like pastries, and it looks heavenly.  There's Bob.."I'm telling you.  You really do NOT want to eat that.  It's going to go right to your hips, and you will have to work to get rid of it for a long time.  Better to just ignore it, and soon a salad or something will show up".

I'd like to say, that as a mature adult, I ignored the pastry.  But I didn't.  Even though every cell in my body has been telling me for months that I should keep walking, don't even LOOK at the pastry.  Don't pick the pastry up.  Don't try to take the pastry home.  I tried to claw my way through the glass and eat the fucking pastry.  Sure enough...Bob was right.

While this could easily truly be about apples and pastries, it's actually a metaphor for something I am dealing with in my life.  It's only one of the challenges I am juggling right now, but it's the one that is causing the most immediate and pronounced pain.  I let the pretty display distract me from the fact that inside, it's just a fatty, high calorie mess, sure to make me feel worse about eating it than I did when I was just hungry.  And now here I am, knowing that not only was I unable to break through the glass, the pastry still sits there, beckoning, and I have to walk away from it.  I have to force myself to keep thinking how I really don't even want it.  Even though it may go on sale.  The glass my come down.  Hell, someone might buy the thing and put it on my desk.  I can not eat it.  Bob was right.  It is toxic.

I'm still hungry.  It could take a while for something nutritious to come my way.  When it does, it probably won't be as pretty as the pastry.  It might, but either way, it will be all filled with vegetables and vitamins, and that's the important part.  It will feed my hunger AND nourish my body.  I just have to be patient.

Bob, if you know so much...tell me how to get rid of the image of the pastry!!!!

Here's What's Bouncing Around In My Head

I'm sitting here watching a show about Vlad the Impaler, and trying to be interested, but it's pretty dull.  I've had a bunch of random and completely unrelated thoughts today, and I figured, why not put them down here, in case I eventually come up with answers and/or input someday.

1. I hate pine straw.  For you Northerners, pine straw is just dead pine needles.  Up north, when you have flower beds or landscapes areas around trees and signs, etc, we cover that with mulch.  Down here, they rake up all the dead pine needles and pile it on.  It's ugly, a fire hazard, and is perfect nesting ground for spiders.
2. Klean Karz is awesome.  My car is so clean, it feels almost new inside.  Of course, it won't last, but it's nice to pretend for a while.
3. Speaking of cars, I really, really need to have my car serviced.  It needs to have the brakes checked and the a/c looked at, and an oil change.  The problem is that this results in me having to sit at the car repair place all day waiting.  I hate waiting.
4. People continue to surprise me.  Just when I think I have stuff all figured out, a monkey wrench gets thrown in the mix.  I guess that's what keeps life interesting right?  The good thing is that as I get older, I get wiser.  I am much more likely to just flat out ask someone what's up rather than try to guess.  It's a nice change.  Even if you get an answer you don't necessarily want, at least you aren't fussing over the what ifs anymore.
5. I continue to surprise myself.  I really felt this past week and the week before that I was starting to actually feel muscles being used that I normally don't.  I don't know that I've lost any weight and/or inches (I will find out tomorrow) but I feel a little teeny bit healthier.  Now if I could get the diet under control, I'd be golden.  It's not terrible, I've been much worse, but it can always be better, right?

All in all, the last two weeks have been challenging.  I've been emotionally exhausted.  I think going to San Francisco for a few days really helped clear my head.  It was a nice change of scenery, and it was also nice to focus completely on one task, rather than having all this free time for my mind to wander.  I had really wanted to go home for 4th of July week if I wasn't having guests, but the tickets are just too expensive to make it a good decision.  So I have a five day break coming my way...now I just need to find ways to fill the time.  Taking suggestions...