So as it turns out, Bob was COMPLETELY correct. I should have listened. I didn’t, and I got hurt. The past 6 weeks or so have been more
emotionally hellish that anything I have experienced in a very long time. On the one hand, it’s good to know I can
still feel. On the other hand, sometimes feeling
sucks. Its random bad luck that the
first time I’ve risked opening myself up in such a long time ended up so
shitty, but what’s done is done. My
focus the past few weeks has been to make just one good decision at a
time. I can’t worry about 10 years from
now, or a year from now, or next month, next week, tomorrow, or even the next
hour. I’m living moment to moment,
really listening to my mind, and forcing one good decision at a time to be the
result.
You would think that since I am in my mid-thirties, I would
be better equipped to make good decisions, but it is still something I struggle
with daily. I have strong life forces
fighting me. I have an overdeveloped
sense of independence. I have a crazy
need for instant gratification. I’m lazy
as fuck. Trying to convince a person
with those characteristics to do things like wait to order that book until you
can make it a treat, or waiting patiently and trusting that God will deliver to
you what you are impatient for, or even doing the dishes the same night you
dirty them can be impossible. News about
a job, a special person in your life, self-esteem…all of those things should be
put to God and prayed about. I am really
struggling with that at this juncture though.
The funny thing is I’ve been doing more things to help
myself that I have in YEARS, and I am less confident now than I was two years
ago. Well, that’s not really true, I was
probably just as afraid then as I am now, but because I never went out on a
limb, no one noticed. All I know is, I
am four days into my 34th year, and I’m not going to let it pass me
by. I am going to actively participate
in this year of my life. I’ve said on
Facebook that THIS IS THE YEAR!! I’m not sure what that means yet. I’m looking at it as though something
monumental will happen. But it will only
happen if I am present in my life.
One decision at a time, focused on the positive outcome I am
waiting for….this will DEFINITELY be the year.
