Rashaad and I had a heart to heart this morning….it was
measurement day. This weight
loss/fitness journey has been filled with ups and downs. It’s been one year since I joined the gym,
and signed up for personal training. If
you had asked me then why I did it, and if you asked me now, I would not have
an answer for you. I really don’t know
what propelled me into the gym in the first place. Then, I lost a few pounds and began to think
that maybe I could be successful at this.
A few months went by. At the end
of the summer, I was kicked in the gut by circumstance, and it made me
angry. Not just angry, but
infuriated. And I used the fury as a
motivator. Fury, and revenge. I upped the training session to two times a
week, and since I was emotionally jacked up anyway, I was eating way less. That showed big results. Then come the holidays. I promised myself I wouldn’t slack, but I
did. It’s been really hard getting back
into the swing after the holidays…I’ve gained a few pounds/inches back, and
I’ve lost the edge I got from being completely pissed at circumstance. Rashaad said I need to find the reason why I
want to do this. I have to remind myself
WHY. Then I can set small goals.
The trouble is, I’m a complete mess. Something inside me is broken. Or maybe it just never existed. Discipline.
I does NOT haz it. My house is a
mess. My car is a mess. My emotions are a mess. My finances are a mess. Until very recently, work was a mess. I really don’t know what it feels like to be
driven, even driven to small responsibilities, like running the dishwasher, or
putting away laundry. Do I really not
have these skills, or are the beaten down by depression? Can I learn them? Are they teachable? It’s all very overwhelming. I know I sleep entirely too much. But what’s to stop me? I need to break the cycle, and take control
of my life, one piece at a time.
Rationally, I know this. It’s the
implementation that I can never get to.
“They” say you can’t find happiness until you truly
love/accept yourself. Right now, there
is very little I find likeable about me.
I really believe that this is true, and it makes me even more sad,
because I can’t figure out how to get there.
It’s like I can see the path, right in front of me. I know exactly what steps I need to take to
accomplish an orderly life. Every now
and then I take off down the path, and then I right face first into this
invisible wall that blocks the path, and give up. Over and over and over again.
I need to figure out how to get past the wall. Until then, I don’t know WHY I am going to the
gym. I don’t know WHY I leave trash in
my car. I don’t know WHY there are dirty
dishes in my sink. I don’t know WHY I
live paycheck to paycheck. I want to
stop doing these things…I just don’t know how.
